Did you know metacognition instruction has been identified and validated as a key method for improving self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success, and test scores?

I have this little book called Mr. Daydream I sometimes read to children who seem to daydream in school and miss instruction. It’s pretty short and I ask questions to make sure my young listener understands the concept of daydreaming. Often as I’m reading they will look out the window. And keep looking.

I’ll say “Hey, are you with me?”

They say “What? Oh, uh, yeah.”

I say “What were you thinking about just then?”

They say “Nothing,” or “I don’t know.”

Sometimes I wish I could make my mind stop thinking, but so far I have not been successful. What I’m saying is, a person can lack awareness of what they are thinking about.

In this article “Metacognition for self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success” you will find; Signs of underdeveloped metacognition, What is metacognition, Teaching metacognition and self-talk for self-esteem, self-control, and emotional regulation, How to teach metacognition for greater academic success.

Ever had an experience where a kid does something inappropriate right in front of you?

You say, “Why did you do that?” Or maybe you say, “Don’t do that.”

They say “I didn’t do it.”

Or maybe they have done something inappropriate, and afterwards:

You say “What were you thinking?”

They say “I don’t know.”

That’s metacognition, the ability to think about what you are thinking about. While this thinking skill can be taught, and developed, some people don’t have it. Maybe when they get in trouble, they fail to connect an awareness of their behavior with the consequence. They just think you are being mean and unfair.

Signs and consequences of poor metacognitive skill development

Lacking self-talk skills to internally coach oneself to control emotions and reactions.

Poor awareness of context and changing expectations for behavior in different settings with different people. For example, telling a joke that may be appropriate with friends but NOT within earshot of the teacher or parent, and then getting in trouble.

Difficulty with problem solving, may fail to adapt and try a new strategy and continue trying something that is not working.

Trouble with flexible thinking and behavior, such as adapting to unexpected changes in routine and transitions. You tell them it’s time to turn of the video game and go to bed, and they have a defiant tantrum every time. Groundhog day.

Poor empathy and perspective-taking skills. Maybe they think they should go first or be line-leader every single time, neglecting to share the privilege with others.

Trouble with showing their work in complex Math problems as normally required in Algebra.

Trouble with Math word problems- they either see the answer right away or they can’t solve it.

Persisting in making the same error in spite of repeatedly being disciplined for it.

Difficulty with making and keeping friends.

Having a hard time organizing thoughts to write an essay.

May tend to say “I can’t do it,” stay stuck, and repeatedly neglect to ask for help.

Problems coping with and quieting their own negative self-talk.

Knowledge illusions whereby the individual thinks their knowledge is greater than it is or they have learned more than they actually have. May come across as arrogant or insist they don’t need practice to perform in a sport or with a musical instrument.

When you ask them what they were thinking, they say “I don’t know.”

They see you seeing them as they misbehave and yet insist they didn’t do it.

You catch them daydreaming, ask what they were thinking, and they say “Nothing” or “I don’t know.”

Their behavior does not match the rest of the group or is inappropriate for the context/audience.

Failure to notice off-task behaviors and self-correct.

Metacognition is having awareness of one’s own thought processes and an understanding of the patterns behind them.

1. Planning your approach to a learning task.
2. Use of appropriate skills and strategies to solve a problem.
3. Monitoring your own comprehension of text and and task requirements.
4. Self-awareness and self-evaluation resulting in self-correction
5. Evaluation of progress towards task completion.
6. Awareness of distractions.

What is the role of metacognition in regulating emotions, behaviors, and social interactions in successful and expected ways? Metacognition is a key thinking skill for self-esteem, self-regulation, and academic success.

Teaching self-talk

Would it sound strange if I said that some people don’t think in words? Google it up, you will find it’s true. What would be the impact on metacognition if someone were say, a picture thinker? Can they process in multiple windows this way, like a computer? Could they create an image or video in their mind that was an analysis of their primary thought process? Thinking in words makes this much easier. You can have a thought in words, and then a second thought about that thought- is this really true, would this action be a good idea, is what I’m doing to solve this problem working or should I try a different way?

Thinking in words is like a shortcut relative to images. Not only do we need to think this way to develop metacognition, we also need to think this way to inhibit inappropriate impulses and bad ideas before we act on them. Do people with poorly developed metacognition also often tend to be impulsive? You bet. Sometimes we call that ADHD.

So if we are working with someone who is great with legos and engineering problems, but struggles with self-control and expected behaviors in a group or social setting, what can we do to help them learn to have internal dialogue? We can do this by asking questions before a social situation or learning task is presented. What are expected behaviors while waiting in the doctor’s office? When your friend comes over, what will you do if you want to do one thing and they want to do something else? Later in this article questions for learning tasks will be listed.

You can also teach by modeling your internal dialogue, or thought process, speaking your thoughts out loud as you problem-solve or make plans. You can narrate what kids are doing as they play and solve their own problems. Are you getting frustrated? Has your strategy to make this work been working? Could there be other ways you could try?

Cognitve Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Self-talk, Self-esteem, and Self-control

Ahhh! I never win!

I can’t do anything right!

You never let me do anything I want to do!

CBT is one of the most common and research-validated methods of counseling. It involves teaching that our minds are making thoughts all the time. Some of these thoughts are true (rational), and some are not (irrational). Some feel good, some feel bad. Our thoughts create our feelings, our experience of reality. We often can’t control others or what happens around us, but we do have some power over our thoughts about what happens, in turn regulating our feelings about what happens.

There are categories of thinking errors we can teach. For a young child, we might start with boo-boo thoughts and smiling thoughts, then teach how to make bandage thoughts for the boo-boo thoughts. As children become late elementary or middle school aged, we have categories of thinking errors we can teach. They can become more adapt at catching their thinking errors, and talking back to them or replacing them with smarter ways to think that usually also feel better.

Statements like “I never do anything right” can be challenged. “Never” is a keyword indicating the category of thinking error called overgeneralization. When I get started teaching CBT to a youngster, I may play a game where I read a list of thoughts and they tell me if the thought is true, or rational, or not true, irrational. And yes, when I read “I never do anything right” they often say “true.” I say, “Really? Hmmm. Let’s see. Your shoes are on the right feet. Your pants aren’t on backwards. You probably got from your car into my office without falling down. How many times today have you blinked in time so your eyeballs didn’t dry out? How many breaths have you taken so you stay alive? Didn’t you say your grades were all passing, so wouldn’t that mean you got it right most of the time?”

I might also read them my Garden of the Mind metaphor, to illustrate the power of thought, and our tendency to focus on negative and worry thoughts.

Next I may play a kid-friendly game that involves reading thoughts on cards made by a person in situation. We practice identifying the type of thinking error the person had, and a smarter or better way to think. Finally, ideally they take the list of thinking errors home for practice, and use my thought record form to build awareness of self-talk and develop skills in detecting unwanted, untrue thoughts and replacing them with smarter, better-feeling thoughts.

The link below summarizes research about children’s awareness of the link between thoughts and feelings and they types of metacognitive strategies they can understand and utilize for emotional regulation.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2916181/

You can click the terms below if you want to see these forms and templates for yourself. They come from my book Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools.

Self-talk, Self-esteem, Self-control Video Course

Success Stories for teaching Metacognition for self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success

It makes sense that if a person has trouble with metacognition, or thinking about what they are thinking about, they would also have trouble thinking about what others are thinking about. Ergo difficulty recognizing others may have different emotions, thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and predicting others’ plans, feelings, and reactions.

In the literature about Autism this is often called perspective-taking or theory of mind. Sometimes it is called empathy. In the literature and treatment protocols for personality disorders, such as Borderline or Narcissistic, it’s called mentalizing. Mentalizing in this context refers to the ability to form concepts about one’s own emotional state and the emotional states of others.

Another way I use to teach mentalizing, perspective-taking, and CBT, is to use Success Stories. These are like comic strips with boxes showing people in a situation, what they are saying, doing, feeling, and thinking. We may just draw stick figures with thought bubbles and speaking bubbles. I have templates for you below. The templates have descriptions for what goes in each empty box. This is a visual strategy to assist the learner in anticipating and mapping out how they will feel based what kind of thoughts they are making, how to make better thoughts and feel better (CBT template). The perspective-taking template helps them predict how others will have different feelings and reactions to what the learner does; how they will likely respond to the learner, and how the learner ends up feeling about this consequence.

A little background on executive skills, ADHD, and Autism

Metacognition is one category of executive skills, sometimes called executive functions. These are thinking skills that enable us to coordinate the orchestra of our behavior in the pursuit of a goal. Executive skills include:

Metacognition

Inhibition or impulse control

Shift

Emotional control or stress tolerance

Time Management

Self and task monitor

Working (short-term) memory

Planning/prioritization

Goal-directed persistence

Organization

Flexibility

When someone has ADHD or Autism, they have some poorly developed executive skills relative to most age-peers. I think this is also true in reverse. Enough delays in development of executive skills can result in a diagnosis of ADHD or Autism. Can college students and adults still have underdeveloped metacognitve skills and learn to improve? Absolutely.

Learn more about executive skills here.

How to Teach Metacognition for Academic Success

https://lincs.ed.gov/state-resources/federal-initiatives/teal/guide/metacognitive

The information in the above link advises us to “encourage students to engage in “metacognitive conversations with themselves so they can talk with themselves about their learning, their challenges, and ways they can self-correct and continue learning.” People who have a variety of metacognitive skills perform better on exams and complete work more efficiently. Research clearly shows these skills can be taught by asking learners to think about what they are doing and what they should do next. In other words, don’t be the genius and tell them, instead ask. (Don’t tell ask article link) Even college students and adults can lack good development of metacognitive skills, learn to apply them, and improve their performance significantly.

How metacognition can be taught in the learning environment for improved performance:

1. Develop a plan for a learning task.
2. Monitor your approach and create new strategies when progress or meaning falters.
3. Evaluate how they thought about the task after completion.

Questions to ask yourself or be prompted to ask yourself at each of the above three phases:

1. Planning Phase: What am I supposed to learn? What do I already know that will help me? What am I looking for in the text? How much time do I have? What direction should I be thinking in?
2. Monitoring Phase: How am I doing? Am I on the right track? What is important to remember? Am I doing this the best way? Should I change direction/strategies? Should I slow down or speed up? What can I do if I don’t understand?
3. Evaluation Phase: How did I do? What did I learn? Did this come out as expected? Could I have done something differently? Could I use what I learned in different situations? Is there anything I still don’t understand? Do I need to review the task to see what I missed?

Reading: Model thinking out loud and asking questions during reading. Ask them questions as they read to you out loud and teach them to ask themselves often if they are understanding what they are reading. Teach note taking or highlighting while asking themselves “Why am I highlighting this and why am I not highlighting that?

Writing: Model prewriting strategies for organizing thoughts such as brainstorming using a word web or graphic organizer to put main ideas in paragraphs with the main idea at the top and supporting ideas below.

Social Studies and Science: Teach the importance of using organizers such as Venn diagrams, concept maps, anticipation/reaction charts to sort information and understand content and key relationships between concepts. Use organizers to focus attention on what is already known and identify what they want to learn. Venn diagrams can be used to understand similarities and differences between related concepts.

Math: Use mnemonics to memorize lists and steps in a process such as order in Mathematical operations. Model inner dialogue by thinking out loud your thoughts about solving problems as you go. Ask them to paraphrase word problems, restating the text in their own words to help them process the meaning of the question and correct operations to perform.

How to improve metacognition:

https://www.edutopia.org/blog/8-pathways-metacognition-in-classroom-marilyn-price-mitchell

https://www.globalmetacognition.com/post/emotions-metacognition

https://blog.innerdrive.co.uk/eight-ways-to-develop-metacognitive-skills

https://www.learningscientists.org/blog/2017/3/30-1

I hope you enjoyed this article “Metacognition for self-esteem, self-regulation, academic success“

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This article explores social and emotional stressors on teens and young adults followed by ways to support them and resources.

To summarize covid impact on teens and young adults from the CDC’s website:

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/parental-resources/index.html

• Changes in their routines (e.g., having to physically distance from family, friends, worship community)
• Breaks in continuity of learning (e.g., virtual learning environments, technology access and connectivity issues)
• Breaks in continuity of health care (e.g., missed well-child and immunization visits, limited access to mental, speech, and occupational health services)
• Missed significant life events (e.g., grief of missing celebrations, vacation plans, and/or milestone life events)
• Lost security and safety (e.g., housing and food insecurity, increased exposure to violence and online harms, threat of physical illness and uncertainty for the future)

Digital Distractions

Digital distractions can be hard to overcome while at home or during virtual schooling. I saw many high school and college students in my practice who had been in advanced classes and historically kept up with work and made good grades. For many of them academic success was their primary source of self-esteem and identity. Some simply lost their motivation and focus. Failing to maintain attention in virtual formats, with unfinished work piling up, they fell into despair. Aside from losing a loved one this is one of the greatest covid impacts on teens and young adults.

For those students who are twice exceptional, meaning gifted and a condition such as ADHD, high-functioning autism, or dyslexia, meeting the organizational and focus demands of virtual schooling was something they were not ready for. They also may have lost special education supports and services that helped them succeed.

Add to that many of our youth today struggle with digital temptations such as social media, YouTube and video games. Putting them in a room all day where they can at any moment click on a mental side-trip to something much more rewarding than schoolwork creates a pretty unfair battle. It’s like an alcoholic trying to abstain while living in a bar. Their shame can drive them deeper into the hole of avoidance and distraction.

Virtual platforms also lead to increased exposure to online harms- see link here https://www.unicef.org/media/67396/file/COVID-19%20and%20Its%20Implications%20for%20Protecting%20Children%20Online.pdf

The apathy of putting your life on hold

Many of the people in this age group missed important life events such as prom, graduation, sports, study-abroad programs, and other social, work, and educational opportunities. They may have worked hard to secure a plan that was eliminated or put on hold by covid. Suddenly many of them found themselves sitting alone and waiting. They may need help regenerating their enthusiasm for what they thought they had been working for.

Transitioning away from family and friends when leaving home for work or college was difficult enough for many young adults. Increased isolation at transition time and worries about covid related issues can make this transition more difficult to adapt to successfully. In my counseling practice this has been the third greatest covid impacts on teens and young adults.

Some students faced closed college housing, disruptions to work-study and internship opportunities. One great way to help a youth who has lost their rudder for direction in life and wind for their sails is to help them construct goals and dreams they feel passionate and excited about. Short and long term goals. Check out the dream book strategy for details on how to successfully create clear visions and goals that generate new passions and motivation.

Zoom Fatigue

This is a real phenomenon that is gaining attention and documentation.

Some sample questions include:

• How exhausted do you feel after videoconferencing?
• How irritated do your eyes feel after videoconferencing?
• How much do you tend to avoid social situations after videoconferencing?
• How emotionally drained do you feel after videoconferencing?
• How often do you feel too tired to do other things after videoconferencing?

The article below from Stanford cites four factors that contribute and ideas to manage this problem.

1. Prolonged eye contact is intense and taxing. Minimize your screen instead of using full-screen.
2. Seeing yourself in real-time is tiring. Click the hide self button.
3. Reduction in user mobility. Movement helps us think better and provides nonverbal communication cues. Take breaks to move around.
4. Cognitive load is increased during video chat. Switch to audio only for breaks.

Grief

For some teens and young adults who have lost a loved one, this may be the first time they have experienced grief. It is important they be allowed to discuss their feelings with age-peers and other family members as they are ready and willing. Extended time isolated and not talking about it is unlikely to be healthy, even if they are irritable and try to insist on being “left alone.” I think this would be often the number one largest covid impact on teens and young adults.

Teenagers normally prefer to process a crisis with other people their own age, without an adult in the midst of their conversations. A caring adult can help create such opportunities by initiating get-togethers and inviting close friends. Teenagers often want this to happen but lack the planning and organizational skills to execute social plans effectively other than very last minute. Online virtual meets can be created when pandemic risks are unacceptable for some of the families.

While teens usually prefer to process some of their thoughts and feelings with age-peers, it is also a good idea for an adult to monitor what has been said and heard. Sometimes teens and young adults will extend some exaggerated and possibly unhelpful ideas to one another. A caring adult can check in with a teen or young adult after discussions with their friends to see what ideas they got and how they are feeling. Also teens and young adults may make an outcry about desires to harm themselves by cutting, suicide, substance abuse, or other risky ideas. Their friends may not know appropriate ways to respond to such ideas and may keep this information to themselves out of misplaced loyalty. Such thoughts should probably be addressed and monitored by a professional to ensure safety, such as a licensed counselor or psychologist.

https://www.dougy.org/resource-articles/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen

What to do about covid impact on teens and young adults:

Help young adults acknowledge the difficulty and disruption to their social and emotional well-being, work, finances, and educational opportunities.

Assist them in recognizing and addressing any changes to their emotional and behavioral health. Unhealthy changes in sleep habits, exercise, diet, worries, sadness, loss of energy and motivation, increased substance abuse, increased risk-taking behavior, and ability to concentrate and complete school and self-care routines.

Regular and frequent video chats to check in on how they are coping and catch unhealthy patterns early.

Monitor for signs of developing mental health problems. A depressed teen or young adult may be very irritable and resistant to talking about their feelings. Signs of growing distress include:

• Changes in sleep routine
• Changes in diet and frequency of eating
• Social avoidance
• Falling grades
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Difficulty concentrating and remembering
• Risk-taking behavior including substance abuse

Counseling- One thing Covid has brought us is better utilization of virtual healthcare and therapy. If you have internet access you should be able to find counseling help even if you live in a remote area.

Related articles for Covid impact on teens and young adults:

Covid impact on children aged 6-12

Covid impact on young children

I hope you found some useful ideas in this article Covid impact on teens and young adults.

Brad

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If it’s not perfect, it’s no good.

Part I of this article covers what perfectionism can look like, signs that perfectionism might be a problem for you, and understanding the cost of your perfectionism.

It also details how perfectionism is experienced from the inside out. Hopefully this helps the person who may have been blind to the problems and costs to themselves. How it is experienced by others so the impact can be more clear to the person with these traits. Finally, a synopsis of factors that may lead to developing perfectionistic traits, studies documenting the increasing rise of perfectionism in modern cultures, and unhealthy consequences linked by research.

Part II will outline strategies for gifted autistic tempering perfectionism, regardless of being gifted, autistic, having something else, or none of these.

Part III contains ideas to try if nothing in Part II seems to work, consideration of variables interfering with problem identification and satisfactory solutions, sources of additional help, and links to articles and research on the topics of gifted, autistic, and tempering perfectionism.

Tempering Perfectionism- How Do I Know When it’s Going Too Far?

How can I tell if my perfectionism is holding me back? Place a check in front of the items below that may apply.

____If I can’t make an A or win, then I won’t try.

____If I did try something once, and it didn’t go well, that’s it, I will never go there again.

____If I had a friend and they betrayed me in any way, if I thought they were wrong or unfair, then that friend is out.

____If I’m unsure if I will be 100% today, then I won’t leave the house.

____Maybe not even my bed.

____The thought of others having critical judgements about me is intolerable, so I will avoid any situation where I imagine that could happen.

____ I get very upset if someone challenges me or says I was wrong.

____I might be depressed.

____I think that others’ love and approval for me is based on my perfect performance.

____I feel ashamed, angry, or guilty if I make mistakes. I may have been caught thinking or saying “I’m no good” after small errors or getting into trouble.

____I don’t know how to laugh at myself when I screw up.

____I have trouble recovering from mistakes, failures, disappointments.

____One small problem can throw off my whole day.

____I hate the thought that things may not turn out as I expected or do not happen on the schedule I anticipated.

____I have difficulty making simple choices.

____I hoard things. What if I need them someday?

____It’s very difficult to organize. Where is the best place to put them? Do I really feel like doing this now?

____I procrastinate.

____It is hard to relax. I hate feeling that I’m not getting something done.

____I drink or use other substances to relax and get my brain to shut up.

____I can’t stand being around people who are messy, silly, or think they are right when I know they are not.

____I don’t like compliments or don’t accept/receive them as expected.

____I’ve never really been good enough.

____My school, sibling, children, boss, job, political system, religion is never good enough. I get frustrated.

____I feel like a failure.

____I struggle to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I feel like I should stay strong and in control of my emotions.

____I either obsess about rules, lists, or work, or I completely ignore them. I may even appear to completely not care about anything.

____It is hard to stop thinking about the mistakes I have made, or feeling the regret.

____I am not satisfied with my life.

____I feel like a failure as a parent every time my kid misbehaves.

____I struggle with getting things done on time. There is always more that could be done or added.

____All-or-nothing thinking.

____I don’t trust others to do things right, so I try to do everything myself.

____I use the word “should” often.

____I avoid starting things until I’m sure I can do really great.

____After conversations are over, I ruminate about what I could or should have said.

____If I don’t do well, or others don’t react to me well, my self-confidence goes in the toilet.

____There is someone or something that is not right with me, I can’t stop thinking about it, and feeling aggravated.

____I can be very critical but can’t stand to be criticized.

____I’m a workaholic. I may feel uncomfortable with free time or down time.

____I take pleasure in other people’s failure.

____If don’t get that kid to start following directions now, then he will never learn and he will end up in jail or worse.

____I get anxious about new things, places, people, or not getting to follow my usual routine.

____My grades are either 100’s or zeros.

____If I could ever learn to do things right, then I would have a better life, but I can’t.

____If my car, project, or other item has a minor flaw or makes any funny noise I don’t like or can’t explain, that’s what I focus on.

____I can’t stand to waste things like time, leftover food, unused paper.

____I won’t perform in front of others. I feel really nervous. Even if I’m told I’m a great speaker, piano player, singer of songs, I prefer to play or perform by myself.

____I don’t like my body.

____I find myself in arguments often.

Okay, that has probably gone on too long already. Got more? Email me.

How many checks do you see? What do you think that means? (This is not a standardized clinical instrument at all, would not warrant any diagnosis, only intended as an exercise for self-reflection or considering a child’s needs.)

What are the costs and risks, to me, of my perfectionism?

Mental health– research has linked traits of perfectionism to higher rates of feeling inadequate, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, chronic stress, suicide, addictions, deliberate self-harm, social anxiety disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, PTSD, agoraphobia, hoarding, vocational burnout, OCPD, and OCD.

Relationships– your traits of perfectionism may be as hard or harder for those around you to deal with than they are for yourself. You may feel socially disconnected, lacking close friends, strained family relationships. like nobody understands you. See below for details of how someone with these traits may be experienced by others.

Lower productivity– procrastination, weak or distorted sense of self, inhibited passion, criticisms, mistakes, poor compassion for self or others, comparing self to others, and overthinking can create a cognitive load and feelings that may wear you out or overwhelm. You also may get less cooperation if others see you as being harshly critical, overly demanding, lacking compassion. If you can’t delegate because you fear others may not do it right, or your version of right, then you place all the work on yourself. Setting clear long-term goals can be difficult or even impossible for the mind on perfection, what if it turns out not to be the best goal, the right goal, or I never get there? Lacking clear reasonable goals can make it hard to organize your behavior and put forth effort. Keeping yourself motivated out of fear to keep bad things from happening can be more taxing than motivation and beliefs about joy and success.

Less creativity– quick rejections of ideas that might not be good enough, frustration or unwillingness at experimenting with wild ideas that may not work, critical judgement of efforts not immediately producing the desired perfect result can really get in your way. Did you know that Monet destroyed many of his works in frustration? Historically it is recorded he even destroyed about 15 elaborate works of his art right before and exhibition.

Poor physical health– The stress of struggling for perfection can lead to headaches, ulcers, fatigue, insomnia, high blood pressure, heart disease, shorter life expectancy.

Addiction– Distracting from or disrupting life events generally considered as normal or healthy such as diet, sleep, exercise, school, work, engaging in relationships, social groups. Can include alcohol, other substances, video games, digital media self-immersion and isolation. A perfectionist could be especially good at feeling bad for doing these things, may feel helpless to stop, and may need some extra help and possible professional guidance and support to make a change in behavior.

How the person with traits of perfectionism sees themselves vs how seen by others

Perfectionism is not a behavior, it is how the person sees themselves. In the context of relationship, the person who has these traits thinks they are just trying to make sure things are done right. They are motivated by fear, and see themselves as protecting by keeping others from ending in some kind of catastrophe or crisis. They think if they can just make sure everything is done right, then everyone will be okay. So they are really just looking out for others, taking care of them. They can become very unsettled or angry if anything isn’t done by their criteria, because flaws and slip-ups equal future disaster and failure.

From the other side, however, consider the potential perspectives of those on the receiving end. They may feel uncomfortable being around someone who seems uptight all the time and has trouble relaxing. Do you think they appreciate being policed and reminded, or do they feel judged and criticized? Do you like being told what to do and how to do it? Someone who always worries what other people will think? Being around someone who seems fragile and has minor meltdowns when things don’t go as scheduled or expected? Quibbled with over the details of right and wrong, and who is right or wrong? Not so much. They may get worn down, burnt out, withdraw, distance themselves. They likely feel unsupported and under-appreciated. Why can’t you just relax, allow, enjoy, have fun without being the boss and controlling everything? Sometimes I like to remind people that in the context of relationship, being right is wrong. Or I may ask, what are you going to get for being right? This question usually gets a puzzled look. So if you prove your point, you somehow get or make the other person agree with you, change their minds, think like you, then what- a prize? The reward is irritation no matter the outcome.

Literature about perfectionism separates three common flavors — “self-oriented,” demands perfection from themselves; “other-oriented,” demands perfection from others, and “socially prescribed” perfectionism, where the person imagines they are being watched closely and judged harshly if they come up less than perfect in any way. The last one, according to the literature, can be the most harmful and tough to beat.

But couldn’t my perfectionism be an advantage? The short answer, according to the research, is no. It can be a useful strength to pursue excellence, or progress, but not perfection. Think of it like this. I was on the swim team when I was in middle school. My Dad often said to me, “Do your best.” Now, what if you say that to someone with a bit of an imagination, and some all-or-nothing tendencies (how do you think I have such intimacy and passion with this topic?). Here is how it went in my mind. “Hmmm, I try really hard, I push, show up for all practices even thought I hate jumping into the cold water in the morning, but how do I know if I tried my best? I mean, if I really gave it EVERYTHING I had, then wouldn’t I be dead at the end? Telling myself I could have done better, every single time, and feeling bad no matter how hard I worked?” For someone who thinks like me, encouraging to make a reasonable effort seems more balanced. You want to save some of yourself for the next go. Celebrate progress, like yourself, try to have a little fun, and be happy with second place. Otherwise, it may be very difficult to ever feel good enough. Sorry Dad. Love you. Nothing personal. You were a good enough parent. I’m okay.

What is the cost of self-blending a less than perfect outcome as a failure with your self; toxic shame, guilt, or maybe projecting blame and anger towards others for “causing” your distress by not behaving according to your code. Projection of blame, a way of defending against awareness of one’s own flaws, can lead to obsession with imperfections and wrongs of a specific other, such as a sibling, or class of people, such as immigrants, or a politician or political platform.

What about people who are dyslexic, gifted, or autistic, and have trouble tempering perfectionism?

How would neurologically based differences, like ADHD, Autism, or the asynchronous development of giftedness interact with perfectionism?

In a word, yikes. Now you have a person who by nature is more prone to errors, especially in a social context. I can tell you from many hours and instances with such children and adults in my practice office, this is a formula for a perfect- no pun intended- storm. This can lead to a person who can’t stand themselves, can’t stand other people, can’t stand school, or can’t stand work. That’s a problem.

How would perfectionism be especially problematic for a gifted child? Here you are, bright and verbal. Your vocabulary and cognition is more developed than the kids around you. You keep trying to talk to them, ask questions, explain things, but they don’t understand or respond in expected ways. You don’t realize they can’t think like you do, or understand your words. Remember your perfectionism requires effective performance and outcomes at all times, and extreme distress when the cookie crumbles. Would you be mad, sad, lonely? Would you feel weird, like a misfit, or lash out and blame others?

The younger gifted child may have motor delays, so while their brain can envision an elaborate tower, their fingers can’t balance the blocks together, or draw the picture to match the gifted vision. Asynchronous development is common in giftedness, this means that some aspects of development have matured beyond age expectations, like vocabulary, academics, or abstract reasoning, while others, like fine motor skills, social skills, or emotional development may fall below age-expectations. But the adults may see the academic brilliance, and assume social, behavioral, and emotional skills have reached the same potential. So when the child does not behave as expected, the assumption may be they are willfully making bad choices, that there is a moral or disciplinary issue, and respond in a harsh, punitive, critical manner. Then they get mad all over when the child responds to them or classmates in a similar manner. Yucky cycle.

The gifted child may also have awareness that some of their school work is pointless for them. They may intellectually be able to grasp how things should be, to develop adult kinds of worries, but lack the emotional maturity to cope and lack the adult voice and authority to do something about imperfection and worry concerns. You might see them getting corrected and disciplined for correcting adults, and argued with for arguing. Some of these kids, like with autism, see themselves on the same level as adults, they do not perceive the hierarchy in adult-child relationships. Some may in instances actually be smarter than their parent or teacher. Imagine their experience. How unfair!

Let’s say you have ADHD, so you find yourself out of synch with others, missing instructions, not doing an assignment right. Your impulsivity leads to blurts that you immediately regret so you walk in shame the rest of the day.

Or you have autism, so you have delays in the development of; social understanding, perspective-taking, language-based communication, flexible thinking patterns, and emotional recognition and management skills. It probably seems like everywhere you go, everyone is telling you what to do, how to do it, correcting you, constant nagging and criticism. Remember children on the spectrum tend to imitate adult social interactions rather than age-peers. Add the perfectionism; perfect formula for failure to a degree that could be traumatic.

Now what if we have two or more of these conditions, say a gifted autistic child with ADHD, dyslexia or dysgraphia, and trouble tempering perfectionism? This could be a person who really deserves special help and consideration, as do we all.

What are the factors researchers are indicating that lead do perfectionism problems?

• Increased social media use and comparing self to others
• Becoming a pleaser and pursuing all A’s in early childhood
• Parent and teacher praise focused on outcome rather than effort- it’s better to praise effort, tenacity, resilience than making an A.
• Increases in number of students going to college
• Social anxiety
• Increasing competition in academics, business, and financial markets
• Painful or traumatic childhood experiences

Is perfectionism increasing, how common is it?

One of the most quoted studies in the literature about perfectionism is a meta analysis by authors Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill looking at about 46,000 college students in the US, Canada, and UK. They found that between 1989 and 2016, self-oriented perfectionism scores increased by 10 percent, other-oriented perfectionism increased by 16 percent, and socially-prescribed perfectionism increased by a whopping 33 percent. Link to the study.

Other studies indicate that about 2 of every five kids or teens in the US currently struggle with perfectionism.

Part 2- Gifted, Autistic, Strategies for Tempering Perfectionism

Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism Strategies

Teach “How to fail successfully”

I like to preface this by explaining that the most successful people are the ones who fail the most often and the fastest. They understand how to “fail up.” Successful people cultivate a special attitude towards failure. They realize that failure is part of the process of success, a stepping stone on the path. Each failure gets them one more step towards success. Each failure informs them about one more way their idea doesn’t work. Success with a new idea usually means a process of trial and error, attempts resulting in strategy eliminations until a successful effort occurs. Think about Edison and the light bulb. Did you know that he engaged in over 10,000 failures before developing a commercially viable light bulb? You know what he said? “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

What is a successful failure?

• you learn something, like what does not work
• you realize you eliminated one way that didn’t work and brought yourself one step closer to finding what will work
• you try harder
• you adapt and try another way, even if you have to resort to googling answers or, god forbid, asking for help
• you decide this path was not for you, say thanks for letting me know, let it go and move on to focus on something else
• you hate yourself forever for the mistake and never try anything again- nah! just kidding of course. If this is really where you go it might be time to tell someone else and consider yourself important enough to warrant some extra help.

When I was training people to do market calls, we looked at the ratio of calls to succeeding in getting an order. It came out to one order for every 30 calls. A perfectionist would dread the no’s, the failures. I encouraged the marketing staff to hurry up and pick up the phone without thinking, hurry up and get those 29 no’s so you can get them out of the way and get to the yes. I’ve even applied this reasoning to teens worrying over finding romance, a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Teach and practice forgiveness. Forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others. Forgive and let go. A local Native American Indian shaman once taught me that the people who inhabited the place I live for around 12,000 years before white people showed up had a word for forgiveness. It meant to untie oneself, and was regarded as a gift you give to yourself.

Mindfulness- a process of learning to step back from yourself and become aware of what is going on with you. “I’m getting upset. My heart is beating faster. I need to do something to calm down.” “I’m being overly critical of myself. I need to encourage me by thinking about my strengths, telling myself it will be okay.” Begin by identifying your signs that a stress or emotional response is starting. Watch for those, and take a pause to reflect on yourself before taking action.

Gratitude- Make a list to keep focused on the good stuff. Make it a habit to review your list once or twice a day at a regular time. At breakfast. Night right before bed. Use a dry erase and write it in the mirror you look in while you brush your teeth. I’m grateful for my family, my friends, a roof over my head that doesn’t leak, food in the pantry, comfortable bed to sleep in every night, water, air, etc.

Self-compassion- learn to be good to you. This means in your self-talk. Be a good friend to yourself. This does not mean self-indulgence.

Teach the power of thought, and where feelings come from. It’s not what happens that makes your feelings, it’s the thoughts you make about what happens. Your thoughts are so powerful, they create your experience of reality. If you think you can’t, you are probably right. If you think you can, you are probably right. If you think it’s horrible, you feel horrible about it. Nobody can make you feel anything. They can’t get inside you, make you think certain thoughts, elevate your blood pressure, make your heart beat faster or your muscles tense. Only you can do that.

Your brain is making thoughts all the time, right? Would you agree that some of them are true, and some are not? So then the smart thing to do, would be to start noticing the thoughts that are not true or wanted, replace with thoughts that are more true or desirable, right? Then you would be using your smart brain in smarter ways, making you smarter, and helping you feel the way you want to more often. Would you be okay with learning to be smarter and feel happy more often? Try this document for teaching and reinforcing this skill?

It is actually a page from my book, Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools. It has thoughts that should really hit the mark with this population, such as “If other people don’t follow the rules, it is my job to correct them.” “Mistakes are horrible.” “Mistakes are normal and help me learn.” “Everyone should like me.” Participants are instructed to state whether each statement is true or false, or indicate by thumbs up or thumbs down, if you have a reluctant participant on your hands.

Also from my book, a metaphor for teaching the power of and over thoughts, Garden of the Mind, and a video/free course, in these two articles about working these issues with children or teens:

Teaching Emotional Control and the Power of Thought

Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying

For Adults, Relationships, Feelings, Learning Your Power

Grant freedom- it is a free country, right? This is a choice I like to point out when someone is stuck on another person’s behavior, repeating the thoughts about that person which maintain an unwanted emotional state, or stuck on trying to make someone act differently, or insistent another change a belief or opinion to align with the person who is stuck. Free yourself by granting others the freedom to think and act as they please, let them be wrong, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. You can maintain a relationship with them, if you choose, and disagree in an appropriate way. You do this through active listening. You simply restate what the other person said, and then if you like, you can state your opinion or belief without trying to make the other agree with you. “Oh, you think Hillary Clinton would be a better president than Trump? Ok. I see it differently, I think Trump would be better.” Sometimes a person with autistic traits might get really stuck, this is called perseveration, which can begin a cycle of repetition that escalates creating increasing anxiety and possibly a meltdown, aggressive, or self-injurious behavior. Here is an article about that, Perseveration Station.

Keep a journal. Now that awareness of how perfectionism impacts you has been created, watch for it. Make notes of what you notice and the successful efforts you make to keep yourself in a good place, like what you say to yourself, how you redirect or distract your thoughts, actions you take, repairs you make in relationships.

More Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism Strategies:

What about the exhausting banter in my head all the time, which way is best, what should I do, how can I figure out what will work before I end up wasting time by trying something that doesn’t work? Try to remind yourself that most errors are not fatal. It’s okay if you don’t pick the very fastest route from point A to point B every time. You can absorb the loss of a few minutes, or the time it takes to try out something that may not work. Nobody is clairvoyant. At least probably not, and you are not required to be. Talk it out with someone you trust. Sometimes just hearing yourself say it out loud gives relief, thinking out loud can help you make decisions, and the other person may have helpful ideas for you. Write it down and read back over it. Stop thinking about it for awhile, and trust your brain to make a good enough decision in time, and know that we sometimes get good ideas even when we were not aware of thinking about a problem at all. Try thinking in terms of plan A and plan B. First I will try… and if that doesn’t work then I will… as a way to get your brain off the idea that you have to make the right choice the first time. Learn to use the Problem Solving Template:

Expand your awareness of irrational beliefs. Make an “I should” list based on this exercise from My Power Book. Write down all of the things you think you should do in the various roles you play. As a student I should…, as a brother I should…, as a parent I should.., and so on. This will help with recognizing when someone has a humanly unreasonable list of “shoulds” they feel they must fulfill, and maybe realize their expectations are unreasonable and need to be adjusted.

Build your confidence by creating and reviewing your list of accomplishments.

Success Story– the problem with the problem, the problem with not generating a clear desired outcome goal.

Escape the trap of thinking you have to do everything yourself and never need help. Do successful people seek help? Do they have advisors, mentors, allies, coaches, counselors, shamans, mystics?

Practice making mistakes on purpose. For a kid who has meltdowns over small errors, get them when they are calm and have them misspell a word over and over with an appropriate response like a wry smile and “whoops.”

Calm yourself using the affirmations for fears, or pick one to memorize as a mantra to drown out unwanted worrisome thoughts.

Consider what can you do unblend, your tendency to equate your performance and how others think of you with who you are and your self-worth.

Working with a teen struggling to choose a career or college degree plan? Remind them there is no way really to know if a job or field of study is right for them until they try it. Call on personal experiences of trial and error with jobs you might have had that you didn’t like as much as you thought you would, and how those led to finding the best place for you. Google stories of famous people detailing the list of failed attempts they endured on the path to success.

For kids from age 4-10 who have rigid thinking patterns, maybe they are gifted and/or autistic, maybe not, check out the Superflex curriculum by Michelle Garcia-Winner at socialthinking.com

Worst case scenario- filled with dread of doom? Evaluate if your degree of concern is warranted by answering what, in the worst case scenario, is the worst thing that could happen?

Use the Dream Book strategy to help make choices of long-term goals and generate some passion, clarity, and motivation.

and if that is still not working…

Consider adding some good helpers to your team. Maybe a counselor, coach, doctor, psychiatrist, or psychologist.

Some of the more clinical categories may also be coming into play, making gifted, autistic, or otherwise tempering perfectionism difficult. Some of the clinical categories may have pre-dated the perfectionism, or, perhaps more likely, perfectionism started first, got worse, unhealthy habits began, which have worn away mental health to the point of meeting criteria for a diagnosis. Some of the categories that may blend or overlap with traits of perfectionism include obsessive-compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder, depression, or personality disorder such as Narcissistic, Borderline, or Obsessive-compulsive Personality Disorder. These can be tough to endure alone, if you think there could be a mental health condition why not go ahead and get an objective professional opinion and help right now.

If I’m talking to a fellow sufferer of perfectionist problems, you might not want to read what comes next. Maybe this hasn’t happened to you yet in which case I bet it will. You start researching a diagnostic category. You have unanswered questions about yourself or someone else. Maybe it’s gifted, but then you read about aspergers, or high-functioning or mild autism, and then you start thinking, wait a minute- which is which? Do I have a sandwhich? Is it someone between or having traits of both? Do they have both? Are both wrong since these categories don’t capture the whole person. Maybe it’s some elaborate conspiracy. Like the Emperor’s Clothes. By some mutual agreement, everybody acts as if there is something there when there isn’t. Invisible clothes. Well, I’ve been down this rabbit hole a few times before.

My message here, especially to you the perfectionist, is don’t expect any perfect answers about human behavior and ways to predict and manage it. Just buckle up and try to anticipate the surprises with awe, surprise, and wonder.

My opinion is you treat categories, labels, and diagnostic categories- wait- I got that backwards. I believe you will do better treating people than treating the categories, labels, and diagnoses. Treat both with temperance, and that latter three, use them as a category to refine a search for good answers you can use to solve real problems or make things better. If a diagnosis or educational classification for special services can help evaluate what is going on and what can be done, as well as create openings that helps access therapeutic interventions. Having said that, people and our systems for categorizing and diagnosing people are imperfect. Take what you hear with a grain of salt, a visit to a healthcare professional can still be helpful even if you disagree with some of what they have to say or diagnose. If you take a complex individual, I think especially a kid, to several healthcare professionals, and I’m counting myself as one, you may get as many different diagnoses. Imperfect systems, categories, evaluation tools, people. That doesn’t dictate a tragedy, it can be part of one, but doesn’t have to. It’s good to get more opinions sometimes if what you have to consider is really important. Then you decide, what is true, or maybe more importantly, what you will do, which you can do, even when you don’t know what is true, except what you have decided to do.

I hope you found this article, Gifted, Autistic, Tempering Perfectionism helpful. If you have more ideas to contribute, feel free to email me at bradmasonlpc@aol.com

More articles on this site you might like:

Archive of the Struggle of the Gifted Child articles, resources by topic

Autism/Aspergers links, course, and resources

Mild Autism What to do

Counseling Techniques for Autism and ADHD

Teletherapy- book an appointment with Brad Mason, LPC, LPA, LSSP in Texas

Links to some of the good articles and research I read to make this post:

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/teen-angst/201807/perfectly-imperfect

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201909/7-signs-you-may-be-oblivious-your-perfectionism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201806/how-overcome-your-perfectionist-tendencies

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201801/is-the-perfectionism-plague-taking-psychological-toll

https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069

https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2017/06/25/9-signs-youre-a-perfectionist-and-thats-not-a-good-thing/#36c9669d5ca3

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-seven-costs-of-perfec_b_462338

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindful-living/2010/07/cutting-the-costs-of-perfectionism/

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Are you interested in helping kids stay busy, feeling safe, and out of trouble? I put together this Coronavirus Kid Care Kit, some articles, links, and youtube videos. Please feel free to share this with anyone you know who wants help for kids in times of crisis.

Children with special needs and behavior problems stuck at home without structure can push their parents to the edge. If you need more help than what is below, get more detailed how-to streamed video course instructions indexed and broken down into small steps with quiz questions and supporting documents and templates. I am offering 50% courses and ebooks bringing the course price down to $13.50. simply type the word covid into the coupon code box in your cart as you are checking out to apply the discount. Courses overview.

Menu of offline at-home activities for kids:
https://intensivecareforyou.com/menu-of-offline-at…

How to talk to kids in crisis- developmentally appropriate ways of reassuring kids by age groups
https://intensivecareforyou.com/how-to-talk-to-kid…

Managing Kids Screen time, Video Games at Home Youtube

Coronavirus Behavior Problems Kids Stuck at Home Youtube

Behavior and Counseling Resources for Free webpage with documents and

mini-courses to help manage behavior and teach emotional control plus

more
https://intensivecareforyou.com/resources-for-free…

caregiver-stress-inventory Sometimes we forget to address the needs of the caregiver. Use this to identify needs.

how-can-a-caregiver-care-for-themselves

List of Affirmations to Calm Fears

• I trust that life supports me. I am safe.
• I am safe. I trust the process of life to bring only good to me.
• I am always safe and protected.
• I trust the universe to provide all that I need.
• I release all fears. I am safe.
• I trust the process of life to take me to my higher good. I am safe. All is well.
• I am ably supported by the universe.
• Life will always provide for me. It is safe here. All is well.
• No person has any power over me. I am free.

List of Affirmations for Anxiety

• All is well in my world.
• I am always safe and guided by my higher self.
• I lovingly allow change into my life and trust in my higher good.
• I am lovingly supported by the power that created me.
• I invite peace and harmony to dwell in me and surround me at all times.
• I trust my inner voice. I am at peace.

List of Affirmations to Promote Peace and Relaxation

• Divine peace and harmony surround me and dwell within me.
• I am relaxed and peaceful because I trust the process of life. All is well in my world.
• I release, I relax and let go. All is well in my world.
• I am becoming calmer with every deep breath that I take.
• I am calm and relaxed.
• I am at peace. I am calm. All is well.
• I relax completely for I now know I am safe. I trust life and I trust myself. I am cool, calm and collected.
• Every breath I inhale calms me and every breath I exhale takes away tension.
• I love myself deeply and unconditionally. Every cell in my body is relaxed and oozes calmness.
• As the wonderful, soothing energy of the Universe enters my body, I accept myself completely and deeply, without any reservations.
• I am confident about solving life’s problems successfully.
• I am social and I like meeting people.
• All is well in my world and I am safe.
• With every breath, I release the anxiety within me and I become more and more calm.
• The future is good. I look towards it with hope and happiness.
• Life is wonderful. I trust in God/Universe to live a well fulfilled life.
• I overcome my fear of anything and everything and live life courageously.
• I acknowledge that the only constant in life is change and am prepared for it.
• I am free of anxiety and continue to do so.
• I am capable of protecting and caring for myself.
• My best dreams are going to come true.

For more help for kids in times of crisis, I also recommend this book, Emotional First Aid for Children:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0976320002/

I hope you stay safe and healthy!

Brad Mason, LPC, LPA, LSSP

PS Yes of course I am offering teletherapy to help kids in times of crisis via my practice site https://www.bradmasoncounselor.com/

Also don’t forget the 50% off coupon code for courses and books on this site is the word covid.

Garden of the Mind
Ten minute secret to eternal success:

Use this analogy to help kids in times of crisis by teaching the concept of how to change your feelings and behavior by changing thoughts, battle depression and anxiety, overcome obstacles, and create mental health.

Have you ever noticed how sometimes a garden has a fence around it? Why does it have a fence? Well, it’s there to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in, right? This is what fences are for. Fences are boundaries, keeping the good in and the bad out. Boundaries are something you create and maintain for protection. Good boundaries are a little flexible or permeable. Your cell walls are flexible boundaries, they let the good stuff in and keep the toxins out. Your skin is a boundary- they keep you inside; not you outside, they keep infectious bacteria out and let food and air in. Same thing with a fence, it still let’s air and water in for the garden to grow, but not deer and rabbits who will damage the garden.

Now, this all makes sense when we talk about a garden. For some reason, human beings tend to get this backwards when it comes to their thoughts. We tend to forget about all the stuff that is good and working right about ourselves and our lives, and focus, repeating over and over, negative thoughts, things we don’t like, what didn’t go well, what might go wrong, thoughts that cause us distress. Who is making those thoughts? Would it be helpful to have a conversation with the maker of our thoughts? Ask them to make thoughts of gratitude, review what feels good to think about, what is right about us, reassurance that we will be okay in the future, let go regrets of the past?

If we are to care for our mind, care for ourselves, like a good gardener would lovingly tend their garden, we would cast out the negative thoughts, the unwanted thoughts, the bugs and parasites, like weeds being thrown outside the fence of a garden.

Continuing to repeat and believe your negative thoughts is like watering the weeds in your garden instead of pulling them out. They grow fast and pretty soon, they crowd out all the good stuff and you will notice how prickly and uncomfortable they are. They will crowd out all the fruits and vegetables you truly desire.

If you like watermelon, and you would like watermelon to grow in your garden so you can enjoy it, what would you need to first do? Plant watermelon seeds, right? Okay, so that’s easy in a garden, just stick the seeds in the ground, pay attention to them by watering them and pulling the weeds, and watch what happens. Watermelons appear like magic for you to harvest, and oh, how sweet!

The process of making what you want to be true in your experience of reality is much the same. How do you plant the seeds of what you want to grow in the garden of your mind and your life? You begin by deciding what you want. You get as clear as you can about what you want, and you create a clear vision of what it looks like, feels like, how will your experience be different when your dreams come true?

I suggest creating a dream book. See the document I created for you called “Dream Book.” It’s in the free resources page on this site, or you can get the ebook with inspiring images and instructions. Get a nice book, preferably leather bound so it’s durable and can last, and write a dream you have on each page. Not a dream from when you are sleeping, but a dream that is a waking wish you have for yourself and your world. Then get images from magazines, photographs, or google images that best matches how your dream looks to you. Print it and paste it or tape it below the text you wrote about your dream. It’s okay if you pick two or three images. Every night before you go to sleep, and in the morning when you wake up, take a few minutes to look at the images and read through your dreams. Practice feeling how it would feel, as if the dream were already true. Know that these things will happen, that they are already happening. This is how you plant the seeds of what you want to grow in the garden of your mind, and this will help you make your dreams come true. Not sure if you believe me? Try it for two weeks and see what happens. What do you have to lose? Your fears and unwanted thoughts?

I also suggest after a week or two that you go back and rewrite dreams in the present tense. Rather than “I want to feel secure most of the time,” “I am feeling secure most of the time,” instead of “I want to make a million dollars,” “I am making a million dollars.”

Sometimes I ask people if they have heard the phrase “train of thought.” If they are kids they may have seen the movie “Shark Boy and Lava Girl.” which has a train of thought, literally, in it. Once they understand what train of thought means, I ask them where they are on their thought train. Are they in the caboose, just along for the ride, a victim of whatever thought their brain comes up with? Or are they the conductor or engineer, up in the engine of the train, able to slow down, stop, speed up, or change tracks if they don’t like where they are going? Where would they like to be?

When we want abundant produce we prepare the soil, pull the weeds and throw them out, and plant the seeds of the good things we want to see, feel, smell, and taste.

Your mind is like this garden, too. Except sometimes we get confused and keep the good thoughts out and the bad in. Tend the garden of your mind carefully, pull the weeds of negative, fearful, and unhelpful thoughts, and throw them outside the fence. Plant the seeds of your dreams and hopes, thoughts that feel good, by taking a few moments daily to reflect on your dreams and imagine them coming true in as much detail as you can. If a drought comes give them more water. If a freeze comes don’t lie in a bed of weeds and despair, pull out those weeds and plant some new seeds. Keep it up and you can’t help but be successful living in the garden of your dreams.

A few more links to help kids in times of crisis:

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Responding-to-Childrens-Emotional-Needs-During-Times-of-Crisis.aspx

If you have more good ideas or resources about how to help kids in times of crisis please feel free to share and I may add them here. bradmasonlpc@aol.com

The post Help Kids in Times of Crisis appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

Let’s explore what CBT is and how to present CBT strategies for Autism so they are understood and utilized to create a better quality of life, more flexible problem-solving, and better emotional control.

It’s true that some people on the autism spectrum tend to be so concrete and literal that conveying the abstract concept about the power of thoughts to create and shape your experience of reality provides the key to a tool that can put you in charge of your feelings and environment, rather than the other way around.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Counseling Explained

Cognitive-behavioral Therapy, or CBT, involves teaching the idea that our thoughts are so powerful, they create our experience of reality. It’s not what happens that makes you feel the way you do, it’s how you think about it and you that makes you feel the way you do. A somewhat slippery but very powerful concept. More on ways to teach this to someone on the spectrum later in this article.

Your brain is making thoughts all the time. Some of them are true, some thoughts are helpful or reassuring, some thoughts are not true, and may generate anger, sadness, or fear. You are not your thoughts, you are the observer of your thoughts, yes, because you can watch your thoughts and decide which ones to believe, which thoughts to act upon, and which ones to reject and replace. There are categories of thinking errors which can be taught and learned. These categories enable the user to more quickly and often identify patterns of thought which are faulty and cause distress. The user, or counselee, can learn to step outside of themselves, to think about what they are thinking about, and use self-talk or inner language, providing a tool to mediate emotional and behavioral thoughts. This creates an ability to problem-solve more flexibly, and inhibit unwanted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We are talking about metacognition and inhibition here, for those of you who are executive skills fans.

How to Explain and Teach CBT to someone on the Autism Spectrum

Obviously, this is only going to work with someone who is verbal, and best suited for Mild Autism, HFA, Aspergers, or PDD-NOS, and let’s not leave out the newer Social Communication Disorder category. I work mostly with kids and some with adults, and here is how I sell the idea of trying this out. I ask if they agree that their brain is making thoughts all the time. I did once have someone say No, mostly I don’t think at all. Wow. I said that’s terrific, there are lots of people out there working really hard to not think. Anyway, so some of the thoughts are true, and some are not, right? There are categories of thinking errors, thoughts that are not true, or make you feel bad unnecessarily. If you could learn these categories, then you could get better at detecting thoughts that are not true, and replacing them with thoughts that are true or feel better. Then you would be using your smart brain in even smarter ways, so you could be smarter, and get to feel the way you want more often. Would you be okay with being smarter and feeling better?

So far in 30 years nobody has said No, I don’t want to be smarter or feel better. I also like to ask where do their feelings come from. This usually results in some pretty restless pauses. Sometimes they point to their heart, I explain most of the time people think that it’s what happens and what other people do that make you feel the way you do. This means they are giving away their power. They are giving the power away to other people or the environment to decide if they feel okay or not. Do they like the idea of letting their big brother, the teacher they don’t like, or the kids who tease and bully decide how they feel? Do they like being a puppet on someone else’s strings?

So here’s the thing. It’s not what happens that makes you feel the way you do. It’s how you think about it. It could start raining right now, right? I could get really mad about the rain, thinking, this sucks, I’m supposed to go fishing tonight, and this is going to ruin everything. I could be mad for the rest of the day, right? Or, it could start raining, and I could think, oh boy, this is great for my garden, and maybe it will rain enough that the river will flood, so I can go whitewater kayaking, which I love. This is awesome that it’s raining. I hope it keeps raining. I could be really glad about the rain, right?

It’s the same thing happening in either case, the rain. I can be either happy or mad about the rain. So it’s not the rain that makes me feel the way I do, it’s how I think about the rain. How much power do we have over the weather? What other people do? You would like to control them, but you can’t. You do have at least some power and control over your thoughts. You can notice a thought that is untrue or unwanted, and replace it with a thought that is more true or desired. This gives you power over yourself and your feelings. Make sense?

Sometimes I use Superflex to work with kids 6-9 or 10, or Psymon with older kids and adults. Both teach the skill of using inner language to create self-awareness and moderate emotional responses. I also have created my own list of thinking errors, thinking error practice, and a thought record to put the rubber to the road and start applying these skills. You can find them on my resources for free page and in my video courses. You can find a lot more on this site about CBT counseling strategies for autism. And guess what, if it works for someone on the spectrum-ish, it can work for anyone!

Learn more

Metaphors for teaching children about power in feelings, relationships, teasing, and bullying

Teach Emotional Control and the Power of Thought

Free Mindgarden mini-course with video and explanation of using CBT strategies to empower kids who struggle

Find a therapist who can help deliver CBT counseling strategies for autism.

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Mass Shootings: Ten tips to console your child or teen through times of terror

The mass shooting in Las Vegas on October 1, 2017 is unbelievable. In today’s world it is nearly impossible to shut off a child’s fear-engendering exposure to media coverage of such tragic events. Especially if your child has trouble with fears or has Autism/Aspergers. Because a person on the Autism spectrum is prone to perseveration, or getting stuck on something bothering them; excessive fears, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and difficulty regulating emotions, news of such events can be traumatizing.

I met with someone recently who confided that they were now afraid to go to movie theaters, concerts, or really any public gatherings for fear that someone might open fire on them. How do you help someone overcome such a fear?

• You can help them choose a mantra or affirmation for fear as a way to counter thoughts and feelings of terror. My free resources page has a list of “Affirmations to Calm Fears” to give some examples and ideas.
• Encourage self-care through the adoption of healthy habits, such as exercising in the morning, which restores and maintains feelings of well-being and the brain chemistry that promotes happiness.
• Be open to discussing the problem with them and allowing them to feel and think the way they do. Don’t just tell them they shouldn’t feel that way.
• Let them know that you are taking care of them, and the chances of them becoming a target in a public place is very, very low.
• Limit media exposure.
• Review how our elected officials, the CIA, FBI, the military, the police and their helpers are working together to make our world safer and prevent these things from happening again.
• Maintain normal routines.
• Review safety procedures at home and school, such as helping them identify at least one person in each setting that they trust and can go to for support.
• Keep an eye on their emotional state and take them for professional counseling if their normal life continues to be disrupted by their fears.
• Take care of yourself and model bravery by not giving in to fears yourself.

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Power in Adult-child Relationships

To sign up for the free course: click here.

Everybody wants to know what is going on with kids these days. Why are so many becoming oppositional and disrespectful to parents and teachers? Do kids have the right to say NO? What rights do they have? What power do they have other than to say NO? Has something changed that makes them feel as if they have no power, or all the power now? What about the impact of technology and the spread of ideas about human rights and abuse of those rights, the way governments and dictators can systematically abuse a population of people?

Children used to perform more valuable and meaningful duties around the house and farm, how does their activity contribute now, in what way can they perform socially relevant work? How do they conclude that they should not be bothered with chores, that parents are there to serve them and entertain them? How has our culture changed?

Yet if they can’t say NO then who are they? How does this balance with adult responsibilities to look out for their best interests, which may not be what they want at the moment?

Here is what you should be getting:

Today: Empowering or Controlling?

Day 2: How much power do you give them, and how do you handle arguing/disagreements?

Day 3: How do you shut down and ignore to protect yourself from your children?

Day 4: What would you like your children to remember about you?

Day 5: Do you use your power to oppress or liberate?

Day 6: Resources to deepen and broaden parenting skills and knowledge

Day 7: Power-up phrases to use with kids

Day 8: More reading for you, articles and topics of special interest to help children

To sign up for the free course: click here.

The course is created by Brad Mason, LPC, LSSP, owner of the Family Counseling Center in Georgetown, Texas, author of the intensivecareforyou video course series, several books, and workshop presenter. I’m offering you a free mini-course, Power in Adult-child Relationships, containing some of the content from my next book, My Power Book.

I would certainly appreciate any comments or criticism I can use to make my book a better tool and a better read for my audience. Soon I will also offer additional free courses; Balancing Power in Adult Relationships, Personal Power, and The Power of Story Exercise. More about that later. You can also find mini courses, Behavior Management Tips and Tools Giveaway, and the Mindgarden course, which is for use in teaching children the power of thought, how to avoid negative thoughts and make positive ones, and how not to give away your power to some teasing bully or not getting your way to decide whether you feel okay or not. Find these and tons of pdf forms and templates for helping kids who struggle here.

Most of the materials are appropriate to use with children on the autism spectrum and/or with ADHD since these are what I specialize in with my private practice.

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How can you stop an autistic child from perseverating?

Perseveration becomes a problem when it interferes with normal life activities. Especially it becomes a problem when someone gets “caught in a loop,” and it involves escalating emotions. The target of the perseveration may be about a past emotional injury such as bullying, teasing, or an injustice, or a fear about the future, “What if…,” or it may be about something the person wants to do or have that is not possible or reasonable to obtain at that particular moment. The person may believe that they must do or have this thing, and emotionally escalate and even become aggressive in the attempt to get or do something they want in order to satisfy their anxiety about getting/not getting.

There are several ways to help someone overcome a perseverative behavior or verbalization.

One is to abruptly interrupt, or redirect, by quickly substituting a safer topic to think about or activity/object as a distraction.

A second would be to gently redirect by joining in and mirroring the perseverative behavior and modify it slightly to make it a socially relevant conversation or game.

You could also try a cognitive-behavioral technique, exploring the logical problem with thinking you must or you have to, reviewing what are the things you really must have to survive, like air and water. Point out the difference between wanting and needing.

Remind them to “Catch the thought,” and “Use your brain filter.” State that not all thoughts need to be spoken and to consider what others want and need to hear from you.

Make a T-chart of good things to think about and not-so good things to think about.

Explain the process and problem of “getting stuck in a loop” and generate a catch phrase to cue the person to make an effort to think and talk about one of their good things to think about. You could also use a gesture such as placing your hand over your mouth and saying “Oops! Catch yourself!”

Explore with your subject how they feel when they get stuck. Do they like this feeling? How do they know when they are getting stuck? How do people around you think and feel when you repeat the same thing over and over? Do other people like you better when you pay attention to what they are talking about?

Behaviorally you could ignore and move away when the perseveration presents, and offer rewards when the person successfully catches themselves and stops or switches to something else.

If the perseveration has an obsessive-compulsive component, you could practice Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). For example, your subject gets stuck thinking they must get up and open and close the door seven times. You would spend several minutes a day asking them to think really hard for several minutes about having to do this behavior, and then don’t allow them to do it. Continue this for two to four weeks. If one disruptive behavior stops and there are others or another appears, you can switch to another obsession/compulsion.

Finally, you could make a “Perseveration Station,” a place to go when stuck with highly desired activities that are incompatible with the perseveration, and hopefully interesting enough to engage and distract. Or, you could direct them to this place at a regularly scheduled time of day, and instruct them to spend 15 minutes perseverating, hoping that they will get tired of it and say, “But I don’t want to do this anymore, or, I don’t want to worry.” This would be practicing paradoxical intention.

I hope this helps you stop an autistic child from perseverating at least sometimes and ease both your and their suffering.

If you have more ideas, email them to me and I will add them to this list.

bradmasonlpc@aol.com

You can find this document in pdf along with many more forms, templates, and free courses I have set up to help you help children who struggle here.

Taken from my book Diagnosis Autism or Aspergers: Now What?

Here are more related articles:

Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism

How to Get Anxious Child to Use Coping Strategies

Caregiver Stress Inventory

Success Story Strategy for Autistic Anxiety

Bullying Help for Child with Autism

Is Autism a disease?

Autism and video game addiction

Social Skills for the spectrum ages 4-8

Autism sensitivity training for classmates resources

NIMH Autism information

Autism Society

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If you’re looking for a life hack to be a good parent this is it find out how this is both good news and bad news!

The moral of the story here is don’t be the genius. As long as you keep giving the answers and telling kids what they should do, you run the risk that they will not learn to rely on themselves to solve their own problems and make decisions.

Let’s say you’ve got an angry escalating kid on your hands. Here’s some response choices:

Telling                                                                                Asking

Why don’t you go to your room and cool off?           What do you think you will do?

You shouldn’t be so angry.                                            Why are you mad?

Don’t yell.                                                                          How can                                  you                           calm                    yourself?

Stop it.

  Do you want to try any of your coping
strategies to help yourself feel better now?

What’s the difference? In the left column, who is taking responsibility for fixing feelings and problems? What’s going to happen if the child thinks the parent or helping adult is responsible for fixing their problems and feelings? Might they target that caregiver and try to make the caregiver make them okay? Attempt to bully and intimidate until their feeling subside or the caregiver takes some action that gets the child what they want? If you take responsibility for making them okay, they may begin to blame you whenever they are not. Yet it may seem that nothing you tell them makes them okay.

In the right hand column, the responsibility for action, resolution is placed on the person experiencing a problem or emotional response. They are empowered to find and believe that they can figure it out, that they and only they are responsible for what they feel and do. Which do you prefer?

Getting ready for school:

Telling                                                                                     Asking

Get dressed, we have to leave soon.

                                                                                                   I am noticing that you are not dressed and we are                                                                                                      leaving in 15 minutes. What is your plan?

What do you need to do to be ready
for school?  The next  step would be, after a
few days, look at them and wait a
moment before heading out the door
to see if they can initiate proper
action on their own.

Get dressed now! How many times

Do I have to tell you?

Cleaning and chores:

Put your dishes in the dishwasher.

What did we decide would happen
if you don’t put your dishes in
the dishwasher?

By asking questions rather than telling answers, an adult can guide the child to doing the work, the noticing and the thinking, themselves. To believe they can and it’s up to them. They can decide. They can figure it out. They have the internal resources to manage their feelings and problems. Are you interested in a quick solution to the problem now, or long-term learning and growing in independence, personal responsibility? Ask them the questions they need to be asking for themselves.

Self-assessment

Place a check next to which sentences are true for you.

I keep telling them what they should do, to use their coping skills, but they won’t listen.

I express confidence they can figure it out, offer empathy and support, reflect so they know I understand what they think and feel.

I remain frustrated that nothing I tell them works.

It’s my fault they are upset, it’s my job to make them feel better and make the world better for them.

Only they create and can resolve their own feelings.

I can’t stand it when they are angry or upset.

I can remain calm and supportive without enabling or blaming when they are angry or upset.

I am responsible for what they do and feel.

They don’t do what I tell them to do and I have to tell them over and over again.

I have to do all the noticing and reminding. Then I become resentful and nagging, and they tune me out even more. I do all the thinking for them, their brain is in neutral or checked out.

If you ask, they can start thinking and noticing for themselves.

They are responsible for themselves and their actions.

What is a victim mindset? Would you say that they make you get angry and yell?

Could you be placing yourself in a martyr mindset? What does this mean?

There’s no scorekeeping here, just food for thought.

How does this relate to everyday entitlement and narcissism?

How do you model for them? Do you take responsibility for your own actions and feelings, or do you blame them, or ally yourself with them and join in blaming the teacher, the school, the sibling?

Do you like to be told what to do? Are you in the habit of telling others what to do? This behavior does not foster healthy communication; it tears relationships apart.

If you always try to protect them from the realities and injustices, what are you teaching? That they can’t take care of themselves? The world should be fair? They are always dependent on you to fix things for them? That they are to be overwhelmed and

If you keep them comfortable, rather than allowing them to be uncomfortable, you are removing their motivation to try something new, to grow and change. We grow and change when we are uncomfortable, it’s the challenge that spurs us to make new and greater efforts. If we are perfectly comfortable and cared for, why work and why change?

By asking rather than telling we are not just teaching responsibility. We are demonstrating respect and trust, fostering confidence and self-esteem, connecting and building our relationship. We are showing faith that the child can notice problems and solve them on their own.

For a pdf copy of this document please go to my Resources for Free page and choose “Teaching Responsibility and Independence- Telling vs Asking” There’s tons of other resources for free for you here, too, including brief courses on behavior management and teaching thinking skills.

Remember that what your kids want most from you is your appreciation and to feel they are important.

If you had planted seeds and were disappointed by their lack of growth or slow growth you wouldn’t withhold water to teach them a lesson and make them grow faster and stronger, right? So it is with children and your heartfelt appreciation and praise.

There are a lot of other articles in my blog on this site, please help yourself and feel free to share. Making your job easier and kids’ lives better is what it’s here for.

Ironically, I really worked to teach my ADHD child responsibility and independence, and now I’m sad because he doesn’t need me anymore!

ADHD & ODD: Reaching, Teaching, and Managing Video Course

NIMH ADHD information

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1.) I can micromanage my child’s education. I get electronic notifications if they misbehave, miss an assignment, or make a bad grade way before the report card comes.

2.) I can track my teens’ location by their GPS cell phone.

3.) I have 24-seven two-way communication like only the army used to have with my own children in case of emergency. Like if they want to go play at a friend’s house and want me to pick them up from school drive them there and then go back and get them a couple hours later to pick them up just as soon as they text me that they are ready to go.

4.) Driving with kids is so much easier. you don’t have to listen to them or help them learn how to resolve conflicts with one another while you drive.

5.) By the time they hit 13, if you let them have a smart phone, you pretty much never have to listen to them, talk to them, and probably pretty much won’t see them anymore.

Seriously, though, reply with your ideas about some of the pros of the digital age for parents and child development. I will collect the responses and repost them together.

Frankly, this stuff scares the heck out of me. I watch the way my own kids are sucked into their screens. I see smart kids in my office who are willing to give up everything for their video games and snapchat, etc. I thought it would be good to add some levity by conjuring up what is good for us in all this electronic intrusion into our lives. What do you think are parents’ digital age benefits? Please help me?

What is going on here?

Pros and Cons of Digital Media and Human Development (This is a pdf document I created which you are welcome to view or print and pass along)

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