Some of my child, adolescent, and adult clients have their sleep schedules turned upside down. Awake at night, worrying alone or playing video games, then sleeping by day and struggling with fatigue.

For many, the pandemic has disrupted normal routines and structures. Isolating at home, virtual work and school, interrupted social, exercise, and sleep practices, followed by increases in reported symptoms of depression and anxiety. These pandemic related factors have conspired against the maintenance of something we all need to face the day at our best, proper sleep.

Fortunately, there are effective methods to find sleep and treat insomnia to establish healthy sleep hygiene. Cognitive-behavioral therapy for insomnia is one of them. What follows is an outline of how it works.

What is CBTI?

A short, structured, evidence-based approach of 4-8 sessions to find sleep and treat insomnia.

Cognitive restructuring addressing anxiety and worries about sleeping.

Stimulus control to change associations with the bedroom and bed away from ideas of wakefulness and frustration- bed is used only for sleep, and maybe one other thing if you are an adult.

Sleep restriction- a log is created to determine how much time is actually spent sleeping, then that amount plus 30 minutes is maximum allowable time in bed.

Relaxation training- breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, autogenic training to focus on feelings in specific parts of the body such as warm, heavy, relaxed, meditation.

Psychoeducation- CBT process and sleep hygiene.

Techniques for calming an active mind when trying to relax and sleep.

Homework

Does it work?

Studies show up to 70% to 80% of patients with insomnia report improvements.

Recommended as the first-line approach by the American College of Physicians. Has been shown to be effective for children, adolescents, and adults.

Are there risks? Nothing major, but it may be uncomfortable confronting unhelpful thoughts, behaviors, past painful experiences.

Can it work for people with a mental health condition such as anxiety or depression? Experts say yes.

Effects of insomnia

Effects of insomnia include:

Memory issues

Trouble with thinking and concentration

Mood changes

Accidents

Weakened immunity

High blood pressure

Weight gain

Risk for diabetes

Low sex drive

Risk of heart disease

Poor balance

A few more strategies to find sleep and treat insomnia. And don’t forget to exercise!

Relaxation Tips

Get ready to relax

Progressive muscle relaxation

Meditations

https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body

https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/c/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-insomnia.html

https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-for-insomnia-cbti-3015310

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/insomnia/treatment/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-insomnia

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Did you know metacognition instruction has been identified and validated as a key method for improving self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success, and test scores?

I have this little book called Mr. Daydream I sometimes read to children who seem to daydream in school and miss instruction. It’s pretty short and I ask questions to make sure my young listener understands the concept of daydreaming. Often as I’m reading they will look out the window. And keep looking.

I’ll say “Hey, are you with me?”

They say “What? Oh, uh, yeah.”

I say “What were you thinking about just then?”

They say “Nothing,” or “I don’t know.”

Sometimes I wish I could make my mind stop thinking, but so far I have not been successful. What I’m saying is, a person can lack awareness of what they are thinking about.

In this article “Metacognition for self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success” you will find; Signs of underdeveloped metacognition, What is metacognition, Teaching metacognition and self-talk for self-esteem, self-control, and emotional regulation, How to teach metacognition for greater academic success.

Ever had an experience where a kid does something inappropriate right in front of you?

You say, “Why did you do that?” Or maybe you say, “Don’t do that.”

They say “I didn’t do it.”

Or maybe they have done something inappropriate, and afterwards:

You say “What were you thinking?”

They say “I don’t know.”

That’s metacognition, the ability to think about what you are thinking about. While this thinking skill can be taught, and developed, some people don’t have it. Maybe when they get in trouble, they fail to connect an awareness of their behavior with the consequence. They just think you are being mean and unfair.

Signs and consequences of poor metacognitive skill development

Lacking self-talk skills to internally coach oneself to control emotions and reactions.

Poor awareness of context and changing expectations for behavior in different settings with different people. For example, telling a joke that may be appropriate with friends but NOT within earshot of the teacher or parent, and then getting in trouble.

Difficulty with problem solving, may fail to adapt and try a new strategy and continue trying something that is not working.

Trouble with flexible thinking and behavior, such as adapting to unexpected changes in routine and transitions. You tell them it’s time to turn of the video game and go to bed, and they have a defiant tantrum every time. Groundhog day.

Poor empathy and perspective-taking skills. Maybe they think they should go first or be line-leader every single time, neglecting to share the privilege with others.

Trouble with showing their work in complex Math problems as normally required in Algebra.

Trouble with Math word problems- they either see the answer right away or they can’t solve it.

Persisting in making the same error in spite of repeatedly being disciplined for it.

Difficulty with making and keeping friends.

Having a hard time organizing thoughts to write an essay.

May tend to say “I can’t do it,” stay stuck, and repeatedly neglect to ask for help.

Problems coping with and quieting their own negative self-talk.

Knowledge illusions whereby the individual thinks their knowledge is greater than it is or they have learned more than they actually have. May come across as arrogant or insist they don’t need practice to perform in a sport or with a musical instrument.

When you ask them what they were thinking, they say “I don’t know.”

They see you seeing them as they misbehave and yet insist they didn’t do it.

You catch them daydreaming, ask what they were thinking, and they say “Nothing” or “I don’t know.”

Their behavior does not match the rest of the group or is inappropriate for the context/audience.

Failure to notice off-task behaviors and self-correct.

Metacognition is having awareness of one’s own thought processes and an understanding of the patterns behind them.

1. Planning your approach to a learning task.
2. Use of appropriate skills and strategies to solve a problem.
3. Monitoring your own comprehension of text and and task requirements.
4. Self-awareness and self-evaluation resulting in self-correction
5. Evaluation of progress towards task completion.
6. Awareness of distractions.

What is the role of metacognition in regulating emotions, behaviors, and social interactions in successful and expected ways? Metacognition is a key thinking skill for self-esteem, self-regulation, and academic success.

Teaching self-talk

Would it sound strange if I said that some people don’t think in words? Google it up, you will find it’s true. What would be the impact on metacognition if someone were say, a picture thinker? Can they process in multiple windows this way, like a computer? Could they create an image or video in their mind that was an analysis of their primary thought process? Thinking in words makes this much easier. You can have a thought in words, and then a second thought about that thought- is this really true, would this action be a good idea, is what I’m doing to solve this problem working or should I try a different way?

Thinking in words is like a shortcut relative to images. Not only do we need to think this way to develop metacognition, we also need to think this way to inhibit inappropriate impulses and bad ideas before we act on them. Do people with poorly developed metacognition also often tend to be impulsive? You bet. Sometimes we call that ADHD.

So if we are working with someone who is great with legos and engineering problems, but struggles with self-control and expected behaviors in a group or social setting, what can we do to help them learn to have internal dialogue? We can do this by asking questions before a social situation or learning task is presented. What are expected behaviors while waiting in the doctor’s office? When your friend comes over, what will you do if you want to do one thing and they want to do something else? Later in this article questions for learning tasks will be listed.

You can also teach by modeling your internal dialogue, or thought process, speaking your thoughts out loud as you problem-solve or make plans. You can narrate what kids are doing as they play and solve their own problems. Are you getting frustrated? Has your strategy to make this work been working? Could there be other ways you could try?

Cognitve Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Self-talk, Self-esteem, and Self-control

Ahhh! I never win!

I can’t do anything right!

You never let me do anything I want to do!

CBT is one of the most common and research-validated methods of counseling. It involves teaching that our minds are making thoughts all the time. Some of these thoughts are true (rational), and some are not (irrational). Some feel good, some feel bad. Our thoughts create our feelings, our experience of reality. We often can’t control others or what happens around us, but we do have some power over our thoughts about what happens, in turn regulating our feelings about what happens.

There are categories of thinking errors we can teach. For a young child, we might start with boo-boo thoughts and smiling thoughts, then teach how to make bandage thoughts for the boo-boo thoughts. As children become late elementary or middle school aged, we have categories of thinking errors we can teach. They can become more adapt at catching their thinking errors, and talking back to them or replacing them with smarter ways to think that usually also feel better.

Statements like “I never do anything right” can be challenged. “Never” is a keyword indicating the category of thinking error called overgeneralization. When I get started teaching CBT to a youngster, I may play a game where I read a list of thoughts and they tell me if the thought is true, or rational, or not true, irrational. And yes, when I read “I never do anything right” they often say “true.” I say, “Really? Hmmm. Let’s see. Your shoes are on the right feet. Your pants aren’t on backwards. You probably got from your car into my office without falling down. How many times today have you blinked in time so your eyeballs didn’t dry out? How many breaths have you taken so you stay alive? Didn’t you say your grades were all passing, so wouldn’t that mean you got it right most of the time?”

I might also read them my Garden of the Mind metaphor, to illustrate the power of thought, and our tendency to focus on negative and worry thoughts.

Next I may play a kid-friendly game that involves reading thoughts on cards made by a person in situation. We practice identifying the type of thinking error the person had, and a smarter or better way to think. Finally, ideally they take the list of thinking errors home for practice, and use my thought record form to build awareness of self-talk and develop skills in detecting unwanted, untrue thoughts and replacing them with smarter, better-feeling thoughts.

The link below summarizes research about children’s awareness of the link between thoughts and feelings and they types of metacognitive strategies they can understand and utilize for emotional regulation.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2916181/

You can click the terms below if you want to see these forms and templates for yourself. They come from my book Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools.

Self-talk, Self-esteem, Self-control Video Course

Success Stories for teaching Metacognition for self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success

It makes sense that if a person has trouble with metacognition, or thinking about what they are thinking about, they would also have trouble thinking about what others are thinking about. Ergo difficulty recognizing others may have different emotions, thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and predicting others’ plans, feelings, and reactions.

In the literature about Autism this is often called perspective-taking or theory of mind. Sometimes it is called empathy. In the literature and treatment protocols for personality disorders, such as Borderline or Narcissistic, it’s called mentalizing. Mentalizing in this context refers to the ability to form concepts about one’s own emotional state and the emotional states of others.

Another way I use to teach mentalizing, perspective-taking, and CBT, is to use Success Stories. These are like comic strips with boxes showing people in a situation, what they are saying, doing, feeling, and thinking. We may just draw stick figures with thought bubbles and speaking bubbles. I have templates for you below. The templates have descriptions for what goes in each empty box. This is a visual strategy to assist the learner in anticipating and mapping out how they will feel based what kind of thoughts they are making, how to make better thoughts and feel better (CBT template). The perspective-taking template helps them predict how others will have different feelings and reactions to what the learner does; how they will likely respond to the learner, and how the learner ends up feeling about this consequence.

A little background on executive skills, ADHD, and Autism

Metacognition is one category of executive skills, sometimes called executive functions. These are thinking skills that enable us to coordinate the orchestra of our behavior in the pursuit of a goal. Executive skills include:

Metacognition

Inhibition or impulse control

Shift

Emotional control or stress tolerance

Time Management

Self and task monitor

Working (short-term) memory

Planning/prioritization

Goal-directed persistence

Organization

Flexibility

When someone has ADHD or Autism, they have some poorly developed executive skills relative to most age-peers. I think this is also true in reverse. Enough delays in development of executive skills can result in a diagnosis of ADHD or Autism. Can college students and adults still have underdeveloped metacognitve skills and learn to improve? Absolutely.

Learn more about executive skills here.

How to Teach Metacognition for Academic Success

https://lincs.ed.gov/state-resources/federal-initiatives/teal/guide/metacognitive

The information in the above link advises us to “encourage students to engage in “metacognitive conversations with themselves so they can talk with themselves about their learning, their challenges, and ways they can self-correct and continue learning.” People who have a variety of metacognitive skills perform better on exams and complete work more efficiently. Research clearly shows these skills can be taught by asking learners to think about what they are doing and what they should do next. In other words, don’t be the genius and tell them, instead ask. (Don’t tell ask article link) Even college students and adults can lack good development of metacognitive skills, learn to apply them, and improve their performance significantly.

How metacognition can be taught in the learning environment for improved performance:

1. Develop a plan for a learning task.
2. Monitor your approach and create new strategies when progress or meaning falters.
3. Evaluate how they thought about the task after completion.

Questions to ask yourself or be prompted to ask yourself at each of the above three phases:

1. Planning Phase: What am I supposed to learn? What do I already know that will help me? What am I looking for in the text? How much time do I have? What direction should I be thinking in?
2. Monitoring Phase: How am I doing? Am I on the right track? What is important to remember? Am I doing this the best way? Should I change direction/strategies? Should I slow down or speed up? What can I do if I don’t understand?
3. Evaluation Phase: How did I do? What did I learn? Did this come out as expected? Could I have done something differently? Could I use what I learned in different situations? Is there anything I still don’t understand? Do I need to review the task to see what I missed?

Reading: Model thinking out loud and asking questions during reading. Ask them questions as they read to you out loud and teach them to ask themselves often if they are understanding what they are reading. Teach note taking or highlighting while asking themselves “Why am I highlighting this and why am I not highlighting that?

Writing: Model prewriting strategies for organizing thoughts such as brainstorming using a word web or graphic organizer to put main ideas in paragraphs with the main idea at the top and supporting ideas below.

Social Studies and Science: Teach the importance of using organizers such as Venn diagrams, concept maps, anticipation/reaction charts to sort information and understand content and key relationships between concepts. Use organizers to focus attention on what is already known and identify what they want to learn. Venn diagrams can be used to understand similarities and differences between related concepts.

Math: Use mnemonics to memorize lists and steps in a process such as order in Mathematical operations. Model inner dialogue by thinking out loud your thoughts about solving problems as you go. Ask them to paraphrase word problems, restating the text in their own words to help them process the meaning of the question and correct operations to perform.

How to improve metacognition:

https://www.edutopia.org/blog/8-pathways-metacognition-in-classroom-marilyn-price-mitchell

https://www.globalmetacognition.com/post/emotions-metacognition

https://blog.innerdrive.co.uk/eight-ways-to-develop-metacognitive-skills

https://www.learningscientists.org/blog/2017/3/30-1

I hope you enjoyed this article “Metacognition for self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success“

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This article explores social and emotional stressors on teens and young adults followed by ways to support them and resources.

To summarize covid impact on teens and young adults from the CDC’s website:

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/parental-resources/index.html

• Changes in their routines (e.g., having to physically distance from family, friends, worship community)
• Breaks in continuity of learning (e.g., virtual learning environments, technology access and connectivity issues)
• Breaks in continuity of health care (e.g., missed well-child and immunization visits, limited access to mental, speech, and occupational health services)
• Missed significant life events (e.g., grief of missing celebrations, vacation plans, and/or milestone life events)
• Lost security and safety (e.g., housing and food insecurity, increased exposure to violence and online harms, threat of physical illness and uncertainty for the future)

Digital Distractions

Digital distractions can be hard to overcome while at home or during virtual schooling. I saw many high school and college students in my practice who had been in advanced classes and historically kept up with work and made good grades. For many of them academic success was their primary source of self-esteem and identity. Some simply lost their motivation and focus. Failing to maintain attention in virtual formats, with unfinished work piling up, they fell into despair. Aside from losing a loved one this is one of the greatest covid impacts on teens and young adults.

For those students who are twice exceptional, meaning gifted and a condition such as ADHD, high-functioning autism, or dyslexia, meeting the organizational and focus demands of virtual schooling was something they were not ready for. They also may have lost special education supports and services that helped them succeed.

Add to that many of our youth today struggle with digital temptations such as social media, YouTube and video games. Putting them in a room all day where they can at any moment click on a mental side-trip to something much more rewarding than schoolwork creates a pretty unfair battle. It’s like an alcoholic trying to abstain while living in a bar. Their shame can drive them deeper into the hole of avoidance and distraction.

Virtual platforms also lead to increased exposure to online harms- see link here https://www.unicef.org/media/67396/file/COVID-19%20and%20Its%20Implications%20for%20Protecting%20Children%20Online.pdf

The apathy of putting your life on hold

Many of the people in this age group missed important life events such as prom, graduation, sports, study-abroad programs, and other social, work, and educational opportunities. They may have worked hard to secure a plan that was eliminated or put on hold by covid. Suddenly many of them found themselves sitting alone and waiting. They may need help regenerating their enthusiasm for what they thought they had been working for.

Transitioning away from family and friends when leaving home for work or college was difficult enough for many young adults. Increased isolation at transition time and worries about covid related issues can make this transition more difficult to adapt to successfully. In my counseling practice this has been the third greatest covid impacts on teens and young adults.

Some students faced closed college housing, disruptions to work-study and internship opportunities. One great way to help a youth who has lost their rudder for direction in life and wind for their sails is to help them construct goals and dreams they feel passionate and excited about. Short and long term goals. Check out the dream book strategy for details on how to successfully create clear visions and goals that generate new passions and motivation.

Zoom Fatigue

This is a real phenomenon that is gaining attention and documentation.

Some sample questions include:

• How exhausted do you feel after videoconferencing?
• How irritated do your eyes feel after videoconferencing?
• How much do you tend to avoid social situations after videoconferencing?
• How emotionally drained do you feel after videoconferencing?
• How often do you feel too tired to do other things after videoconferencing?

The article below from Stanford cites four factors that contribute and ideas to manage this problem.

1. Prolonged eye contact is intense and taxing. Minimize your screen instead of using full-screen.
2. Seeing yourself in real-time is tiring. Click the hide self button.
3. Reduction in user mobility. Movement helps us think better and provides nonverbal communication cues. Take breaks to move around.
4. Cognitive load is increased during video chat. Switch to audio only for breaks.

Grief

For some teens and young adults who have lost a loved one, this may be the first time they have experienced grief. It is important they be allowed to discuss their feelings with age-peers and other family members as they are ready and willing. Extended time isolated and not talking about it is unlikely to be healthy, even if they are irritable and try to insist on being “left alone.” I think this would be often the number one largest covid impact on teens and young adults.

Teenagers normally prefer to process a crisis with other people their own age, without an adult in the midst of their conversations. A caring adult can help create such opportunities by initiating get-togethers and inviting close friends. Teenagers often want this to happen but lack the planning and organizational skills to execute social plans effectively other than very last minute. Online virtual meets can be created when pandemic risks are unacceptable for some of the families.

While teens usually prefer to process some of their thoughts and feelings with age-peers, it is also a good idea for an adult to monitor what has been said and heard. Sometimes teens and young adults will extend some exaggerated and possibly unhelpful ideas to one another. A caring adult can check in with a teen or young adult after discussions with their friends to see what ideas they got and how they are feeling. Also teens and young adults may make an outcry about desires to harm themselves by cutting, suicide, substance abuse, or other risky ideas. Their friends may not know appropriate ways to respond to such ideas and may keep this information to themselves out of misplaced loyalty. Such thoughts should probably be addressed and monitored by a professional to ensure safety, such as a licensed counselor or psychologist.

https://www.dougy.org/resource-articles/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen

What to do about covid impact on teens and young adults:

Help young adults acknowledge the difficulty and disruption to their social and emotional well-being, work, finances, and educational opportunities.

Assist them in recognizing and addressing any changes to their emotional and behavioral health. Unhealthy changes in sleep habits, exercise, diet, worries, sadness, loss of energy and motivation, increased substance abuse, increased risk-taking behavior, and ability to concentrate and complete school and self-care routines.

Regular and frequent video chats to check in on how they are coping and catch unhealthy patterns early.

Monitor for signs of developing mental health problems. A depressed teen or young adult may be very irritable and resistant to talking about their feelings. Signs of growing distress include:

• Changes in sleep routine
• Changes in diet and frequency of eating
• Social avoidance
• Falling grades
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Difficulty concentrating and remembering
• Risk-taking behavior including substance abuse

Counseling- One thing Covid has brought us is better utilization of virtual healthcare and therapy. If you have internet access you should be able to find counseling help even if you live in a remote area.

Related articles for Covid impact on teens and young adults:

Covid impact on children aged 6-12

Covid impact on young children

I hope you found some useful ideas in this article Covid impact on teens and young adults.

Brad

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The first section of this article explores covid impact on children aged 6-12, while the second part reviews what can be done to manage and mediate these unfortunate factors. Solutions and resources for emotional health and coping skills, managing behaviors, getting through virtual school, and safe technology management.

To summarize from the CDC’s website:

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/parental-resources/index.html

• Changes in their routines (e.g., having to physically distance from family, friends, worship community)
• Breaks in continuity of learning (e.g., virtual learning environments, technology access and connectivity issues)
• Breaks in continuity of health care (e.g., missed well-child and immunization visits, limited access to mental, speech, and occupational health services)
• Missed significant life events (e.g., grief of missing celebrations, vacation plans, and/or milestone life events)
• Lost security and safety (e.g., housing and food insecurity, increased exposure to violence and online harms, threat of physical illness and uncertainty for the future)

Childhood ages 6-12

In addition to the pandemic impacts listed under the previous article for children up to age 5, most kids aged 6-12 have been impacted by virtual schooling formats. Let’s explore what that might mean for them.

Firstly, virtual formats are probably not appropriate for many of these children, especially those aged 6-8, and those with special needs such as speech delays or attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders. These are formative years for how children conceptualize school, their relationship with school, and their self-concept about how successful they can be at school and their ability to participate with adequate comfort. These concepts once formed can follow them through their entire school experience and even into the workplace.

Many of these children did not get a chance to develop skills needed to stay focused, sit still, listen, and process language. Parents needing to work either in or out of the home can be very challenged and frustrated by children who are not staying still and in synch with virtual schooling, distressing attachments and relationships with parents. Such children are vulnerable to learning maladaptive patterns of behavior such as defiance or learned helplessness. Add to that having missed critical instruction that would have made them ready for the next grade level.

Then we have the problem of distractions and content available on internet connected devices. Many kids today are adept at bypassing parental controls to access YouTube videos, video games, and vast amounts of content that is inappropriate for their age. It’s like an alcoholic trying to quit while living in a bar offering free drinks 24/7. This places them at-risk for developing unhealthy addictions and exposure to content that can be disruptive to their social and emotional development. This too, like failing to sit still and attend when they simply have not developed these capacities can lead to a negative feedback loop whereby their lack of skills at avoiding temptation result in messages from the environment and parents that they are bad.

The virtual environment also leaves them at risk for cyber-bullying and various types of predators. Finally also at-risk are the children living in situations where good internet and connecting devices are unavailable. This includes children in rural areas, low-income families, and a disproportionate amount of ethnic minorities. Some of these children are also in situations where a parent can not stay home to supervise or may not have competent English language ability to assist with schooling.

Some of the children in this age-range can also develop anxiety about returning to in-person school. They may have fears about getting ill, dying, infecting a vulnerable family member, or being socially disconnected and not able to rekindle, form, and maintain friendships so they have a sense of belonging.

What you can do about covid impact on children aged 6-12:

You may suspect your child’s self-esteem has suffered under the covid impact on children aged 6-12. If they have had difficulty sitting still and focusing on virtual school, they are at-risk for concluding they are bad, or lacking ability to succeed in school. Here are some tools and strategies for building healthy self-esteem for your child:

ADHD child’s self-esteem This article reviews ways to build self-esteem and is relevant for children not diagnosed with ADHD as well.

The above document explores self-esteem, where it comes from, signs of low self-esteem, strategies for building up.

Self-talk, self-esteem, self-control course In-depth video course indexed and broken into short lessons with supporting documents and templates to use in teaching children and adults skills to succeed.

Empower with measures they can manage and implement to reduce risks such as social distancing, handwashing, and wearing masks.

Spend time with them playing games, exercising, exploring outdoors, creating arts or crafts, and reading.

Talk with them about how they are feeling often, and be frank about your own fears and concerns, and model what you are doing to manage your own stress, such as talking back to your fears with positive thoughts and focusing on what you are grateful for. Have them draw or paint how they are feeling as younger children often lack awareness and skills to verbally express new feelings.

Consult with a knowledgeable counselor.

Closely monitor use of internet connected devices and create a family media agreement.

Family media agreement template.

Create socialization opportunities and help them stay socially connected in whatever ways you think are safe.

Create and follow structured routines for daily activity.

Remember that children aged 6-12 when faced with a crisis are comforted by a nuts and bolts mechanical explanation of how things work and what will happen. At the younger range of 6-8, children’s normally developing primary need is for adult approval. Lots of it! Good job, you figured it out, you can decide, daily gestures of approval and affirmation.

At the higher end of this age range, getting closer to 12, children need to begin processing a crisis with age-peers. Having said that, it is a good idea to monitor these conversations from a distance, as at this age some children may advance exaggerated or misinformed ideas that are better corrected.

Teach emotional coping skills. Learn positive discipline and behavior management techniques.

Anxiety and Children video course complete with forms, templates, and demonstrations of how to use to teach kids how to manage their worries.

There can be signs that a child’s sense of security and safety has been impacted.

Changes in eating or sleeping habits.

Used to sleep alone and now refuses.

Becoming increasingly clingy and fearful of separation from one or both parents.

Bad dreams.

Excessive worry.

Poor school performance or school refusal.

Headaches or stomachaches.

Withdrawal, loss of interest in fun activities.

Increased irritability, aggression, non-compliance, tantrums, or crying.

Regression- starts acting a younger age.

Difficulty concentrating or remembering.

If you see changes in the behavior of your younger child that concern you, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Consider a session or few with a counselor experienced with children of the same age. This can be conducted virtually for advice in how to assist them in processing and recovery. Remember that parents can model good self-care and self-reassurance.

Breaks in continuity of care can result in missed opportunities for well-checks to pick up on delays in developmental milestones and provision of therapy services such as speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. To make up for gaps in childcare due to closures, parents not able to remain engaged with children at home can reach out to others for support. A co-op with neighbor(s), extended family, or small at-home daycare or respite are examples. This can be especially important for parents of children with special needs. To support discontinued therapies when children continue to have needs, consider a phone chat or virtual session with the therapist to get instruction in therapeutic activities implemented at home that foster language, motor, social, and emotional development.

Missed life events– weddings, reunions, births, holiday extended family gatherings impact this age group too. They may be missing group gatherings to celebrate life events such as birthdays or create opportunities to grieve. Remember that for children a few weeks away from someone they saw more regularly can seem like a very long time and be experienced as a loss. Consider implementing regularly scheduled Facetime, Zoom, or Skype meetings with participants in your child’s life who become unavailable for in-person visits.

What about covid impact on children with pre-existing mental health and learning disorders?

Children with pre–existing mental and physical disability are at utmost risk:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7330593/

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/help-children-cope/index.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fcoronavirus%2F2019-ncov%2Fdaily-life-coping%2Ffor-parents.html

School closure impact on children’s’ mental health

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanchi/article/PIIS2352-4642(20)30109-7/fulltext

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2783714

https://www.thelancet.com/pdfs/journals/lanchi/PIIS2352-4642(20)30109-7.pdf

https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2021.02.10.21251526v1

I hope you found helpful ideas in this article about covid impact on children aged 6-12. Please feel free to share.

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This article explores the covid impact on young children, mainly their social and emotional development, aged birth through five. It will be followed by articles exploring the same topic for children in older age groups, with ideas about how to support healthy coping and development. Additional resources and ideas at the end of article.

To summarize from the CDC’s website:

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/parental-resources/index.html

• Changes in their routines (e.g., having to physically distance from family, friends, worship community)
• Breaks in continuity of learning (e.g., virtual learning environments, technology access and connectivity issues)
• Breaks in continuity of health care (e.g., missed well-child and immunization visits, limited access to mental, speech, and occupational health services)
• Missed significant life events (e.g., grief of missing celebrations, vacation plans, and/or milestone life events)
• Lost security and safety (e.g., housing and food insecurity, increased exposure to violence and online harms, threat of physical illness and uncertainty for the future)

Early Childhood (Birth-5)

Disruptions in Routines

Predictable routines, structure, and physical comfort are what provide a sense of security for children in this age range. Parents also need time to cope with their own stress. (Caregiver Stress Inventory Link)

One way to address both issues is to establish routines with trusted caregivers to provide social outlets for young children and a break for parents. Structure refers to both consistent routines and consistent rules and discipline practices that are followed through, even and especially when young children test the boundaries.

It is a good idea to create a visual schedule for children (activity schedule link) that can also represent in advance any changes in routine, and a written and visual list of expected behaviors, rewards, and consequences to keep all caregivers consistent. (The How can a caregiver care for themselves document has some community agency resources listed to help parents link to assistance.) Another great way to build in structure is to create “I love you rituals.” These are daily routines that signal transitions. When Dad goes to work, when Mom is done with work, even if from home, and is now more available to play and interact, before bed, when a child returns from outside of home care. You probably have some already.

Keep them going and regular. These routines build connection and provide warmth and security. They can also offset changes that disrupt the life the children were used to. It might be a tickling game, a verbal back and forth pattern such as “I love you more,” answered by “No I love you more” repeated back and forth. When my kids were toddlers, I noticed when we arrived home from daycare, with no routine in place, they sometimes were excited, disorganized, and might go to a “No” behavior such as dumping the entire container of fish food in the fish tank. Ugh, what a mess. I bought a big package of cheap popsicles, let them pick a color and we sat outside on the front porch to eat them. Then they could use their ride on toys in the driveway, or we’d take turns blowing bubbles for the others to chase and pop. No more cleaning up the fish tank, happy Dad and kids.

I Love You Rituals is also a book written by Becky Bailey, for more ideas. They are connecting routines involving eye-contact, physical touch and pressure, mutual presence and playfulness. They are integral to Conscious Discipline, and can be as simple as something like Paddy Cakes. Anybody remember that? “Paddy cakes, paddy cakes, bakers man…” It involves eye contact, synchronized hand movements and contact, and the use of language to coordinate the interaction. Exactly what young children need to develop motor, emotional, language, and social skills. Especially when they have delays, or something like Autism, or are missing face to face social play interactions.

Missed life events– weddings, reunions, births, holiday extended family gatherings impact this age group too. They may be missing group gatherings to celebrate life events such as birthdays or create opportunities to grieve. Remember that for young children a few weeks away from someone they saw more regularly can seem like a very long time and be experienced as a loss. Consider implementing regularly scheduled Facetime, Zoom, or Skype meetings with participants in your child’s life who become unavailable for in-person visits.

In the event of loss, it can be good to speak about it openly and honestly vs. staying silent to avoid strong feelings. Another strategy to assist a young child who may lack the verbal expression and concepts to understand and communicate about a loss is to read children’s books to them on the topic. You can often find numerous inexpensive mildly used books online for any of these topics, such as death or divorce. These books can be placed in your child’s library if you have a collection of books for reading before bed. This way they can be available to be chosen by you or your children when desired, and repeated later in their development.

Losses like death and divorce take time and maturation to process and understand. As your child develops, the feelings and ability to understand can change as they age. When the book is repeated months or even years later, they may have new questions, feelings, and insights that help them integrate with and adapt to the experience. A few notes of advice here; I suggest ordering multiple books on a topic. Read them in advance to eliminate any books or pages of books that express ideas you consider inappropriate in view of your child’s maturational level and your personal values. I have been surprised and alarmed by what gets printed in books for children’s sometimes. Lastly, if it is a topic your child is resistant, defensive, or rejecting of, seek books that place the issue not only in third person (about somebody else) but also in the context of a family that is not human- Dinosaurs’ Divorce, or a story about a family of bears or monkeys, for example.

Breaks in continuity of care can result in missed opportunities for well-checks to pick up on delays in developmental milestones and provision of therapy services such as speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. To make up for gaps in childcare due to closures, parents not able to remain engaged with children at home can reach out to others for support. A co-op with neighbor(s), extended family, or small at-home daycare or respite are examples. This can be especially important for parents of children with special needs. To support discontinued therapies when children continue to have needs, consider a phone chat or virtual session with the therapist to get instruction in therapeutic activities implemented at home that foster language, motor, social, and emotional development.

Here are some (Games) children love to play. They can be played with another adult or with a sibling or neighbor’s child. Once the children have learned the template for the game, they can learn to play with less coaching so they develop better ability to use leisure time independently so parents can do necessary house and vocational work. Nearly all children enjoy these games, I selected them based on my practice of developing social, play, and communication skills for children with social delays such as with Autism Spectrum Disorders. I’ve found most children, including reluctant or rigid children, will engage with and enjoy these games. I included the vital social play skills each game helps to develop.

Lost Security and Safety

Threats or loss to security and safety covid impact on young children. Children can grieve over the loss of loved ones, either by death, or travel and visitation restrictions due to health concerns. Loss of income or access to food, transportation, and housing can impact children too. Even if they don’t overhear adult conversations, they are in tune with and will mirror parent stress levels. Young children may be prone to worrying that since for example they can no longer visit grandparents that a parent may not come home one day. Because young children are egocentric, they also tend to think that everything is about them. At some level they may conclude such losses even if temporary are because they didn’t behave well enough, that they did something wrong to cause the separation.

Many parents have lost their jobs or had to work from home due to loss of daycare or in-person school. This loss of income and change in routine creates stress for parents. It is hard to imagine their children not being impacted by these changes as well.

Increased parent stress can lead to substance abuse, parent withdrawal, child abuse or neglect, increased conflicts or even family violence which can impact children too. Parents take care of yourselves and don’t put off getting help when you are worried your problems are impacting your parenting and children.

It is important to be open and honest with them about changes. Point out that the change has nothing to do with them or anything they did. Young children who are grieving are assured by hearing they are loved and they will be taken care of on a regular basis. Provide physical comfort. Ask if they have questions, such as if I get sick will I die, if you get sick will you die. Give simple and honest answers. “Most children who get sick get better. Usually covid is like having a cold or flu. You will have to rest and drink plenty of fluids. We will take care of you and you will be okay.” Let them know there are things they can control and do to promote community safety such as masking, handwashing, and social distancing.

Masking, social distancing, avoiding public gatherings, and media about death, illness, and contagion all have the potential to threaten the fragile sense of security many younger children have. Parents again can remind children they are loved and will be cared for and kept safe. Avoid excessive exposure to media about disasters and threats. If they have access to a device such as an ipad or television, make sure they will not be exposed to information without a parent present to supervise, limit, and moderate. Be wary of the programming you as a parent may be consuming while your child is present and overhear. Be mindful of newsbreaks that may pop up and turn it off!

I remember when a shooting occurred in a Sandy Hook Kindergarten class. It was all over the news, sprinkled in newsbreaks between regular network programming. I saw it playing on the television in my children’s daycare. A five or six year old child should not be exposed to the fear that a stranger will burst into their classroom at any moment and start shooting. The same goes for news of death and illness. Parents can explain measures being taken to reduce risks emphasizing safety and security, public and social media will not exercise good judgment in how to present information without creating excessive fears.

There can be signs that covid impact on young children threatens their sense of security and safety.

Changes in eating or sleeping habits.

Used to sleep alone and now refuses.

Becoming increasingly clingy and fearful of separation from one or both parents.

Bad dreams.

Excessive worry.

Poor school performance or school refusal.

Headaches or stomachaches.

Increased irritability, aggression, non-compliance, tantrums, withdrawal, or crying.

Regression- talks like a baby or acts like a familiar animal, becomes unpotty-trained.

Difficulty concentrating or remembering.

If you see changes in the behavior of your younger child that concern you, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Consider a session or few with a counselor experienced with children of the same age. This can be conducted virtually for advice in how to assist them in processing and recovery. Remember that parents can model good self-care and self-reassurance.

Below are related articles and courses to help manage covid impact on younger children:

How to Talk to Kids in Crisis- Developmentally Appropriate Ways of Reassuring Kids by Age Groups

Help Kids in Times of Crisis

Considering Online Therapy

Stay Calm, Yell Less: Increase Compliance

Pandemic Parenting Stress

Behavior Management

Module #4 – Behavior Management

Module #10 – Anxiety and Children strategies to teach coping skills

What about covid impact on children with pre-existing mental health and learning disorders?

Children with pre–existing mental and physical disability are at utmost risk

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7330593/

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/help-children-cope/index.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fcoronavirus%2F2019-ncov%2Fdaily-life-coping%2Ffor-parents.html

I hope you enjoyed this article Covid Impact on Young Children. I hope it will help and feel free to share.

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In this article about Digital Diet for Children and Teens you will find:

-A discussion exploring the impact of common themes in digital media on our social and emotional development.

-Proposed methods for healthy technology management

-A template for a family media agreement establishing safe boundaries and consequences should they not be followed

-Pros and cons of digital media

-Resources for parents to use for managing children’s technology use

-Resources and discussion of video game addiction issues

-A list of non-violent, cooperative, and educational video games and shows/movies

-Tools for keeping kids safe online

Many of us think about how much time we or our children spend consuming digital media, are we as vigilant in considering a balanced diet when it comes to digital content? Maybe we set time limits, like no more than two hours of video games on weekdays, but what sort of ideas are we pumping into our minds?

For example, how much of what we watch and participate in contains acts of violence as a method to resolve conflicts? Consider popular superhero stories. You don’t see Batman saying, “Okay, I’m getting really mad at you villains’ criminal abusive acts. I don’t want to get violent, so I’m going back to my batcave to play with my tech toys until I calm down. Then we can sit down and work this out by talking like civilized people.”

Vengeance. You did that to me, now I will do this to you. Is this justice, or is this idea of justice what wars are based on? A sense of justice that says, it’s not right to hurt people, so since you did this to us, we are going to hurt you back with this… attack?

If the good guy wins, using the same methods against the villain that justified the attack response, does the idea of a good guy and bad guy just depend on which side you are on, while objectively both parties are using the same methods which they would say are wrong?

How many of our popular shows or video games model legal and ethical ways to treat other people and negotiate conflicts? Or do they demonstrate what we say we think is wrong and would land us in jail? Anger, fear, beatings, and murder, these are the same with or without “justification,” would we want to teach to justify these conditions, really?

If we are bothered by anxiety or depression, is watching apocolyptic…world-ending threats, barely-won battles fought at the extreme of endurance and vigilance… what is contained in the digital diet for children and teens that is forming their attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and identity?

What if we continually expose ourselves to human scenarios relying on big conflicts for drama, tension, and interest? Would real life seem boring, could we be training our brains to anticipate tense frightening and even threatening human interaction scenarios? Would we be fostering social anxiety and teaching the world is a scary place, you have to be really careful or you might not be okay, people are not to be trusted and out to get you?

Unless you are trying to program soldiers who will be living in the world we say we want to be peaceful, fair, devoid of abuse and violence.

If we are feeling unimportant, unremarkable, unmotivated, unliked, is exposing ourselves to worlds of magic and super powers and mega-weapons going to help us appreciate our regular mortal selves? Can all children slip easily between a fantasy super-avatar in a fantasy world back to a regular self with normal human powers and limits? Or as the discrepancy between the fantasy self and real self widens, the video game avatar and indulgence supersedes homework and chore routines, grades drop, real social contact formation and maintenance is neglected, parents and teachers beseech and criticize, would some children become disappointed with their real self, avoiding criticism and disappointing reality by further burying themselves in their made-up world facilitated by the virtual reality of video games and virtual friends?

Below are templates I made for you to address and get specific about how technology and media will and will not be used at your house:

The following document summarizes some pros and cons of digital media based on research with a list of resources for further investigation:

If you are interested in exploring more information and studies about how digital media impacts attention, memory, thought, meta-awareness, and attitude, try googling “Six ways digital media impacts the brain.”

Below is a fairly comprehensive guide for caregivers to use with kids, teens, and college students, or for them to use for themselves, to regain engagement and motivation for self-care, academic involvement, and socialization:

Below is a link to an article I wrote for those considering if there may be an issue with video game addiction:

Video Game Addiction

I encounter many youth who are unable to resist the temptation to click into the rabbit hole of YouTube links or video games when they should be doing schoolwork or sleeping. I read a great biography about Steve Jobs, called Steve Jobs. In it he was quote as saying, while developing the ipad, with kids in middle school, that he would never give these devices to his kids to use unsupervised, because there was no way they could resist these temptations. He knew.

Here are a few non-violent, cooperative, and educational video games and shows/movies to help balance a digital diet for children and teens:

• Tools Up video game
• Moving Out video game
• Out of Space video game
• Twin Sprouts video game
• Pode video game
• Space Food Truck video game
• Juggle Panic video game
• Bleep Boop video game
• Shift Happens video game
• Superflight video game
• Cities: Skylines video game
• Abzu video game
• Floating Point video game
• Pix the Cat video game
• Captain Toad, Treasure Tracker video game
• If you google this topic, you can find many more!
• Below are just a few shows and movies with non-violent conflict resolution:
• Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
• Life is Sweet
• All or Nothing
• Secrets and Lies
• The Family Stone
• The Big Chill
• Gilmore Girls
• Aphablocks
• Cochameleon
• Ask the Storybots
• Blues Clues
• Dora
• Arthur
• Danger Mouse
• Again, there ARE many good options out there you can use to try to balance against often more popular programming where even the “good guys” are using violent means to resolve conflicts, and don’t have weapons and death as their schtick to attract and entertain.

Tools for Keeping Kids Safe Online

• Bark- can go on a phone and notifies you if certain risky keywords are detected in searches or texts, etc, such as sex or self-harm references
• Qustodio
• Kaspersky
• Net Nanny
• Ourpact
• Mobicip
• OpenDNS VIP home
• Websafety
• Cleanrouter
• Circle

I know kids are smart and can often circumvent any software you install for safety. In addition some school districts are handing out chromebooks or other devices, they are using YouTube as part of their instruction, and they won’t allow you to install your own filters. You can use a router-level filter at least at home. You can also put a cheap lamp timer on your router and set it to turn off at 10pm or whenever and come back on at a designated time in the morning. This means you can’t stay up and use it either.

Remember, garbage in, garbage out. We’ve all heard “You are what you eat.” To what extent do you imagine “You become what you see and hear.”

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/How-to-Make-a-Family-Media-Use-Plan.aspx

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201804/the-best-technology-screen-time-contract-kids

I hope you enjoyed this article, Digital Diet for Children and Teens, and that you might use the information to improve the welfare of yourself and your family.

Brad Mason

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I’m not sure if lifting masking bans reduces or increases our stress levels as parents. It does add one more level of risk evaluation stress to our plates. In Texas, our masking requirements go away March 10. Will our schools continue requiring masks? Probably. Should you keep masking yourself and your children in public?

Additional pandemic parenting stress factors include:

1. How has social isolation impacted my child’s emotional and social development?
2. What kind of fears about getting ill may my child be left with after all this?
3. What has been the quality of my child’s education, will they be behind?
4. I love my kids but I’ve been stuck at home with them for so long, they are getting on my nerves!
5. My offspring, and maybe myself, have been online and playing video games more than I would like, how will this effect us? Have we encouraged an addiction?
6. Financial stresses due to job loss or reduction in income.
7. Loss or illness of a loved one.
8. Difficulty working and monitoring children in virtual school who have trouble paying attention or resisting the urge to start watching fun Youtube videos or playing video games.
9. Loss of special education supports and services due to virtual or covid restrictions.

Feeling nervous, having the blues, if my cup seems empty, how do I fill it back up? I’d like to feel better, so I can be better, but seem to lack the time and energy to take care of myself?

Here is a checklist for you to evaluate how pandemic parenting stress and burnout may be impacting you.

While some children and college students have struggled with social isolation and staying engaged with virtual school formats, many have done just fine, and some of them enjoy having more time to themselves and escaping busy social environments which can be stressful for them.

How to help kids and young adults stay motivated and focused under Covid restrictions and virtual schooling.

Do you think our kids are more likely to follow our advice and lectures, or to do as we do? Considering yourself as a model, how would you demonstrate valuing yourself enough to take out time for your own repair and maintenance?

If you had a very long trip to make in a car, and you needed your car to last for more trips, would you ignore oil changes because you were stressed about how much time that would take away from driving? How does that work out in the long run?

This is how we get burned out. This pandemic has been a long and difficult trip. If you took better care of yourself, what would be your first step? Would you exercise more often, socialize, share worries with an understanding adult, start a new hobby, take a day off?

I count myself lucky. I’ve gotten to spend more time with my kids. They have taught me how to play chess better and disc golf. They seem to have adapted and are flourishing. I hope you can find some silver linings and turn lemons into lemonade as well.

I sincerely hope you do take care!

Brad

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/COVID-19/Pages/Parenting-in-a-Pandemic.aspx

https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/my-health-story/the-mental-health-toll-of-parenting-during-a-pandemic/

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(Scroll down to see links to supporting research, additional reading, videos demonstrating strategy)

We’ve surely had our share of challenges here in Central Texas. As if the blooming covid numbers and restrictions weren’t enough, now we’ve been frozen in by winter storms the likes of which we have never seen. We have lost power, water, and ability to travel for groceries, school, and work.

Many of our students have struggled with motivation, isolation, and virtual school. Some got anxious, some overwhelmed with school work and perfectionism, some can’t resist the temptation to play video games or watch YouTube during instructional times. Others just got down, lost their motivation. These are some of the ways we have struggled in coping with the added stresses.

What is one simple thing we can all do to help ourselves? We can breathe. But wait. That’s not completely it. We can learn to breathe better. We can engage in mindful breathing practices and learn to breathe properly. Find out the Breathe- Simple Trick Helps Focus, Energy, Depression, Anxiety, Sleep Read on, and be ready to be surprised by how a few simple breathing techniques can restore mental and physical health. Isn’t breathing something we do naturally without thinking? Yes, but modern man has lost their way with one of the simplest, most elemental aspects of our living and, well, breathing.

What if I told you that one simple trick, learning to breathe only through your nose, could help with anxiety, depression, insomnia, sleep apnea, crooked teeth and the need for extractions, athletic performance, acid reflux, fatigue, ADHD, dizziness, allergies, asthma, and more? I know, this sounds like a sales pitch for a “miracle cure.”

Except this is not a sales pitch, because I’m not asking for money, not trying to sell you anything except some ideas you and your kids can try for free with no risks or bad side-effects. You don’t have to leave your house, you don’t even have to work hard. Are these ideas supported by any research? You bet, and I will give you some links at the end so you can see for yourself. I also published a more comprehensive sophisticated guide for student loss of motivation and joy for virtual school, and will place a link to that at the end of this article as well. Don’t worry, that’s free too.

My Dad is 84 and is a health and fitness fanatic. He’s not a doctor, but I learned in the community that in the running world, he is known as “Dr. Keith,” for his eagerness to share his breadth and depth of knowledge about the human body, wellness, athletic performance, and links between physical and mental health. He gave me a book called Breath, by James Nestor. Being shut in for a week with spotty internet by a winter storm in a place that seems to have no snow plows, I picked it up and started reading.

Sure I’ve done breath work, mindfulness, meditation for myself and in my counseling practice to aide in calming anxiety and develop a focused, organized state of mind. I see quite a few children, teens, and adults who are bright, gifted, and also have ADHD, autism, and/or anxiety. Some get so wrapped up in their thinking they overwhelm, disorganize, and wear out one of their greatest assets, their smart brains. Then they have difficulty sleeping, socializing, and working. Finally, they begin to doubt themselves, feel defective, get emotionally dysregulated, have anxious/angry outbursts or withdraw, and may even start thinking they don’t want to go on or be here anymore.

These are the people I’m writing this for, and why I’m excited about what I’m learning from this book Breath, and the research it has inspired me to do. I hope you will be inspired and do some research too. What follows is a synopsis of what I have learned so far, and the applications for the population I serve.

It turns out there are explicit descriptions and references to the importance of proper breathing practices, especially to breathe through the nose, across cultures, geography, religions, ethnic groups, and time. I placed links for you below that show the research findings and technique demonstrations in videos to help create a more organized, coherent state of mind, sense of well-being, and respiratory health.

In addition to nose breathing, we can also learn to breathe less. Less is more, so they say. How can this work? It raises the level of carbon dioxide in your body. This helps you absorb more oxygen with less breathing. It also forces the body to engage in aerobic energy conversion, decreasing painful lactic acid buildup, and the fatigue some overbreathers get along with nausea and dizziness from exercise. This has also be used to successfully treat allergies, snoring, apnea, asthma, emphysema, and other respiratory conditions. It also restores proper ph to the bloodstream, so the kidneys don’t compensate by pulling bicarbonate out of the body into the urine. Over time this also leaches minerals like magnesium from the body creating a need for supplements.

So if this learning to breathe in less and exhale more completely and slowly is so great for performance, why don’t Olympic athletes use it? Well, turns out they do, and they have. Emil Zatopek, called the greatest runner of all time by Runners World magazine, claimed 18 world records and four Olympic gold medals. He was laughed at for using this technique. Coach Counsilman for the US Men’s swimming team used this method and his team in the Montreal Olympics took 13 gold medals, 14 silver, and 7 bronze.

Those guys worked hard at it, but you don’t have to in order to restore your respiratory system and get a variety of health benefits, by practicing a few minutes a day on your couch. You don’t even have to get up! 5.5 breaths per minute. That’s 5.5 seconds inhaling, 5.5 seconds exhaling. Exactly what happens when you say the Rosary. Buddhist monks’ most popular mantra, Om, Mani, Padme, Hum takes six seconds to sing, with a pause of six seconds to inhale. Kundalini yoga; sa ta na ma chant, six seconds to chant, six seconds to inhale. Breathe in through the nose. Slow it down. Breathe less. Increase your health, mental well-being, and longevity. Modern westernized versions of this technique can be found by googling “resonant breathing,” or “Coherent Breathing.”

Want to live longer and slow aging? Increase your lung capacity. Independent researchers have conducted longitudinal studies on thousands of people to determine that it is lung capacity, not genetics, or diet, or exercise, that best predicts lifespan.

Here are some simple exercises to increase lung capacity:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Tibetan_Rites

Some just breathe exercises:

https://www.drweil.com/health-wellness/body-mind-spirit/stress-anxiety/breathing-three-exercises/

What to do with your mind while you breathe- six simple meditation techniques to help you learn this “Breathe- Simple Trick Helps Focus, Energy, Depression, Anxiety, Sleep.”

Mouth breathing and ADHD: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4047298/

https://www.kimriouxdds.com/wp-content/uploads/Does-Childhood-Mouthbreathing-Cause-ADHD.pdf

Trouble sitting still? What you can do with your body while you breathe- a simple follow along video if you don’t have a routine? Try a yoga or stretching routine video from YouTube.

Nose breathing vs mouth breathing and allergies, asthma, sleep problems, mental health:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319487

https://www.healthline.com/health/mouth-breathing

Some quotes from medical and religious texts- sorry for all those I didn’t find and list below, I know there are so many, and don’t intend to endorse any one in particular!:

https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Breathing

https://www.stitcher.com/show/mark-bunn/episode/yogic-nasal-breathing-the-ayurvedic-way-to-supreme-mind-body-health-6-61390305

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qigong

https://www.banyanbotanicals.com/info/blog-the-banyan-insight/details/science-of-pranayama/

Free divers- this is what they do to go 200 feet underwater on a single breath and can hold it 8-12 minutes.

Try this: pant like a dog, breathing fast and shallow, for one minute. Notice how you feel. Next try breathing all the way in, pause, all the way out, pause again until you feel like you need more air, for one minute. How do you feel now? I watch people breathe in my practice. I notice when they stop breathing, hold their breath. Can you stop breathing without feeling anxious?

There may be many things we can’t do right now, but we can all breathe, and we can learn to do it better. That way we can open up, improve our physical and mental health, our quality of life and personal experience, and be ready to go when things open back up. Plus with covid hanging around, we want our lungs and respiratory issues cleared up, right?

I hope you enjoyed this article, Breathe- Simple Trick Helps Focus, Energy, Depression, Anxiety, Sleep.

Here’s the link to my free Guide for Student Loss of Joy and Motivation for School During Covid Restrictions

I’ve been experimenting with some of these strategies myself, and I notice the difference already. I’m planning to continue and do more research, if you would like a follow up article to find out what I’ve learned, shoot me an email at

bradmasonlpc@aol.com

and I will put you on the list.

Stay safe and warm!

Brad Mason

Book Breath

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If it’s not perfect, it’s no good.

Part I of this article covers what perfectionism can look like, signs that perfectionism might be a problem for you, and understanding the cost of your perfectionism.

It also details how perfectionism is experienced from the inside out. Hopefully this helps the person who may have been blind to the problems and costs to themselves. How it is experienced by others so the impact can be more clear to the person with these traits. Finally, a synopsis of factors that may lead to developing perfectionistic traits, studies documenting the increasing rise of perfectionism in modern cultures, and unhealthy consequences linked by research.

Part II will outline strategies for gifted autistic tempering perfectionism, regardless of being gifted, autistic, having something else, or none of these.

Part III contains ideas to try if nothing in Part II seems to work, consideration of variables interfering with problem identification and satisfactory solutions, sources of additional help, and links to articles and research on the topics of gifted, autistic, and tempering perfectionism.

Tempering Perfectionism- How Do I Know When it’s Going Too Far?

How can I tell if my perfectionism is holding me back? Place a check in front of the items below that may apply.

____If I can’t make an A or win, then I won’t try.

____If I did try something once, and it didn’t go well, that’s it, I will never go there again.

____If I had a friend and they betrayed me in any way, if I thought they were wrong or unfair, then that friend is out.

____If I’m unsure if I will be 100% today, then I won’t leave the house.

____Maybe not even my bed.

____The thought of others having critical judgements about me is intolerable, so I will avoid any situation where I imagine that could happen.

____ I get very upset if someone challenges me or says I was wrong.

____I might be depressed.

____I think that others’ love and approval for me is based on my perfect performance.

____I feel ashamed, angry, or guilty if I make mistakes. I may have been caught thinking or saying “I’m no good” after small errors or getting into trouble.

____I don’t know how to laugh at myself when I screw up.

____I have trouble recovering from mistakes, failures, disappointments.

____One small problem can throw off my whole day.

____I hate the thought that things may not turn out as I expected or do not happen on the schedule I anticipated.

____I have difficulty making simple choices.

____I hoard things. What if I need them someday?

____It’s very difficult to organize. Where is the best place to put them? Do I really feel like doing this now?

____I procrastinate.

____It is hard to relax. I hate feeling that I’m not getting something done.

____I drink or use other substances to relax and get my brain to shut up.

____I can’t stand being around people who are messy, silly, or think they are right when I know they are not.

____I don’t like compliments or don’t accept/receive them as expected.

____I’ve never really been good enough.

____My school, sibling, children, boss, job, political system, religion is never good enough. I get frustrated.

____I feel like a failure.

____I struggle to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I feel like I should stay strong and in control of my emotions.

____I either obsess about rules, lists, or work, or I completely ignore them. I may even appear to completely not care about anything.

____It is hard to stop thinking about the mistakes I have made, or feeling the regret.

____I am not satisfied with my life.

____I feel like a failure as a parent every time my kid misbehaves.

____I struggle with getting things done on time. There is always more that could be done or added.

____All-or-nothing thinking.

____I don’t trust others to do things right, so I try to do everything myself.

____I use the word “should” often.

____I avoid starting things until I’m sure I can do really great.

____After conversations are over, I ruminate about what I could or should have said.

____If I don’t do well, or others don’t react to me well, my self-confidence goes in the toilet.

____There is someone or something that is not right with me, I can’t stop thinking about it, and feeling aggravated.

____I can be very critical but can’t stand to be criticized.

____I’m a workaholic. I may feel uncomfortable with free time or down time.

____I take pleasure in other people’s failure.

____If don’t get that kid to start following directions now, then he will never learn and he will end up in jail or worse.

____I get anxious about new things, places, people, or not getting to follow my usual routine.

____My grades are either 100’s or zeros.

____If I could ever learn to do things right, then I would have a better life, but I can’t.

____If my car, project, or other item has a minor flaw or makes any funny noise I don’t like or can’t explain, that’s what I focus on.

____I can’t stand to waste things like time, leftover food, unused paper.

____I won’t perform in front of others. I feel really nervous. Even if I’m told I’m a great speaker, piano player, singer of songs, I prefer to play or perform by myself.

____I don’t like my body.

____I find myself in arguments often.

Okay, that has probably gone on too long already. Got more? Email me.

How many checks do you see? What do you think that means? (This is not a standardized clinical instrument at all, would not warrant any diagnosis, only intended as an exercise for self-reflection or considering a child’s needs.)

What are the costs and risks, to me, of my perfectionism?

Mental health– research has linked traits of perfectionism to higher rates of feeling inadequate, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, chronic stress, suicide, addictions, deliberate self-harm, social anxiety disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, PTSD, agoraphobia, hoarding, vocational burnout, OCPD, and OCD.

Relationships– your traits of perfectionism may be as hard or harder for those around you to deal with than they are for yourself. You may feel socially disconnected, lacking close friends, strained family relationships. like nobody understands you. See below for details of how someone with these traits may be experienced by others.

Lower productivity– procrastination, weak or distorted sense of self, inhibited passion, criticisms, mistakes, poor compassion for self or others, comparing self to others, and overthinking can create a cognitive load and feelings that may wear you out or overwhelm. You also may get less cooperation if others see you as being harshly critical, overly demanding, lacking compassion. If you can’t delegate because you fear others may not do it right, or your version of right, then you place all the work on yourself. Setting clear long-term goals can be difficult or even impossible for the mind on perfection, what if it turns out not to be the best goal, the right goal, or I never get there? Lacking clear reasonable goals can make it hard to organize your behavior and put forth effort. Keeping yourself motivated out of fear to keep bad things from happening can be more taxing than motivation and beliefs about joy and success.

Less creativity– quick rejections of ideas that might not be good enough, frustration or unwillingness at experimenting with wild ideas that may not work, critical judgement of efforts not immediately producing the desired perfect result can really get in your way. Did you know that Monet destroyed many of his works in frustration? Historically it is recorded he even destroyed about 15 elaborate works of his art right before and exhibition.

Poor physical health– The stress of struggling for perfection can lead to headaches, ulcers, fatigue, insomnia, high blood pressure, heart disease, shorter life expectancy.

Addiction– Distracting from or disrupting life events generally considered as normal or healthy such as diet, sleep, exercise, school, work, engaging in relationships, social groups. Can include alcohol, other substances, video games, digital media self-immersion and isolation. A perfectionist could be especially good at feeling bad for doing these things, may feel helpless to stop, and may need some extra help and possible professional guidance and support to make a change in behavior.

How the person with traits of perfectionism sees themselves vs how seen by others

Perfectionism is not a behavior, it is how the person sees themselves. In the context of relationship, the person who has these traits thinks they are just trying to make sure things are done right. They are motivated by fear, and see themselves as protecting by keeping others from ending in some kind of catastrophe or crisis. They think if they can just make sure everything is done right, then everyone will be okay. So they are really just looking out for others, taking care of them. They can become very unsettled or angry if anything isn’t done by their criteria, because flaws and slip-ups equal future disaster and failure.

From the other side, however, consider the potential perspectives of those on the receiving end. They may feel uncomfortable being around someone who seems uptight all the time and has trouble relaxing. Do you think they appreciate being policed and reminded, or do they feel judged and criticized? Do you like being told what to do and how to do it? Someone who always worries what other people will think? Being around someone who seems fragile and has minor meltdowns when things don’t go as scheduled or expected? Quibbled with over the details of right and wrong, and who is right or wrong? Not so much. They may get worn down, burnt out, withdraw, distance themselves. They likely feel unsupported and under-appreciated. Why can’t you just relax, allow, enjoy, have fun without being the boss and controlling everything? Sometimes I like to remind people that in the context of relationship, being right is wrong. Or I may ask, what are you going to get for being right? This question usually gets a puzzled look. So if you prove your point, you somehow get or make the other person agree with you, change their minds, think like you, then what- a prize? The reward is irritation no matter the outcome.

Literature about perfectionism separates three common flavors — “self-oriented,” demands perfection from themselves; “other-oriented,” demands perfection from others, and “socially prescribed” perfectionism, where the person imagines they are being watched closely and judged harshly if they come up less than perfect in any way. The last one, according to the literature, can be the most harmful and tough to beat.

But couldn’t my perfectionism be an advantage? The short answer, according to the research, is no. It can be a useful strength to pursue excellence, or progress, but not perfection. Think of it like this. I was on the swim team when I was in middle school. My Dad often said to me, “Do your best.” Now, what if you say that to someone with a bit of an imagination, and some all-or-nothing tendencies (how do you think I have such intimacy and passion with this topic?). Here is how it went in my mind. “Hmmm, I try really hard, I push, show up for all practices even thought I hate jumping into the cold water in the morning, but how do I know if I tried my best? I mean, if I really gave it EVERYTHING I had, then wouldn’t I be dead at the end? Telling myself I could have done better, every single time, and feeling bad no matter how hard I worked?” For someone who thinks like me, encouraging to make a reasonable effort seems more balanced. You want to save some of yourself for the next go. Celebrate progress, like yourself, try to have a little fun, and be happy with second place. Otherwise, it may be very difficult to ever feel good enough. Sorry Dad. Love you. Nothing personal. You were a good enough parent. I’m okay.

What is the cost of self-blending a less than perfect outcome as a failure with your self; toxic shame, guilt, or maybe projecting blame and anger towards others for “causing” your distress by not behaving according to your code. Projection of blame, a way of defending against awareness of one’s own flaws, can lead to obsession with imperfections and wrongs of a specific other, such as a sibling, or class of people, such as immigrants, or a politician or political platform.

What about people who are dyslexic, gifted, or autistic, and have trouble tempering perfectionism?

How would neurologically based differences, like ADHD, Autism, or the asynchronous development of giftedness interact with perfectionism?

In a word, yikes. Now you have a person who by nature is more prone to errors, especially in a social context. I can tell you from many hours and instances with such children and adults in my practice office, this is a formula for a perfect- no pun intended- storm. This can lead to a person who can’t stand themselves, can’t stand other people, can’t stand school, or can’t stand work. That’s a problem.

How would perfectionism be especially problematic for a gifted child? Here you are, bright and verbal. Your vocabulary and cognition is more developed than the kids around you. You keep trying to talk to them, ask questions, explain things, but they don’t understand or respond in expected ways. You don’t realize they can’t think like you do, or understand your words. Remember your perfectionism requires effective performance and outcomes at all times, and extreme distress when the cookie crumbles. Would you be mad, sad, lonely? Would you feel weird, like a misfit, or lash out and blame others?

The younger gifted child may have motor delays, so while their brain can envision an elaborate tower, their fingers can’t balance the blocks together, or draw the picture to match the gifted vision. Asynchronous development is common in giftedness, this means that some aspects of development have matured beyond age expectations, like vocabulary, academics, or abstract reasoning, while others, like fine motor skills, social skills, or emotional development may fall below age-expectations. But the adults may see the academic brilliance, and assume social, behavioral, and emotional skills have reached the same potential. So when the child does not behave as expected, the assumption may be they are willfully making bad choices, that there is a moral or disciplinary issue, and respond in a harsh, punitive, critical manner. Then they get mad all over when the child responds to them or classmates in a similar manner. Yucky cycle.

The gifted child may also have awareness that some of their school work is pointless for them. They may intellectually be able to grasp how things should be, to develop adult kinds of worries, but lack the emotional maturity to cope and lack the adult voice and authority to do something about imperfection and worry concerns. You might see them getting corrected and disciplined for correcting adults, and argued with for arguing. Some of these kids, like with autism, see themselves on the same level as adults, they do not perceive the hierarchy in adult-child relationships. Some may in instances actually be smarter than their parent or teacher. Imagine their experience. How unfair!

Let’s say you have ADHD, so you find yourself out of synch with others, missing instructions, not doing an assignment right. Your impulsivity leads to blurts that you immediately regret so you walk in shame the rest of the day.

Or you have autism, so you have delays in the development of; social understanding, perspective-taking, language-based communication, flexible thinking patterns, and emotional recognition and management skills. It probably seems like everywhere you go, everyone is telling you what to do, how to do it, correcting you, constant nagging and criticism. Remember children on the spectrum tend to imitate adult social interactions rather than age-peers. Add the perfectionism; perfect formula for failure to a degree that could be traumatic.

Now what if we have two or more of these conditions, say a gifted autistic child with ADHD, dyslexia or dysgraphia, and trouble tempering perfectionism? This could be a person who really deserves special help and consideration, as do we all.

What are the factors researchers are indicating that lead do perfectionism problems?

• Increased social media use and comparing self to others
• Becoming a pleaser and pursuing all A’s in early childhood
• Parent and teacher praise focused on outcome rather than effort- it’s better to praise effort, tenacity, resilience than making an A.
• Increases in number of students going to college
• Social anxiety
• Increasing competition in academics, business, and financial markets
• Painful or traumatic childhood experiences

Is perfectionism increasing, how common is it?

One of the most quoted studies in the literature about perfectionism is a meta analysis by authors Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill looking at about 46,000 college students in the US, Canada, and UK. They found that between 1989 and 2016, self-oriented perfectionism scores increased by 10 percent, other-oriented perfectionism increased by 16 percent, and socially-prescribed perfectionism increased by a whopping 33 percent. Link to the study.

Other studies indicate that about 2 of every five kids or teens in the US currently struggle with perfectionism.

Part 2- Gifted, Autistic, Strategies for Tempering Perfectionism

Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism Strategies

Teach “How to fail successfully”

I like to preface this by explaining that the most successful people are the ones who fail the most often and the fastest. They understand how to “fail up.” Successful people cultivate a special attitude towards failure. They realize that failure is part of the process of success, a stepping stone on the path. Each failure gets them one more step towards success. Each failure informs them about one more way their idea doesn’t work. Success with a new idea usually means a process of trial and error, attempts resulting in strategy eliminations until a successful effort occurs. Think about Edison and the light bulb. Did you know that he engaged in over 10,000 failures before developing a commercially viable light bulb? You know what he said? “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

What is a successful failure?

• you learn something, like what does not work
• you realize you eliminated one way that didn’t work and brought yourself one step closer to finding what will work
• you try harder
• you adapt and try another way, even if you have to resort to googling answers or, god forbid, asking for help
• you decide this path was not for you, say thanks for letting me know, let it go and move on to focus on something else
• you hate yourself forever for the mistake and never try anything again- nah! just kidding of course. If this is really where you go it might be time to tell someone else and consider yourself important enough to warrant some extra help.

When I was training people to do market calls, we looked at the ratio of calls to succeeding in getting an order. It came out to one order for every 30 calls. A perfectionist would dread the no’s, the failures. I encouraged the marketing staff to hurry up and pick up the phone without thinking, hurry up and get those 29 no’s so you can get them out of the way and get to the yes. I’ve even applied this reasoning to teens worrying over finding romance, a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Teach and practice forgiveness. Forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others. Forgive and let go. A local Native American Indian shaman once taught me that the people who inhabited the place I live for around 12,000 years before white people showed up had a word for forgiveness. It meant to untie oneself, and was regarded as a gift you give to yourself.

Mindfulness- a process of learning to step back from yourself and become aware of what is going on with you. “I’m getting upset. My heart is beating faster. I need to do something to calm down.” “I’m being overly critical of myself. I need to encourage me by thinking about my strengths, telling myself it will be okay.” Begin by identifying your signs that a stress or emotional response is starting. Watch for those, and take a pause to reflect on yourself before taking action.

Gratitude- Make a list to keep focused on the good stuff. Make it a habit to review your list once or twice a day at a regular time. At breakfast. Night right before bed. Use a dry erase and write it in the mirror you look in while you brush your teeth. I’m grateful for my family, my friends, a roof over my head that doesn’t leak, food in the pantry, comfortable bed to sleep in every night, water, air, etc.

Self-compassion- learn to be good to you. This means in your self-talk. Be a good friend to yourself. This does not mean self-indulgence.

Teach the power of thought, and where feelings come from. It’s not what happens that makes your feelings, it’s the thoughts you make about what happens. Your thoughts are so powerful, they create your experience of reality. If you think you can’t, you are probably right. If you think you can, you are probably right. If you think it’s horrible, you feel horrible about it. Nobody can make you feel anything. They can’t get inside you, make you think certain thoughts, elevate your blood pressure, make your heart beat faster or your muscles tense. Only you can do that.

Your brain is making thoughts all the time, right? Would you agree that some of them are true, and some are not? So then the smart thing to do, would be to start noticing the thoughts that are not true or wanted, replace with thoughts that are more true or desirable, right? Then you would be using your smart brain in smarter ways, making you smarter, and helping you feel the way you want to more often. Would you be okay with learning to be smarter and feel happy more often? Try this document for teaching and reinforcing this skill?

It is actually a page from my book, Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools. It has thoughts that should really hit the mark with this population, such as “If other people don’t follow the rules, it is my job to correct them.” “Mistakes are horrible.” “Mistakes are normal and help me learn.” “Everyone should like me.” Participants are instructed to state whether each statement is true or false, or indicate by thumbs up or thumbs down, if you have a reluctant participant on your hands.

Also from my book, a metaphor for teaching the power of and over thoughts, Garden of the Mind, and a video/free course, in these two articles about working these issues with children or teens:

Teaching Emotional Control and the Power of Thought

Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying

For Adults, Relationships, Feelings, Learning Your Power

Grant freedom- it is a free country, right? This is a choice I like to point out when someone is stuck on another person’s behavior, repeating the thoughts about that person which maintain an unwanted emotional state, or stuck on trying to make someone act differently, or insistent another change a belief or opinion to align with the person who is stuck. Free yourself by granting others the freedom to think and act as they please, let them be wrong, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. You can maintain a relationship with them, if you choose, and disagree in an appropriate way. You do this through active listening. You simply restate what the other person said, and then if you like, you can state your opinion or belief without trying to make the other agree with you. “Oh, you think Hillary Clinton would be a better president than Trump? Ok. I see it differently, I think Trump would be better.” Sometimes a person with autistic traits might get really stuck, this is called perseveration, which can begin a cycle of repetition that escalates creating increasing anxiety and possibly a meltdown, aggressive, or self-injurious behavior. Here is an article about that, Perseveration Station.

Keep a journal. Now that awareness of how perfectionism impacts you has been created, watch for it. Make notes of what you notice and the successful efforts you make to keep yourself in a good place, like what you say to yourself, how you redirect or distract your thoughts, actions you take, repairs you make in relationships.

More Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism Strategies:

What about the exhausting banter in my head all the time, which way is best, what should I do, how can I figure out what will work before I end up wasting time by trying something that doesn’t work? Try to remind yourself that most errors are not fatal. It’s okay if you don’t pick the very fastest route from point A to point B every time. You can absorb the loss of a few minutes, or the time it takes to try out something that may not work. Nobody is clairvoyant. At least probably not, and you are not required to be. Talk it out with someone you trust. Sometimes just hearing yourself say it out loud gives relief, thinking out loud can help you make decisions, and the other person may have helpful ideas for you. Write it down and read back over it. Stop thinking about it for awhile, and trust your brain to make a good enough decision in time, and know that we sometimes get good ideas even when we were not aware of thinking about a problem at all. Try thinking in terms of plan A and plan B. First I will try… and if that doesn’t work then I will… as a way to get your brain off the idea that you have to make the right choice the first time. Learn to use the Problem Solving Template:

Expand your awareness of irrational beliefs. Make an “I should” list based on this exercise from My Power Book. Write down all of the things you think you should do in the various roles you play. As a student I should…, as a brother I should…, as a parent I should.., and so on. This will help with recognizing when someone has a humanly unreasonable list of “shoulds” they feel they must fulfill, and maybe realize their expectations are unreasonable and need to be adjusted.

Build your confidence by creating and reviewing your list of accomplishments.

Success Story– the problem with the problem, the problem with not generating a clear desired outcome goal.

Escape the trap of thinking you have to do everything yourself and never need help. Do successful people seek help? Do they have advisors, mentors, allies, coaches, counselors, shamans, mystics?

Practice making mistakes on purpose. For a kid who has meltdowns over small errors, get them when they are calm and have them misspell a word over and over with an appropriate response like a wry smile and “whoops.”

Calm yourself using the affirmations for fears, or pick one to memorize as a mantra to drown out unwanted worrisome thoughts.

Consider what can you do unblend, your tendency to equate your performance and how others think of you with who you are and your self-worth.

Working with a teen struggling to choose a career or college degree plan? Remind them there is no way really to know if a job or field of study is right for them until they try it. Call on personal experiences of trial and error with jobs you might have had that you didn’t like as much as you thought you would, and how those led to finding the best place for you. Google stories of famous people detailing the list of failed attempts they endured on the path to success.

For kids from age 4-10 who have rigid thinking patterns, maybe they are gifted and/or autistic, maybe not, check out the Superflex curriculum by Michelle Garcia-Winner at socialthinking.com

Worst case scenario- filled with dread of doom? Evaluate if your degree of concern is warranted by answering what, in the worst case scenario, is the worst thing that could happen?

Use the Dream Book strategy to help make choices of long-term goals and generate some passion, clarity, and motivation.

and if that is still not working…

Consider adding some good helpers to your team. Maybe a counselor, coach, doctor, psychiatrist, or psychologist.

Some of the more clinical categories may also be coming into play, making gifted, autistic, or otherwise tempering perfectionism difficult. Some of the clinical categories may have pre-dated the perfectionism, or, perhaps more likely, perfectionism started first, got worse, unhealthy habits began, which have worn away mental health to the point of meeting criteria for a diagnosis. Some of the categories that may blend or overlap with traits of perfectionism include obsessive-compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder, depression, or personality disorder such as Narcissistic, Borderline, or Obsessive-compulsive Personality Disorder. These can be tough to endure alone, if you think there could be a mental health condition why not go ahead and get an objective professional opinion and help right now.

If I’m talking to a fellow sufferer of perfectionist problems, you might not want to read what comes next. Maybe this hasn’t happened to you yet in which case I bet it will. You start researching a diagnostic category. You have unanswered questions about yourself or someone else. Maybe it’s gifted, but then you read about aspergers, or high-functioning or mild autism, and then you start thinking, wait a minute- which is which? Do I have a sandwhich? Is it someone between or having traits of both? Do they have both? Are both wrong since these categories don’t capture the whole person. Maybe it’s some elaborate conspiracy. Like the Emperor’s Clothes. By some mutual agreement, everybody acts as if there is something there when there isn’t. Invisible clothes. Well, I’ve been down this rabbit hole a few times before.

My message here, especially to you the perfectionist, is don’t expect any perfect answers about human behavior and ways to predict and manage it. Just buckle up and try to anticipate the surprises with awe, surprise, and wonder.

My opinion is you treat categories, labels, and diagnostic categories- wait- I got that backwards. I believe you will do better treating people than treating the categories, labels, and diagnoses. Treat both with temperance, and that latter three, use them as a category to refine a search for good answers you can use to solve real problems or make things better. If a diagnosis or educational classification for special services can help evaluate what is going on and what can be done, as well as create openings that helps access therapeutic interventions. Having said that, people and our systems for categorizing and diagnosing people are imperfect. Take what you hear with a grain of salt, a visit to a healthcare professional can still be helpful even if you disagree with some of what they have to say or diagnose. If you take a complex individual, I think especially a kid, to several healthcare professionals, and I’m counting myself as one, you may get as many different diagnoses. Imperfect systems, categories, evaluation tools, people. That doesn’t dictate a tragedy, it can be part of one, but doesn’t have to. It’s good to get more opinions sometimes if what you have to consider is really important. Then you decide, what is true, or maybe more importantly, what you will do, which you can do, even when you don’t know what is true, except what you have decided to do.

I hope you found this article, Gifted, Autistic, Tempering Perfectionism helpful. If you have more ideas to contribute, feel free to email me at bradmasonlpc@aol.com

More articles on this site you might like:

Archive of the Struggle of the Gifted Child articles, resources by topic

Autism/Aspergers links, course, and resources

Mild Autism What to do

Counseling Techniques for Autism and ADHD

Teletherapy- book an appointment with Brad Mason, LPC, LPA, LSSP in Texas

Links to some of the good articles and research I read to make this post:

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/teen-angst/201807/perfectly-imperfect

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201909/7-signs-you-may-be-oblivious-your-perfectionism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201806/how-overcome-your-perfectionist-tendencies

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201801/is-the-perfectionism-plague-taking-psychological-toll

https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069

https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2017/06/25/9-signs-youre-a-perfectionist-and-thats-not-a-good-thing/#36c9669d5ca3

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-seven-costs-of-perfec_b_462338

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindful-living/2010/07/cutting-the-costs-of-perfectionism/

The post Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

I like to say there are three pillars that support the foundation of your physical and mental health. If you don’t already have these things going, many other interventions are less likely to be as effective.

1. Diet- Regular healthy meals 3 or more times daily. Steer away from processed and sugary foods, especially in the morning. Garbage in, garbage out. If you have ADHD, especially avoid high-sugar, high-carb breakfasts. Stick to protein, it will keep your energy and blood sugar more regulated. Try not to skip meals. If there is a tendency to skip and obesity is not a problem, eat because it’s good for you not because you are hungry or not.
2. Sleep. Create good sleep hygiene habits by going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day. This will get the body programmed to get sleepy at bed time, help eliminate sleeping problems, and make your energy levels and moods more predictable. Try a weighted blanket and white noise generator like a humidifier or a fan if you have a restless sleeper. Chronic sleeping problems? Contact your doctor and seek a resolution. I don’t know how you would act and feel your best if you can’t sleep.
3. Exercise. Regular time at least 3x weekly 25 minutes or more aerobic exercise has been shown to be equally effective as any pill you can take in clinical studies about anxiety and depression. No bad side effects, unless you count more energy, longer life, improved learning, better feelings. It’s okay to start with walking. ADHD? Consider 5-7 days a week for exercise.

Social context: Suffering and tragedy are part of the human condition. I think every person, regardless of their position in life, endures some of this. Having a group, some people you talk to face to face, helps us mediate this problem. We can whine, complain, vent, and finally joke about ourselves and our problems. The humor and camaraderie can a long way towards making life more livable.

Fine-tuning ADHD and mental health lifestyle strategies:

Calming Jar Meditation Tool

Gratitude- make a list of what you are grateful for in yourself and your life. Review it daily at the beginning and the end of the day to keep your focus off of what you may lack and your shortcomings.

• I’m creative
• I have a good sense of humor
• I have a healthy body with senses like vision and hearing that work
• I have a roof over my head that doesn’t leak
• Warm bed to sleep in
• Air conditioning
• Heat
• I’ve made it this far and I’m still okay
• Family who loves me
• What else?

Dream book– use this strategy to get clear on your goals that you have passion for, building motivation and relevance for boring everyday tasks like homework or laundry.

The idea of lifestyle strategies means creating regular, daily routines that put you in a better place to begin with, preventing the problems. Creating this kind of structure helps keep people with ADHD on track. The tough part, with ADHD, is not the creating part, we create all the time. What’s more difficult usually is sticking to the plan and routine, not getting side-tracked. It takes commitment and discipline to stick with a plan.

How can I stick with a plan, or get a kid to stick with a plan of ADHD and mental health strategies?

Set reminders in your phone or computer. Set the repeat for daily.

Get an accountability coach. Identify someone to remind and check in with you about sticking to your plan.

Create rewards. Withhold desired activities or materials until the plan is executed. Schedule fun things to do right after the work is done. First-then.

For younger children, create a visual activity schedule.

Remind yourself that to have a good day, to achieve and maintain mental health, this is required, not optional. Do it anyway even if you don’t feel like it.

Keep your space clean and organized. Practice OHIO. Only Handle It Once. When you get the mail, open it all, throw the ads and promotionals you don’t want into the trash, made a place out of sight for bills and other action items. Set reminders for your intended bill paying schedule. Don’t make piles of stuff to think about later that will clutter your space and end up hiding things from you that you meant to do. Feeling overwhelmed by homework or a pile of laundry to put away? Trick yourself into starting by saying “I’m just going to do the first problem,” or, “I’m only going to put away the socks.” Odds are once you get started you will keep going.

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