This is a true story, and I wish it was the only one like it I knew. Want to know the worst part? I catch myself doing the same thing. I should know better, after teaching it and writing about it every day.

How do we get so programmed to focus our thoughts and energy on what we don’t like and don’t want? It’s the way we were trained, the premise of conventional wisdom when it comes to raising and training kids. And it’s backwards.

We don’t perform better when we feel ashamed, bad, or angry- the products of punishment and criticism. We do better when we feel good, encouraged, supported, most especially right after we fail.

The words we use with kids are like loading software onto their hard drives. It’s programming. So watch out for

Can’t sit still
Doesn’t follow directions
Won’t keep hands to self
Has to have his way
Won’t accept no for an answer

This is how we create more of what we don’t want.

I knew this in my head, but not in my behavior, apparently, when I had my first kid. We had one of those Ozarka water things, with the child protector over the hot water, but cold was fair game. Jack, my 18 month old, started this habit of heading for the Ozarka water machine.

“Oh-oh Jack, no thank-you please!” I’d say as love and logic taught me to do. He would look back, with that glint in his eye. You know the one. He would keep going, I’d say “Do you want to go to time-out?” His pace quickens. “Jack NO” and out goes the water as it hits the tray, splashes out some into his diaper, the rest on the tile floor where he is patting his feet up and down in it, big grin on his face.

Like I said, this was getting to be a habit. I sat down to think about it. “Let’s see, is he… exploring the extent of his new found power, now that he can walk? Testing my boundaries to see if I will be consistent and send him to time-0ut every time?” What would my words have been- “Why don’t you follow the rules, How come you don’t do what Daddy says?”

I thought about it a little more. If Jack gets out his Thomas Train or barn and animals on the rug and starts playing, what happens? Well, I say to myself, cool, I can return some calls, water the plants, start dinner. From his persepective, nothing. But if he heads for the Ozarka water thing, he gets me.

OHHHH, now I get it. He’s training me. He’s out to get me. That’s right, it’s true, children are often out to get you. Any way they can. And how do they get the most interesting and energizing responses from you? By breaking the rules or doing what they are supposed to?

I realized that when “nothing” was happening really everything was happening that I wanted. When Jack is on the floor with his train, I need to go by and say “Yes, Jack. Great way to play and keep yourself busy. You know how to roll the train back and forth on the tracks, not throwing it at the TV or Daddy’s head. You are so good. This is how we energize and maintain any child’s self-esteem, ADHD or not.

Later, when he’s in college, which words do I want him to have internalized, when the essay is do tomorrow and he’s having trouble; that he’s good and that he can, or that he doesn’t follow the rules and do what he is supposed to?

This idea is so important for behavior management, because it works, and even more importantly, it builds self-esteem, relationship, and love.

Strategies for ADHD and ODD.

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