Silly question, right? How can you ever have enough to stop the madness when it comes to the ways adults often interact with children who have differences?

We can make it better. We can train adults in more loving and effective methods, and we can teach children emotional coping skills, social skills, and better ways to behave so they get more of what they really need.

And hey, it’s not rocket science. We can all get better at what we do, making the world a better place for children, so that each successive generation is healthier than the last, making the world better by making more healthy loving people.

I hope you will sign up to join me in learning and sharing by clicking here

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Ever wonder why people get “stuck?” Is it fear of change? Staying in the comfort zone of what you have gotten used to, even if it’s not really what you want and dream of? Listening to the internal critic and pessimism, resigning yourself to helplessness, in effect giving away your power to change? Or maybe it’s blaming someone or something for holding you back- not enough time, money, energy, nobody helps you, somebody is keeping you this way, believing things are static and can’t change, this is just the way it is?

There are many ways people can give away their power, the power to change, to create something new, to feel or think the way you really want to, to act differently or react differently.

Our stories about ourselves, our children, and our lives are very powerful. They inform us about how to think, feel, and act. They tell us what we can and can not do. We tell our stories to others who will listen and agree with our story. If they didn’t agree, or offered another explanation, it is as if they are denying us our reality, the one we are invested in, perhaps the one that explains why we have no power to be different, to feel different, to think and act differently to get a new outcome. So we tend to seek those who agree with us, and become angry with those who do not, denying their message and our own power for change. This is tribal power. This is how we maintain our “illness.”

Children learn this from us at an early age.

“He makes me get mad and have a fit.”

“My parents don’t let me play enough video games and just leave me alone, and that’s the only thing that makes me happy, I can’t live and be happy without them, my parents just want to control me, I’m miserable because of my parents, or because of school.”

“I can’t stand it when things aren’t fair.”

“School is just too boring. I can’t do it.”

“I can’t concentrate because I have…(ADHD, don’t care,…”

“I’m just lazy, that’s why I don’t do homework.”

“My parents care more about ________ than me.”

The list goes on and on.

About a thousand years ago, there was an old man sitting by a road in the dirt. It was hot, and dry, and dusty. As he sat there, a traveler approached. The man walking looked sweaty and burdened by the pack on his back, his head hung as he watched his feet moving slowly through the dust. Clump, clump, clump.

When he got to the old man sitting, he looked up and said, “Tell me about the next town I am coming to. The one I came from is horrible. The people treated me badly, there was no justice, no love, and no way to make a decent living. Is the next town any better, is it a place I should go?”

The old man frowned and shook his head sadly. “No,” he said, “You will find the same thing in the next town, you should just keep going.”

About an hour later, another man came walking down the dusty road. This man carried himself erect, looked straight ahead, and smiled when he saw the old man. “Tell me,” he said, “I have just come from a town that was wonderful, the people were all nice to me, I was able to earn a decent living, the town was overall a very fair and just place to live. I am so sad to leave it. Will this next town be anything like the last, will people be nice and fair?”

The old man smiled and nodded his head. “You should definitely go and stay in the next town, it will be just the same, and you will be happy there.”

The “placebo effect” is another way our stories and beliefs inform us about how to think and feel and behave. We believe in the curing power of the pill, and we get better. Just like that.

All of the stories about the hero’s journey have common elements. There has to be weakness, darkness, struggle, seemingly insurmountable foes or odds holding them back. It takes courage to face the obstacles, the trolls under the bridges. It takes hope, investment, and a dream of better and different. Something or someone worthwhile to save. The hero struggles through a dark time, not knowing will he live or die, or ever finish her quest. The hero decides to try in spite of the fears, becomes stronger, overcomes obstacles, finds resources within and without,  learns skills, finds allies to help, and against all odds, emerges victorious in the end.

Star Wars has many such stories. The latest even has a heroine. We can use these stories as metaphors to help ourselves and our children overcome obstacles within and without to change and emerge victorious, to heal, to conquer, to “get better.” We can do this by referencing a story they know, a movie you just watched together, and compare them to the hero, comparing the obstacles and foes in the story to our or their obstacles and foes, we can elicit from them their story about what ails them, and help them construct a story where, like the hero, they become the hero in their own story.

“I wonder how and when you, like Luke, might overcome Darth Vader and the dark side, to use your force for good, and make your life and the lives of others better.” You can become the hero in your story. All you need is to first imagine the possibility and then have a little hope.

Get a free video and mini-course to help kids recognize and reconstruct their faulty thoughts and stories, and quit giving away their power to succeed and feel okay when faced with obstacles, criticism, and teasing here.

I’d love to hear your story, and after reviewing I can post stories and my responses to stories here on this post page.

Take the free 5 day challenge to change your story and become the hero by signing up here.

Brad Mason, LPC

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Autism Aspergers Syndrome PDD-NOS Book

I read some years ago in my NASP(National Association of School Psychologists http://www.nasponline.org/resources/ ) handbook that “autism is a lifelong disease. “ I think this is misleading from two standpoints. First, it’s not a disease. It doesn’t get worse as time goes on, it doesn’t mean the person is sick, and you can’t die from it. Second, while there may or may not be a “cure,” the symptoms of high functioning autism or PDD-NOS can and usually do improve over time and with effort. Rather than viewing autism as a disease, I would encourage you to think of it as a difference that may at times cause some “dis-ease,” and at other times may produce miracles of innovation and creativity.

I made this book for you. I wrote this to spread understanding, acceptance, and appropriate assistance for all the people who have symptoms of autism or asperger syndrome, and I created this text to accompany my video by the same title and for the same purposes. The video has interviews with some special people who have overcome a great many challenges, with help and special parenting, to find themselves comfortable with who they are and reconciled with the criticisms and judgements they received from others. I want you to become that person for someone else that always has compassion, always thinks well of them, continues to encourage and support even when unexpected behaviors are occurring. Hopefully you had at least one person in your life who you knew always saw you that way, and helped you see yourself as good, lifted you to your better possible self.

I think God made people different for a reason. Look at Einstein and Edison, DaVinci and Mozart.

Who do you think came up with and designed rockets and computers, anyway?

Either you or someone you know has autism. I hope this will help you expand your limits and overcome obstacles. You have no idea how much you have to offer and how far you and those you love can go until you stop limiting. With understanding, love, and therapeutic social connections we can all transform and leap into a happy, healthy, and purposeful life. I’ve seen this happen over and over in my practice.

This is not intended to be the be-all end-all manual for autism and asperger syndrome, it is meant to give a quick overview that explains why people with this condition have the difficulties and unexpected behaviors they display, and some resources and techniques for getting started on making it better. You should come away with an overview of the characteristics of autism spectrum disorder and have some practical strategies and good resources to help you remediate or compensate for these difficulties and help those on the spectrum do what is expected more often and enjoy a higher quality of life.

Mindblindness- Theory of Mind

Theory of mind, or TOM, means understanding that other people have their own agendas, feelings, and ideas that are separate from yours- their own mind with different plans, opinions, preferences, and experiences. So someone with disruptions in the development of TOM may tend to view the world as if we are all participating in the same stream of consciousness- theirs. This explains why a person on the spectrum may start a conversation somewhere in the middle without providing an introduction or context. Why they might be upset if your plan or opinion differs from theirs. Why they might at times treat others as if they should perform their will as if the separate person were an extension of the spectrum person’s body, like one of their hands. Wouldn’t you be frustrated if one of your arms or legs suddenly quit working and wouldn’t follow your instructions?
On the milder end we may have insistence that an opinion is a fact, neglecting to ask for help (because they don’t think about the fact that others may know things they don’t) and trouble with perspective-taking. On the severe end of disrupted development of TOM we could have a person who doesn’t recognize others as beings to interact with at all.
Characteristics of poorly developed theory of mind could include difficulty with the following;

-literal- Concrete and fail to interpret figures of speech/idioms, tend to split hairs such as arguing that it is not 4:00 yet it’s only 3:58.
-empathy- May not notice how others are feeling or may not modify their behavior to keep others feeling good.
-perspective taking- May stay stuck in their perspective and insist others are wrong if they don’t agree, may even try to make others agree they are right.
-persuading- May demand and insist rather than using tact and diplomacy to influence others.
-compromise- Exactly my way or the highway.
-honest to a fault- How much food did you have to eat to get that fat?
-conflict resolution- Lacking diplomacy and tact needed for resolving interpersonal problems.
-get overwhelmed- being around others because they are working so hard to figure them out rather than using intuition.

You may also notice the following characteristics:
-not know when to be embarrassed
-have trouble predicting how others will feel or react to them
-may appear rude and disrespectful
-may be paranoid because others seem so unpredictable
-trouble understanding deception
-starting in the middle of a conversation- think you know what they know
-don’t realize or read the cues that others aren’t interested in monologues

What are some ways to help a person develop better perspective-taking skills, more empathy, greater consideration of how they impact and shape the experience and feelings of the people with whom they share space?

To help with being overly literal and splitting hairs, I like to teach the kids what splitting hairs means, have them think about trying to split a hair, and show them on a clock with hands and numbers the difference between 3:58 and 4:00, and encourage the parents to use these keywords and anchoring experiences when their kid is “making a mountain out of a molehill” again. It can be fun to conjure and draw images to go with idioms for fun- a “brook chuckling over it’s stoney bed,” “hurting like fire,” “can we get on the same page here?” After laughing we can think about what does this phrase REALLY mean? Apples to Apples is a game that makes you look at how unidentical terms could be somewhat the same, even though not exactly so.

More importantly you can ask kids to make inferences based on nonverbal clues as to what a person’s plan might be. For instance, if two people are talking, standing close to one another, and a third person approaches and stands closely watching them but not speaking, what is the silent person’s intention? That’s right, they want to say or ask something, they are using their body position to give the speaking people awareness that they want something from them without verbally interrupting. You can watch for these teachable moments while at home or in the community, and you can use cartoons as well, pausing on a character before they speak or do something, and asking the child to use the clues to guess what the character is thinking or feeling.
Getting someone with a literal thinking style to make guesses can be tough because many of these folks do not like gray areas- and you can’t REALLY know what someone is thinking or planning but you are expected to make a guess or ask if you are not sure. Socializing is really based on a lot of guesswork, much of which you can’t be completely sure of. Most of us do it automatically without thinking about it, but without this guesswork and scaffolding of assumptions, we really can’t socialize effectively at all. You have to be willing and able to watch people and make guesses about their thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
You are a Social Detective is a good book to teach younger children- from developmental age of about 4-8 years- how to use what they see and hear to do what is expected and how doing what is unexpected can impact how others feel about them in a negative way.

I also teach kids to defer, which means to allow other people to think they are right even when you think they are wrong- just let it go and don’t continue to insist or argue. Sometimes it’s better to allow someone to think they are right even though you don’t agree so the play or conversation can move forward.
Getting someone who is not in the habit of thinking about how others are thinking about them and modifying their behavior to keep others having good thoughts about them will often take many, many repeated trials. Using behavior modification techniques to increase motivation will help too. (How would this look? Please see my video Behavior Management at it’s Best, and take some valuable concepts and techniques that can help you every day).
For greater grasp of deception I like to give kids in my groups some real money and teach them to play poker. I explain bluffing, ways to recognize a bluff and how to manage your nonverbal communication to make a bluff, and I explain that people out there in the world will try to deceive you to get your money. There are also some games you can play with them, such as Fib or Not and Fact or Crap. In Fib or Not the kids have to either tell a story that is true but try to convince their playmates the story is a lie, or they have to tell a story that is a lie but convince playmates it is true.

Video Preview: https://vimeo.com/user15018735/review/130643900/c1e53d2f16

More info from the National Institute of Mental Health http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/autism-listing.shtml

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There’s a problem inherent in counseling people about their problems. The risk is that we are modeling and training to notice and focus on failures and problems. As soon as one gets better another is chosen or created. One way to overcome this risk is to be solution focused. In solution focused brief therapy the person is not the problem they are bothered by the problem and the person who discusses the problem. We make subtle but important shifts as counselors when we meet with our clients, asking when they were not bothered by the problem, how will they know, or what will they seem themselves doing differently when the problem is getting better, and discussing what they are doing right and successes.

Here is how we can use language to facilitate people taking action to meet goals:

People have resources to solve their own problems. “Wow- how did you do that?” “Who else noticed you?” “When this problem is not happening, what will you see yourself doing?”
Change is inevitable. Focus the conversation on how things will be different rather than on how things are the same. “What is different about the times when you get your work done and stay in class?” “How did you help them not have the problem?” How are you keeping things from getting worse?”
Your job is to call out and expand the changes. Find what is working, when the problem is not happening, call it out as important and valuable.

“What have you done that went well or wasn’t a problem?” “Remember how you were this time last year? Can you see how different you are now, the progress you have made?” “If you keep going at this rate, I wonder what you will be doing 6 months from now?”
History and thorough analysis of the problem is not necessary. “Can you remember a time when this problem was not bothering you? How can you make that happen again?”
Why the problem happened is not necessary. If you are working with kids whose executive functions, especially metacognition, are delayed, they don’t know what they did let alone why, ditto for the memory of all people for events that occurred while they were very upset. “How much of the day were you not angry today?” “How do you limit the number of times you blurt out without being called on?”
Small changes can lead to bigger global changes. Optimism, confidence, and motivation can help a person overcome all kinds of obstacles. Trust me, I’ve seen miracle shifts in demeanor, behavior, and family systems happen in days after years of suffering. “What has happened since last time that you would like to continue?” How do you keep yourself from ________ so much of the time?” “What other areas have you noticed good things you have done?”
Even if they are a kid, and have IEP goals, let them define some of their own goals. If you as a therapist and your client have not agreed on explicit and clearly stated goals, you may have no therapeutic alliance. You are not on the same team. What would you like to see happening in your life as a result of us working together?” What is the problem that most bothers you that you would like help with first?” “Would you be okay with learning how to use your smart brain in even smarter ways and feeling the way you want to more often?”
Big changes fast are possible. Only problems are hard. Solutions can be easy. Once you know the solution, you say, “Oh, of course!” “What will you be doing when this problem no longer bothers you at all?” “Who would you have to be if you gave up this (thought, feeling, behavior)?” “On a scale from 1-10, how confident do you feel that you will be able to do better this week now?” If they give an encouraging number, say, “That feels good, right?” while you nod your head, trying to get them to mirror your nod, and when they say yes, keep nodding and say “Really good.”

“How much progress do you think you have made, on a scale from 1-10? How will you keep that going?” “How worry did you feel, from 1-10, when we first started? How about now? And if you were to move up just a point or two on that scale, what would you see yourself doing differently, or how would you know?” (In my private practice, when I first started, I had a number of folks who only came in once.

I was worried about this, and wanted to find out what I was doing wrong, so I sent out surveys after my second year of practice to about 600 families. I asked them to rate their experience and improvement with questions and 1-5 scales- Likert scales, and let them include notes on the back, gave them a stamped envelope to send it back in. I got 462 back, and man, was I gritting my teeth to hear the criticism. There was no criticism, in fact, quite the opposite- and many people said they got the changes they were looking for from meeting one time. How about that?)
There is no one right way to think about things. We are in no position to judge how hard things are for someone else or what their experience might be like. We borrow a trick from the consultation model by not minimizing or contradicting a clients’ report of how severe things are. “How do you know the difference between hatred and annoyance?” “What is the difference between depression and feeling a little down?” “When you have a panic attack, what happens?”
We do not focus on what we cannot change. “We can’t control the person who is “making you” mad, we can’t make school go away.” What you can influence and manage is how you think and feel, and how bothered you become about the things you can’t change. Nobody can make you do anything without your permission and cooperation. “How do you do well with other people or in other settings, and how can you use those strategies in this situation?”

If it works don’t fix it. If everything you are trying is not working, do something completely different. Keep it simple. Approach each session as if it were your last and only. Failure is a success at ruling out what doesn’t work.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solution_focused_brief_therapy

Sources
Berg, I. K. (1994). Family Based Services: A Solution-focused Approach. New York:Norton.
Bonnington, S. B. (1993). Soution-focused brief therapy: Helpful interventions for school counselors. School Counselor, 41, 126-128.
Metcalf, L. (1995). Counseling Toward Solutions: A practical solution-focused program for working with students, teachers, and parents. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Center for Applied Research in Education.

Dream Book

This is a beautiful way for a student to establish a sense of purpose and start planting the seeds of what they want to grow in the garden of their mind (Please also read “Garden of the Mind).

Ideally, a dream book will be a special and leather-bound book so it will last, even and especially when it’s owner falls asleep with it in bed.

The Dream Book’s user should be instructed as follows:

1.) On each page, as you think of one, write a dream you have for yourself.

2.) Go to Google Images, or other source of images, such as your own photos, or even better you can create your own symbol or drawing to represent each of the dreams written in your dreambook and tape or paste it into the page with your written description.

3.) At night right before you go to sleep, review your dreams, and try to take a few moments as you arise in the morning to see yourself living the dreams you want.

Rationale:
1.) Writing your goals and focusing on a specific image of the goal helps you be clear and specific about your vision and intention,

2.) Regular dream review helps you stay focused and encourages accountability,
in addition to replacing negative and discouraging thoughts that can be obstacles

Focusing your conscious attention on what you want to create rather than your fears and what you are afraid might happen helps you harness that 95% of mental activity that we are not aware of and put it to work for us. We remember best what we studied right before we went to sleep and as we walk through daily life we can prime ourselves to notice opportunities to realize our dreams and evidence that they are already true or are in the process of becoming true.

Try this yourself for a week and send me an email to tell me what you notice. I think you will be amazed at how quickly your experience and perspective can change.

My Dreambook has all kinds of dreams in it- from materialism and vanity to goals of lofty nobility. For example, the first image and dream I put in my book was a 2014 Mustang that was lowered and had staggered wheels. That image is on the left, and within a few months, the one on the right is mine, and it’s way cooler than the one I imagined! I also have goals to be a great and loving husband, and
“I am
successful helping thousands heal.”

Check out the book, Your Dream Book, here on my site. Not only is it inspirational and motivating, it is a beautiful work of art.

Sign up for the free mini-course; get more resources, videos, and instruction: click here.

http://www2.nami.org/content/navigationmenu/hearts_and_minds/resources195/mygoalsworksheet.pdf

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(scroll down the page for the related service counseling IEP goals menu)

Update: Telemedicine virtual online counseling now available here: https://www.bradmasoncounselor.com/

Coronavirus Kid Care Kit detailing how to reassure kids in crisis by age group, structuring their day, menu of offline at-home activities, and managing technology use. Children with special needs and behavior problems stuck at home without structure can push their parents to the edge. Send them this free resource.

Counseling Services
IDEA defines related service counseling as follows:
(2) Counseling services means services provided by qualified social workers, psychologists, guidance counselors, or other qualified personnel. [§300.34(c)(2)]
According to the American School Counselor Association (2007), counseling services are intended to help all children in the areas of academic achievement, personal/social development and career development. This can include helping children with personal and social concerns such as developing self-knowledge, making effective decisions, learning health choices, and improving responsibility. Counselors may also help children with future planning related to setting and reaching academic goals, developing a positive attitude toward learning, and recognizing and utilizing academic strengths.
Note that IDEA’s list of related services includes other counseling services—parent counseling and training; and rehabilitation counseling (that is, counseling specific to career development and employment preparation). These are defined separately in IDEA and are clearly different from counseling services (which are also not to be confused with psychological services).

§300.34  Related services.
(a) General. Related services means transportation and such developmental, corrective, and other supportive services as are required to assist a child with a disability to benefit from special education, and includes….
This beginning represents the core of how IDEA defines related services. The term related services is typically spoken in the same breath as special education (similar to how “peas and carrots” and “ham and eggs” go together) and, when used in IDEA, will always have the same meaning, including the part of the definition we haven’t shown you yet, which picks up where the beginning leaves off…
…and includes speech-language pathology and audiology services, interpreting services, psychological services, physical and occupational therapy, recreation, including therapeutic recreation, early identification and assessment of disabilities in children, counseling services, including rehabilitation counseling, orientation and mobility services, and medical services for diagnostic or evaluation purposes. Related services also include school health services and school nurse services, social work services in schools, and parent counseling and training.
Clearly, the list of related services is extensive–and, as already mentioned, the list is not exhaustive. These are just the services that IDEA specifically mentions. As states respond to the requirements of federal law,
– See more at: http://www.wrightslaw.com/info/relsvcs.faqs.htm#sthash.GpWU1BUV.dpuf

Parent Counseling and Training
Parent counseling and training is an important related service that can help parents enhance the vital role they play in the lives of their children. Its definition is found at §300.34(c)(8) and reads:
(8)(i) Parent counseling and training means assisting parents in understanding the special needs of their child;
(ii) Providing parents with information about child development; and
(iii) Helping parents to acquire the necessary skills that will allow them to support the implementation of their child’s IEP or IFSP.
The first two parts of this definition are longstanding in IDEA. The last part—regarding helping parents acquire the necessary skills that will allow them to support the implementation of their child’s IEP or IFSP—was added in IDEA ’97 “to recognize the more active role of parents as participants in the education of their children” (71 Fed. Reg. at 46573) and is retained in IDEA 2004. As with all related services, parent counseling and training would only be provided to parents “if  a child’s IEP team determines that it is necessary for the child to receive FAPE” (Id.).

IEP Behavioral and Counseling IEP Goals Menu

Aggression

_________ will demonstrate being mad the right way ___% of observed trials.

_________ will use appropriate strategies to calm themselves with prompts ___% of observed trials.

_________ will allow themselves to be mad or frustrated without hurting 90% of observed opportunities.

_________ will refrain from physical aggression (i.e. kicking, hitting, pushing, tripping) across all environments in school, for 4 consecutive weeks, with all adults and children as measured by event data.

_________ will refrain from aggression (i.e. hitting, kicking, pushing) 100% of the day, across all environments, with all adults and children as measured by special education event data, over 8 consecutive weeks.
Class Participation

_______ will demonstrate raising her hand to participate in whole class and/or small group instruction, 80% of the time in 5 out of 5 intervals, as measured by teacher observations.

_______ will respond when called upon 80% of observed trials.

Coping Skills/ Emotional Regulation/ Self-Regulation

In the classroom environment, ______ will utilize positive self-talk and coping strategies to handle stressful situations or work demands in which he/she manifests anxious or withdrawn behavior (i.e. putting head down, saying he/she can’t do something), demonstrated by engaging in the 30 minute activity or situation in a calm and positive manner with one prompt on 2/3 occasions.

In counseling sessions, _______ will accurately identify feelings and appropriate coping strategies when presented with real or imagined situations with 80% accuracy on 4 out of 5 trials.

When _____ becomes upset, frustrated, or angry, he will use a self-regulation/coping strategy (movement break, deep breathing, quiet space break, deep pressure/heavy work activity, etc.) to avoid engaging in an unexpected behavior, with one reminder, on 4 out of 5 opportunities, as measured by observations and documentation.
__________ will improve his self-regulation skills as demonstrated through utilizing a tool (e.g. inner coach, sensory support, calming break) to aid in regulating to an expected emotional state (e.g. green zone – which is when we feel calm, happy, content, and focused) with one adult reminder on 8 out of 10 instances in a small group setting, as measured over two week period

______ will improve insight on regulation as demonstrated by identifying the instances where he/she could have benefited from utilizing a tool to aid in regulation and determine what tool would have been beneficial for each instance with 80% accuracy.

When presented with a problem (non-preferred task, frustrating situation, criticism/correction), ______ will accurately determine the size of the problem (big problem, little problem) and determine the appropriate emotional response (take a break, talk with teacher, take a deep breath, replace frustration with good thoughts, etc.) and return to task at hand in 4 out of 5 trials as measured by teacher charted data.

When given a frustrating situation (i.e. undesired task, demand, and/or undesired peer behavior), with one prompt ________ will utilize coping strategies (i.e. take a break, deep breaths, etc.) and return to and remain on task with a calm body and mind for a minimum of 10 minutes with an average of 95% over 8 consecutive school weeks, across all classroom environments.

When presented with a situation known by ______ to be anxiety or frustration producing for him (i.e. non-prefered task, unexpected obstacle such as ______, tasks perceived as too difficult, unfamiliar adult, and non-preferred adult), he will independently demonstrate an appropriate emotional response through finding a solution to his problem or using a strategy to regulate back to an expected emotional state (take a break, talk with teacher, etc.) and return to task at hand within 2 minutes, for an average of 80% of instances both throughout all environments and within each environment.

Self-Monitoring

_______ will demonstrate the ability to recognize expected and unexpected behaviors as well as rate his own behavior as part of his self-monitoring system with 80% accuracy as compared to teacher ratings of behavior.

______ will demonstrate the ability to accurately recognize her level of anxiety through the use of a visual self-rating system (e.g. feelings thermometer) with 80% accuracy, as compared to teacher observations and data.

Self -Control

_______ will show self-control of his/her body and voice (good personal space, keeping hands/arms/legs  near body, and appropriate voice level) in relation to the expected levels of the classroom and peers around him for 80% of a 20 minute period.

________ will demonstrate self-control in the classroom through raising his/her hand and waiting to be called on by the teacher when he/she has a question in class, with 80% accuracy in 5 out of 5 trials, as measured by teacher observation and data collection.

IEP Goals for Anxiety

(blue underlined text indicates clickable downloadable documents for you to use   in counseling sessions)

In counseling sessions, _____ will accurately identify situations that can be anxiety producing and appropriate coping strategies or relaxation techniques when presented with real or imagined situations with 80% accuracy on 4 out of 5 trials.

______ will demonstrate the ability to accurately recognize her level of anxiety through the use of a visual self-rating system (e.g. Stressometer, 1-5 scale) with 80% accuracy, as compared to teacher observations and data.

During counseling sessions, __________ will use menus and highlight their Stress Triggers, personal Stress signs, and Stress Management Strategies that they believe they could utilize successfully.

In counseling sessions for anxiety, __________ will demonstrate understanding of the cognitive-behavioral model by completing and reviewing the Rational vs Irrational Thoughts Practice excercise,  Thinking Errors, Thinking Errors Practice, and Thought Record for specific anxious episodes with 80% accuracy.

________ will transition when prompted by teachers 80% of trials by interacting with their visual Activity Schedules.

On-Task/ Work Completion

When given a task or direction ______ will begin the task within 1 minute and remain on task for a minimum of 10 minutes independently with no more than 2 prompts on 8 out of 10 independent tasks, as measured by staff data.

Given a maximum of one verbal cue, _______ will attend to a non-preferred, small-group activity and/or independent assignment, without protest, and remain on task with no task avoidance (bathroom, getting a jacket, tying shoes, sharpening pencil, etc.) for 20 minutes, in 3 out of 4 trials, as measured by observations and staff documentation.

_______ will demonstrate on task-behavior in the general education setting for 75% of intervals during a 10 minute period, with the use of an appropriate fidget and one adult reminder, in 4/5 trials, as measured by observation and data.

________ will attend (sit still, eyes on teacher, hands to self, quiet voice) to a task during large and small group instruction across settings for a 10 minute period with no more then 1 teacher prompt in 4 out of 5 trials as measured by teacher charted data.

With movement breaks and the use of self-regulation strategies, _____ will demonstrate the ability to attend to a task for an average 75% of intervals in a 20 minute class period.

With the use of taught self-regulation strategies and self-monitoring checklists, ______ will independently begin a task (including non-preferred tasks) within 2 minutes of direction for an average of 80% of opportunities, across environments.

With the use of taught self-regulation strategies and self-monitoring checklists, once ______ has began an independent task, he will then remain focused on the task for at least 10 minutes, free from adult prompts, for an average of 80% of opportunities, across environments.

When given an assigned task, ____ will independently complete an assignment/task, and ask for assistance, if needed, with 80% accuracy in 5 out of 5 consecutive trials, in a small group setting, as measured by teacher-charted observations.

When given a non-preferred task paired with the use of self-regulation strategies and rewards systems, ______ will begin the task within 1 minute, and complete the appropriately modified version of the task within a predesignated appropriate amount of time (with use of timer) on 8 out of 10 opportunities, as measured by staff data.

In counseling sessions, _____ will accurately identify situations that can be anxiety producing and appropriate coping strategies or relaxation techniques when presented with real or imagined situations with 80% accuracy on 4 out of 5 trials.

______ will demonstrate the ability to accurately recognize her level of anxiety through the use of a visual self-rating system (e.g. feelings thermometer) with 80% accuracy, as compared to teacher observations and data.

Negative Comments and Gestures

With the use of Cognitive Behavioral Intervention (strategy of learning to regulate thoughts and beliefs in counseling paired with daily reinforcement as tools are utilized), _____ will reduce instances of negative comments and gestures to an average of 1 instance per hour, across all classroom settings, as measured over 6 trial days.

Please let me know if you have ideas about how to improve this counseling IEP goals menu.

Non-Compliance/ Following Directions

When given a frustrating situation (i.e. non-preferred task, not being able to choose preferred activity such as computers, etc) _______ will engage in no more than 20 minutes of non-compliance over a week period as measured through time sampling data.

Given a three step functional direction from an adult, _____ will complete all three steps with a maximum of 1 additional prompt in 4 out of 5 trials as measured by teacher observation and data.

Through the use of Self-Monitoring checklists, _______ will reduce instances of Passive Non-Compliance (becomes purposely and increasingly distracted through ignoring tasks, demands, or staff directives) to an average of 20% of intervals or less, both across all educational environments and within each educational environment, as measured across a one week period.

During a 20 minute academic task, ____ will respond to staff directives in an expected manner within 1 minute and with one reminder on 4 out of 5 trials, as measured by teacher observation and data.

Peer Interactions/ Social Skills

During unstructured play times, ______ will interact with peers in an appropriate manner through maintaining personal space and a respectful voice for an average 80% of intervals, measured over a 2 week period

_______ will decrease inappropriate verbal comments (such as “you are weird” or “you are a loser”) to 1 time per week or less by responding appropriately when his/her feelings are hurt (use words, talk to a teacher, walk away, stay calm) and seeking attention in appropriate ways (asking a friend to play, initiating conversation, giving a compliment) in 4 out of 5 trials as measured by teacher charted data.

During unstructured play (recess, choice time), _______will play (participate, share, follow directions/rules, take turns) with 1-2 peers for 10 minutes with no more then 1 adult prompt in 4 out of 5 opportunities as measured by teacher/staff data and observation.

Social/Emotional Problem Solving

When given scenarios of social conflicts, ______ will demonstrate problem solving skills by identifying the problem and generating two solutions appropriate to the situation in 4/5 trials, as measured by data collection.

Organization of Materials

_____ will organize his/her materials in a binder or folder and will bring assignments to and from school with 80% accuracy as measured by binder/agenda checks and teacher records.

_______ will organize his/her materials in a binder or folder and will bring assignments to and from school with 80% accuracy as measured by binder/agenda checks and teacher records.

Given helpful organizational strategies, _____ will present with organized school materials (folders, books, assignments, supplies) in his desk 3/4 times, 3 weeks in a row, as measured by review of his student planner, timely completion of assignments, and teacher report.

_______ will independently perform the task of writing his HW legibly in his planner and compile needed assignments in his binder with 80% accuracy in 5 out of 5 consecutive trials as measured by teacher-charted observations/ planner checks.

Want more? Check out my book Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools here.

Also find tons more free resources and mini courses for managing behavior and teaching kids self-control here.

Or, book me for a workshop! https://www.bradmasoncounselor.com/workshops/

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I hope you like this counseling IEP goals menu. Please let me know if you see ways to make it better or if you have more counseling IEP goals to add to this menu.

Classroom goal bank

Writing meaningful and measureable emotional/behavioral IEP goals

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Your thoughts are so powerful they create your reality. Where do your feelings come from? What happens, or how you think about what happens? For example, it could start raining, and I could think, “Oh no- this is going to ruin everything, I’m supposed to go fishing!” I could be really mad about the rain, and stay mad about it all day. Or, I could think, “Awesome! I’m so glad it’s raining! I hope it rains all day, then my grass won’t need to be watered, and maybe the river will fill up so I can go canoeing!” I could be happy about the rain all day. So it’s the same event- the rain- and depending on how I think about it, I could be either happy or mad. There’s where your choice and power lie.

Many people have difficulty stepping outside of their thoughts to think about what they are thinking about or doing. This is a vital thinking skill called metacognition. How do you edit your thoughts, inhibit impulses, or recognize your behavior does not fit in the context if you don’t think about what you are thinking or doing? Some people think in pictures and don’t use self-talk at all, which makes it hard to question, correct, and guide yourself. Emotional control and behavior control aren’t there. This is why teaching self-talk is so important. Then you can make a thought, and think about it. Is this true, correct, accurate? You don’t have to believe all your thoughts. You are not your thoughts, you are the observer of your thoughts, because you can notice a thought that isn’t right or feels bad, and make a better thought.

Sometimes I explain daydreaming to people, and make sure they understand the concept, and then ask them, “Do you ever daydream?” and they say, “No.” When asked what they are or were thinking, they will say, “I don’t know,” or “Nothing.”

We use the term “train of thought” to describe our stream of consciousness. I like to ask, “Where are you on your thought train? Are you on the caboose, just along for the ride, a victim of your thoughts? Would you rather be on the caboose as a passenger, or up in the engine as the conductor or engineer, driving the train, slowing down by putting on the brakes or speeding up, switching tracks when you don’t like where you’re going?”

Your brain makes thoughts all the time. Many of these thoughts are just garbage. They can be wrong, repeated unnecessarily, they can be worry thoughts about the future or angry thoughts about past regrets. What would happen if you tried to drive by watching the rear-view mirror?

And if you are staying upset about past events, well, I like to tell this story. You’ve seen that image of Santa Claus with his big bag of toys over his shoulder, right? What if someone had a bag like that, and everywhere they went, when they found dog poop on the ground, they scooped it into the bag. Then they said, “Man, I hate this stuff. It’s heavy and it stinks.

What would you tell this person? And if you are worrying about something bad happening in the future, isn’t that like living as if the bad event were true now, and living with the fear all the way from now until the future moment when the bad thing may or may not happen? Why would you want to do that?

Make a list of all your worries and fears on one side of a page, and on the other, write down what those worries ever did for you. Nothing, right? You see, your body doesn’t know the difference between what you think, what you imagine, what you dream, and what’s real.

Have you ever had that dream where you are falling or someone is trying to get you, and you wake up, and your heart is beating really fast and you feel scared for a few minutes until you tell yourself, it’s alright, it was just a dream, I’m okay?

See, all of what happens in your mind is real for your body, and while you don’t have complete control over your thoughts, you can decide which ones to believe and you can make new, better things to think or think about. You can practice thought replacement, or thought stopping. You can say to your thoughts, inside your head, “That’s nonsense, I don’t believe you.”

Another strategy for feeling better is called “mindfulness.” This means to try and focus all your awareness on the present moment. What do you hear? Try to hear at least three different sounds. What do you feel? Try to notice at least three different sensations. What do you see? Here’s the thing. The past isn’t real, it’s gone, it’s not now.

The future isn’t real, either, it’s not here, we can’t know what it will be. The only thing that is real is right now, the present. This is all we really have, the only place we exist. We don’t exist in the past or the future. Right now, what do you have to be grateful for? Make a list of what you like about yourself.

Maybe you have a healthy body, all your arms and legs, everything may work the way it’s supposed to. Maybe you are a good artist, friendly, funny, creative, good at Math, and so on. Do you have people in your life who love and care for you, a home with a roof that doesn’t leak, air conditioning for the summer to keep you cool, a bed to sleep in, food to eat? This is called gratitude.

Make this a list you can look at as school starts, write it on your mirror with a dry erase marker, review it before you go to sleep. Stay focused on what is good and right. One more thing about the present. The present is eternal, it always is. You have always been in the present moment and always will be. And in this present moment, you have everything you need. If you don’t have it and you are still here, you must not really need it. You always have had and will have everything you need, as long as you are here, it can’t be any other way. Mind bending, right?

Make a dream book, use the form I created called “garden of the mind.” Start planting your mindgarden, growing what you want and pulling the weeds of negative thoughts.

Next I want you to start using the “Thought Record” every day to record the thoughts you have either right before or during a time you are upset or stressed. Bring your “Thought Record” sheets back to me so we can look at them and make sure you are learning how to notice and correct your thoughts. This way, you are learning to use your smart brain in even smarter ways. Because if your brain makes thoughts that are inaccurate, not true, or feel bad, and you can make new thoughts that are more accurate, you are becoming smarter and able to feel better more often. Would you be okay with being smarter and feeling better?

Read the above passage and then the items below, and see if you or the person you are working with can identify the category of thinking error from the Thinking Errors sheet (find this in the free resources page on my website www.intensivecareforyou.com). Then try generating a smarter or better feeling way to think- make a better thought.

1. Sam raises his hand in class, and the teacher calls on someone else. Sam thinks, “My teacher doesn’t care about me.”
2. Beth has trouble figuring out the answer to the first problem on her Math test. She thinks, “I can’t do anything right. I’m terrible at Math!”
3. Steve wakes up and doesn’t feel all that great. He thinks, “If I have to go to school today, I’ll die!”
4. Peter’s Mom is running late to pick him up from school. He thinks, “Oh my God, she must have had an accident and gotten killed!”
5. Mary realizes there is a small hole in her shirt sleeve. She thinks, “Oh no, everyone is going to think I’m a slob!”
6. Matt asks if he can join a group in a game at recess, and they tell him no. Matt thinks, “Nobody ever wants to play with me. The kids at this school are all mean.”
7. Leo sees someone cut into the lunch line up in front of him. He yells at the other student, goes up to him and pushes him when he doesn’t respond, and here comes the principal, who tells him to stop and go back to his place in line. Leo argues with the principal, refuses to go back in line, and ends up going to the office. He thinks, “That’s not fair. I always follow the rules, and that kid needs to learn his lesson. I’m going to get him back tomorrow.”
8. Leah’s counselor asks her to try asking some classmates if she can sit with them at lunch. Leah says, “I can’t.”
9. Tanya kicks a girl for telling her she’s stupid. Tanya tells her teacher, “It’s not my fault, she called me stupid!” When Tanya goes home she pushes her little brother and tells her parents she can’t help it, because the kids at school were mean to her and her teacher isn’t fair.
10. Bart says that the best player in the NBA ever was Michael Jordan. Kevin disagrees and says it’s Magic Johnson. Bart argues, and keeps insisting he’s right after the teacher tells him to be quiet.
11. Karen is at home and her parents are arguing. Karen thinks, “I must have done something really bad.”
12. Mike goes home and his mother tells him to take out the trash. Mike thinks, “I hate taking out the trash. My life sucks.”
13. Alex has been good in school all year and made almost all A’s. He tries out for the school play and doesn’t get the part. “That’s not fair. The kid who got picked isn’t even as good a student as me. I never get what I deserve.”
14. Barbara asks Kara over to play after school. Kara says, “I can’t, I have a lot of homework. Barbara thinks, “Kara’s just being mean and doesn’t like me.” Barbara tells Kara, “Fine, see if I ever ask you over again.”
15. Nelson is playing baseball and he strikes out. He throws the bat and marches off the field saying “I’m never playing this game again. I never get a hit.”
16. Mason works really hard on a writing assignment, and Mr. Nelson gives him a B. Mason crumples up the paper and throws it in the trash. He tells Mr. Nelson, “That’s not fair, I did everything right, you should have given me an A.

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/basics/definition/prc-20013594

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The Gifted Child’s Struggle

Giftedness can create problems and conflicts; being a gifted child can also mean difficulty socializing with age peers, thinking styles that don’t always mesh well with the demands from the environment, even children who see themselves as little adults, challenging teachers and parents.

“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: 

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. 

To him… 

a touch is a blow, 

a sound is a noise, 

a misfortune is a tragedy, 

a joy is an ecstasy, 

a friend is a lover, 

a lover is a god, 

and failure is death. 

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create – – – so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.”

–Pearl Buck–

Video preview:  https://vimeo.com/131701761

Obviously, children who are gifted are going to surprise you early in their development by such characteristics as talking early with a vocabulary well beyond their age-peers, learning to read before kindergarten,  understanding addition and subtraction by early in kindergarten, intense curiosity, reduced need for sleep and increased energy level. Not all gifted children develop the same or show all of these characteristics.

(Scroll down to skip the story and see characteristics that interfere with proper identification and even misdiagnosis)

I remember being in the second grade with Mrs. Hefty. At the time I was very interested in learning about all of the creatures living outdoors; insects, reptiles, amphibians, mammals, birds. I remember struggling to stay still and pay attention to the boring once upon a time stories the teacher read during reading circle, and wondering why we couldn’t be outside experiencing life and learning about what was real. If the teachers are so smart, I remember thinking, why don’t they give the answers while the students ask the questions. I got in trouble a lot. “Mrs. Mason, Bradley doesn’t sit still during reading circle, he wanders away, he asks off-topic questions, and SOMEBODY put a live snake in the top drawer of my desk,” her notes and requests for conferences read.

Then next year I was placed in a very large classroom with about 40 students and two teachers, one for language arts, one for math and science. We were separated into two groups, the Turtles and the Roadrunners. Can you believe it? Oh, and I was a turtle. I felt indignant. Well, guess what, by the middle of third grade things still weren’t going very well. I was moved to a very structured classroom with an older teacher, Mrs. Rosenthal. BORING! No room to wiggle or explore at all.

Fortunately, I came up with a solution. My great aunt recognized my intense interest in nature’s creatures, sending me field guides so I could identify and learn the living habits belonging to many of nature’s inhabitants; insects, butterflies especially (Yeah, I was a butterfly chaser), amphibians and reptiles, birds. I still wasn’t reading well, but in the structured classroom with the desks lined up, I was able to open one of my prized books and hide it behind the kid in front of me while the teacher droned on. When she caught me and took away the book, I had a backup ready in my backpack for the moment she became more interested in the academic material and quit attending carefully to the students in front of her.

So I learned to read. Suddenly, like crazy, I was reading everything. I read 146 books and won the book reading contest. I taped numbers on the spines of my books, organized them on shelves, made 3 x 5 index cards with notes about them like in the library. I was first runner up in the spelling bee for grades 1-5, misspelling aardvark. I took the leading role in the school play, rewriting some of the lines to make them more poetic. I wasn’t a turtle anymore!

In fourth grade my parents moved from Detroit to El Paso. I learned to speak Spanish very quickly. My teacher had some kind of breakdown and was replaced. The last time I saw her was when she dragged my friend Michael out of the class by his hair, came back into the room, everybody was talking not listening and she yelled “Shit,” right before the principal came in and led her away. The new teacher let me read ahead and do research as soon as I quickly finished my boring worksheets, so I was very good for her. We had a deal. I began doing the UIL competitions and getting to talk more with kids who had interests and analytical minds like me, which was a relief. I had a hard time understanding why some of my age-peers had the interests and conversation topics that I could not find interesting or worthy.

As time went on, I had teachers that I did both well and poorly for in terms of behavior and attitude. The grades and academic work were never a problem again. For the teachers who seemed to like and understand me, who challenged me with more difficult and advanced projects, I was a helpful and grateful student. For other teachers, it seemed my divergent thinking style, my questing of the status quo, was seen as a threat and an aberration, something to be disciplined out of me and not allowed in the classroom. These teachers did not like me, I did not like them, we made each other uncomfortable the whole school year long.

I started high school at Klein High, recognized statewide for academic excellence. I had already taken advanced science and math classes customary for the HS freshman year in middle school. In the middle of my freshman year we moved to Boerne, a small mostly agricultural and ranching community. I was in classes with sophomores and juniors, some smart kids I could identify with. They all graduated and my senior year I took Home Economics Cooperative Education and Honors English IV, leaving about 11am to go work and make money to fuel my hot rod habit. I regarded my last two years of high school as a waste of time. I did learn how to make cars go fast and how to party and not get caught, I was tutored by the adults at the restaurant I worked in. I graduated third in my class.

I started college adrift with no sense of purpose. I had received no advice or guidance about declaring a major or choosing a vocation. It was a difficult and senseless period of time, I was in college because that was the next step but my goals were vague and unelaborated. My grades were mediocre. I switched schools to SWT because I had friends there and the girls were pretty when I visited. I was very lucky because I found two professors in the psychology department who took an interest in me, challenging me with advanced classes and the opportunity to work with them outside of classes on research design. Our projects were difficult, interesting, and socially relevant. My grades became A’s. I got my name on work that was published, got to present work at some large conferences, travelling with my professors. They encouraged me to go to graduate school and wrote outstanding letters of recommendation.

I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in English and Psychology. One of my English professors offered me a job and a stipend of 600.00 per month to pursue a Master’s degree in Creative Writing. I felt pressure to get out of the restaurant business and get a real job making real money, so I took the first professional job I was offered, personnel consulting for commissions pay when applicants are placed into high-tech jobs. I was a headhunter, and I hated it. Adrift again, I think the only thing that steered my back to a path of purpose, productivity, and engagement with life was my memories of those teachers who clearly saw me as good, valuable, someone who could make contributions at a level of surprise, creativity, and excellence. Thanks Mrs. Billie Hoffman, Dr. Archer, Dr. Ogletree. You didn’t know it at the time, but you made all the difference.

The reason I share this life story with you is to illustrate the importance of a positive attitude, a nurturing and encouraging relationship, and a willingness to accept differences and accommodate for the student who is different. I wanted to convey the impact both of the harm caused by mismatched inflexible social and academic environments and a rejecting teacher or parent attitude and of the soul-sustaining impact of a few parents or teachers who can look past the shortcomings and light a fire to the potential of a student by encouraging not dousing their aptitudes and interests.

Oftentimes gifted children excel intellectually with broad leaps in vocabulary, academics, and abstractions, but socially and emotionally remain at chronological age level development or even lag behind (called asynchronous development). These children can appear defiant, self-centered, manipulative, morally inept, they can be seen as making bad choices on purpose, lazy, and disrespectful of authority. What follows is a list of some of the types of problems that can arise.

Gifted Child Characteristics

Social/Emotional Issues:

-Hard to fit in and find friends

-Problems intensified by the same characteristics that make them gifted

-Asynchronous development

-Anxiety; intense concerns about death, sex, the future, adult level of prediction  and comprehension coupled with child level of emotional coping and wisdom

-Physical development may lag behind the minds ability to envision an outcome, resulting in extreme frustration made worse by perfectionism

Advanced Verbal Reasoning:

-Debate, argument, manipulative little lawyer

-Insecurity arises in children allowed to manipulate their parents

-Advanced sense of humor can result in rejection by peers due to their lack of appreciation

-Tendency to seek adults or older peers for discussion leaves them out of synch with age-peers

Perfectionism and Emotional Sensitivity

-Fear of failure and refusal to try

-May require full details before venturing a reply making them appear shy

-May stay at the periphery of a group trying to analyze all of the details for meaning before engaging and appear withdrawn

-Caught by the tension between how things are and how things could or should be

-Comments and criticism taken VERY personally

-May become preoccupied with issues of social injustice; war, starvation, bullying, if overloaded by this type of information can create “existential depression” or an apocalyptic worldview

Five Domains of overexciteability: they may have insatiable appetite for input in these domains as well as become overwhelmed by their heightened sensitivity and input

Psychomotor- rapid speech and abundant physical energy

Sensual- sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, captured by sensory experiences, attends to details unnoticed by others

Intellectual- love of ideas and learning, what  if and why? perfectionist

Imaginational- imaginary friends, rich fantasy life, creative

Emotional- intense feelings, heightened sensitivity to others’ feelings

Misdiagnosis

Medical and mental health professionals rarely receive training in identification and treatment of gifted individuals as ADHD, ODD, Bipolar, OCD, Anxious, or having Asperger Syndrome. Managed  care has created a push for a quick diagnoses and medication. Few exceptional children fit any diagnostic categories well and may sort of fit many diagnostic categories, creating confusion and dis-abling labels.

Sometimes it’s not the child but the environment that creates the problems. Some children and adults may be twice exceptional, having  both a learning disability or difference, as well as being gifted. These two conditions may mask one another resulting in inappropriate or lack of proper treatment.

Sign up for the newsletter by clicking here. You will also get the free Mindgarden mini-course which will help you teach kids how to manage thoughts, temper perfectionism, deal with teasing, and more.

Gifted Child characteristics that interfere with proper identification:

Boredom with and refusal of rote and routine tasks, like homework

Self-critical and frustration with mistakes

Difficulty shifting from one topic or activity to the next

Critical of others and authority figures

Inapproprate jokes

Emotionally over-reactive

Lack of interest in details, don’t turn in homework

Stubborn and non-conforming

Dominating or controlling of others

Defiant of authority

Excessive focus on topic of interest

Weak follow through when they have learned what they were after

Resentment of working with those of lesser ability

Weak ability to organize time and assignments

Signs of Perfectionism:

Worries over small mistakes

Difficulty making choices

Focuses on the one thing that’s wrong

Fiercely competitive

Carried away with details

Own worst critic

Never satisfied with own work

Makes excuses or blames others for mistakes

Overly upset when a skill or activity doesn’t come easily

Skips time to rest, play, or socialize because there is too much work

Puts off big projects

Trouble letting go and finishing big projects

These people believe; you are what you do, the world is watching, failure would be totally humiliating, perfect performance gives them a sense of control that they think will relieve their anxiety

Tempering Perfectionism

Attunement: don’t disagree, describe wishes or fears, offer affection until they are less upset, you can reflect but downgrade with semantics to help shift perspective; “I’m an idiot” = “You are frustrated with your mistake.”

Identify what went right and praise effort and persistence over outcome

Don’t correct their homework

Allow failures and disappointments

Teach smart self-talk and coping strategies but not when they are upset

Focus on reasonable effort rather than “Doing your best.”

Conclusion

The gifted child will feel different. They may see themselves as little adults, noticing adults who are not as smart as they are, believing if they are not treated as adults it is grossly unfair. They may appear bossy, rude, and demanding. They may be perfectionists in some areas and disorganized slobs in other areas. They may have trouble sleeping because they are so busy thinking. Try expressing understanding of their perspective, offer respect and choices, give reasons but don’t debate about rules and adult expectations. Group them with like minds, don’t downplay their feelings, help them create an emotional scale and learn how to manage their feelings. Gifted children often need special help like counseling just like children with disabilities can, gifted children also often have problems with ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and dysgraphia. The literature is full of famous people who made brilliant contributions but were deemed a failure in school. Obviously, the gifts and talents of these people such as Einstein and Edison were overlooked while they were ostracized and rejected for their differences. It is still possible to identify a child as having problems due to a mental or behavioral disorder and overlook that the problems are secondary to or occur with giftedness and the ability to excel under the right conditions. I have often considered that giftedness in public education can present a handicapping condition created by a mismatch in environmental demands and an individual’s unique profile of strengths and weaknesses.

Gifted Child Course

Resources/helpful websites:

www.Giftedkids.about.com

www.ri.net/gifted_talented/character.html

www.brainy-child.com

Sign up for the newsletter by clicking here. You will also get the free Mindgarden mini-course which will help you teach kids how to manage thoughts, temper perfectionism, deal with teasing, and more.

If you would rather have a course in dealing with oppositional-defiant behavior and managing behavior effectively, click here.

Daniels, S. & Piechowski, M. (2009). Living With Intensity. Tuscon, Arizona: Great Potential Press

Delisle, J. & Galbraith, J. (2002). When Gifted Kids Don’t Have all the Answers. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.

Elgin, S. (1996). The Gentle Art of Communicating with Kids. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Kennedy-Moore, E. & Lowenthal, M. (2011). Smart Parenting for Smart Kids. San Francisco: Josey-Bass.

Shenk, D. (2011) The Genius in all of Us. New York: Anchor books.

Walker, S. (2002).  The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.

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