Relationships, Feelings: Learning Your Power

Do you wish things could be different?

Stop giving someone or something else your power over how you think and feel.

Start taking responsibility for your own happiness.

This is written for adults to learn more about how to increase their power. Learn stories and strategies for handing down this invaluable wisdom to children. Create a legacy you can be proud of.

We have a culture that systematically strips our people of their power starting when they are children before they are even old enough to know what is happening (except I did, as do many other children with “ADHD” or “bad behavior” or ODD”) Let’s face it, I’m a troublemaker. If you don’t like problems you better not read this. If you think our world, our schools, our families, and our businesses are working just fine for us, this is not for you.

Our schools teach kids to be obedient, discourages independent study, requires all children to do the same amount of the same thing at the same time, with little variation for a population of people that is tremendously varied in interests and abilities. Don’t ask too many questions. Sit still in your seat all day except when we tell you when to get up and move, then you better get up and go right now, learn what we tell you to learn when we want you to learn it. Spend 13 years documenting that you have the skills we have to document we taught you, and never do one bit of work that has any social relevance or earns you anything but a letter or number mark.

That’s what makes me mad, and I’m out to undo it, one person at a time. Saving people from this machine. Helping people become more than a machine, become a free thinking, passionate, powerful, self and other loving individual.

Children are taught that they have no power, and this pulls the plug on their confidence that they have any authority. Many of the behavior problems, the disruptions, distractions, and destruction I see happen in schools are expressions in defiance, and they say “I do have power- hear me roar?” and “ Only I have power over me- and you can’t make me do anything.” Then they turn 18 and they are supposed to do a 180?

It does require some bravery to stand in and act on your own personal power. To declare your freedom to live the life you want- because obedience and fear of disobedience are so institutionalized in our culture- starting with school. If you don’t sit still do what the teacher says, finish all your work, make good grades, you will never amount to anything, you can’t have a good life, you won’t get your check or your food allowance…

So what is power, and what kind of power am I talking about here? Power is not the ability to use force or intimidation to make people do what you want. I’m talking about personal power, the power to act the way you want to act, and feel the way you want to feel. The kind of power I’m talking about is not about intimidating others or using aggression to get what you want.

Deep down, we all want to feel powerful. We all know the power we have inside of us to create reality. It is up to us to notice the signs of giving our power away so we can consciously “reclaim” it. As Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love) says:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

As human beings we have a natural desire to feel powerful, so when we don’t feel powerful in our own right, we will orchestrate our outer lives in a way that makes us feel powerful. For example, trying to control others’ behaviour, acquiring unnecessary possessions, and spreading drama and gossip.

However, this only results in a deeper feeling of disempowerment and disillusionment about what it takes to have the lives we desire. We seek to control the things we feel we can control, rather than tapping into our own innate power source.

Stop giving someone or some situation responsibility for your happiness- this is powerlessness, this is unhappiness, this is the source of your discontent. You will learn here that is you that creates your discontent. Only you can make you happy, only you can make you mad. Only you can create faith, only you make your fear.

If you are only interested in helping children who struggle with power over their feelings, in relationships, and to deal with teasing and bullying, scroll down to Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying.

Signs you are giving away your power

You give your power away when you let others upset you, when you get defensive, become submissive and act against your own health and well-being, when you act from guilt or become intimidated.  You give your power away when you care too much about what others think and not enough about what you yourself think.  You’re giving your power away when you do acts of needless and largely useless self-sacrifice, give-in to what others want you to do while postponing or negating your own real needs, and when you go along for acceptance or conformity’s sake and act against your own best interests.

Especially do you give your power away when you surrender what’s healthy for you to do, so that others are unnecessarily and more selfishly benefited.  You significantly give your power away when you let others influence you to lose control and get angry, let others guilt-trip you, shame you, embarrass you, intimidate you and, of course, control you.  In a more subtle way you give away your power whenever you have time to think things through and forget to think about how your acts concerning others are going to effect you, your health and your well-being, and effect those you care about.  In fact you may give your power away when your actions, your thoughts and your feelings do not contain at least some healthy self-love.

Power in relationship and marriage

Beliefs and stereotypes

Least committed has most power

Physical attractiveness

Intelligence

Sense of humor

Money

Availability of more attractive mates- relativity

Loyalty

Prestige

Degree of dependency on relationship

Sex role attitudes

Unspoken agreements

When you give in too much in a romantic relationship to avoid conflict or just to be nice, and especially if you allow your partner to criticize, put you down, and have tantrums towards you often, you may be teaching them to feel contempt towards you. Which creates more of the same stuff you were trying to avoid. This would be a sign to change the patterns and seek help!

Conflicts and power struggles are a normal part of any relationship. The question is, how do you strike a balance, and how do you settle conflicts without hurting one another and by working towards a win for both of you? You may think you are being the bigger and kinder person from walking away from a loud, angry, and sometimes mean partner, but if this becomes a pattern, beware. They may respect you less for it, and treat you worse. You may start feeling powerless, depressed, and anxious yourself. If you are going to walk, maybe you should keep on walking, and get yourself some help.

If you feel like you have no power in a relationship, then the current state of the relationship is not healthy for you. How can you be healthy if your partner has most of the power?

One time I was taking a graduate course in advanced marriage and family counseling techniques. The instructor said something that has always stuck with me. He said, “For me, in my marriage, if my wife wants to that’s enough for me.” I thought, what an ideal to hope for! I took that to mean that he supported his wife and cooperated with her even if he didn’t agree or see the sense or reason in her desire. Later in life I learned this can work, and work beautifully, but only if it’s a two-way street.

I’m lucky that my wife supports me in doing what I want. Sometimes I do things with her because she wants to, even if I don’t. Other times, I might not, and she accepts this graciously. No personal attacks, and she doesn’t take it personally or start guilting with comments like, “Don’t you love me, don’t you want to be with me, gosh you’re selfish.”

Just yesterday, I was driving home after a long and disappointing day. I was nearly home, and really looking forward to just being home and relaxing. My wife calls and I answer, but the call keeps dropping on my cell. She texts me, “Meet me at Adobe Verde for snacks and a drink with some of my friends.” I didn’t really feel like it, but I turned around and went anyway. Not because I feared some punishment or withdrawal of rewards from her, or feared her anger or disappointment, but because I love her. I knew this would make her happy, it wouldn’t last forever, and then I’d get to go home.

My motivation was love not fear. This is an important distinction to consider in the context of power in a relationship. Is it coercive, punitive, and fear based; what you do for your partner? Or do you give in out of love and compassion? Do you have to give up yourself and your dreams to fulfill your partners wishes and “keep them happy with you?” Did this mean she would owe me one? No. That’s another thing that makes our relationship successful, supportive, and nurturing for both of us. I think. There is no accounting. No accrual of debits and credits. Every day is a new day, and I’m happy to be with her.

Actually, I feel badly sometimes when I feel like I’m not doing my part, like if I’m sick or something. I punish myself by feeling guilty. This is my thing to work on, being more forgiving and loving to myself.

Signs of a power imbalance in a relationship- abusive use of power

What could be worse than being abused by the person you love, whom you expected to love you, or says that they love you?

Power through emotional blackmail- if you don’t do what I want, be ready for the punishing consequences of my emotional outburst, or withdrawal.

Power through withdrawal or helplessness, “I’m sick.”

If you feel contempt for your spouse and evaluate them based on what they do for you,

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Are you using your energy to make them feel good, or bad? Not sure? Ask.

Do you feel like you are better in some important aspects than your partner?

Does it seem like you have to get angry with them to get them to do what you think is right?

Does it seem like your partner can’t do anything right, or can’t make up their minds about anything?

Does your partner seem like they are avoiding you?

If you want things done right, do you always have to do it yourself?

If you are feeling like you can’t do enough for your partner, no matter how hard you try, it’s not enough, or not good enough

You feel better away from them than with them

Is my partner committed to supporting me in growing and exploring who I want to be?

Does my partner ask me my opinions or desires and then disagree and try to “win” by proving themselves right or their position superior? Example: Can we go out to eat tonight, and where would you like to go? You give an answer. They say No, I’d rather go eat at this place. You may find yourself asking, why did they ask me if they already knew what they wanted and only what they wanted would work for them? If this is a pattern, they may be setting you up for their manipulation and control. There may be no way for you to win in this situation, because if you state your desire, they will shoot it down and supplant their own, and if you agree, they will see you as weak and contemptable, and continue pushing you down and dominating. Bleck.

Does your partner ask you to do things, and then get angry with the way you did it, or go back and do it their way? Example: Can you get Sophie dressed for school? You get her dressed. Your partner sees what they are wearing, and removes the clothing and redresses them their way.

Do you dread your partners anger or emotional responses?

Does your partner make unreasonable requests and then get angry or refuse to talk to you if you don’t fulfill them?

If you have children or especially a special needs child, who makes the decisions and does most of the work? Does one person do most of the managing and work and another just step in, get angry, criticize, or abuse when they don’t like what’s happening?

Does one person drink excessively?

Do both partners maintain a healthy regimen of self-care, and does each support and cover for the other so healthy breaks and self-maintenance rituals can be performed?

What kind of power and stereotypes are being modeled for your children? Are you setting a good example of self-care and advocacy for them?

Forms of thought that indicate you are giving away your power:

I didn’t get the job that I wanted

My relationship is falling apart

My health is in shambles

I can’t seem to make enough money

I’m lazy

I procrastinate

I can’t because

I’m not good at … school, organizing, concentrating

They never let me

I don’t know how to

I don’t have enough time

They (parent, spouse) don’t support me

waiting for someone to tell you what to do

you don’t set any goals

you resist change

you don’t focus- jumping from one thing to the next

Losing your power by resisting reality:

It would be smarter and more accurate to think it is right, it should be, if you know that it is, would it not? Like I could wake tomorrow and say nooooo the sky should not be blue, it should be red….

It should not be raining

This person should not say that

This person should not do this

I can’t

I have to

It’s not fair

This can’t be happening

You made me…

Chronic complaining ie learned helplessness what could you do instead of complaining? Take action or accept and let it go.

Resisting reality is how you perpetuate your distress, embracing and allowing is the path to peace and emotional freedom, the drain or fulfillment of your energy reserve.

You can be in heaven or hell, on earth, depending on how you allow or discipline yourself to think.

It’s in the bible:

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Mark 4:34, Matthew 7:2, Luke 6:38 With the measure you use, it will be measured back to you…

Phillipians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything…

Luke 17:21 You can not find the kingdom of heaven here or there, nor can your neighbor point it out, for the kingdom of heaven is within you…

The Peter Pan story illustrates our journey from the power of joy and imagination to the droll tedium of routine obedience. From think happy thoughts and you can fly, to growing up to become a slave.

Relationships, Feelings: Learning Your Power

Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying

I once worked with a guy named, well, let’s just say his name was Steve. Steve had some talents, Steve was generally polite, easy to get along with and agreeable. He would get these great ideas about how he was going to create something fantastic that would help him live independently, generating an income and moving out of his parents’ house. When I would ask him to create a schedule, commit to a plan of regular effort, he always balked. I like to be free to live in the moment, follow my passion, just do what I want when I feel like it, I’m not the kind of guy who makes a schedule and follows it, he would say.

What sort of progress do you suppose he made on his goals, towards making his dreams come true? You guessed it. Not much. He would end up playing video games all day, and forgetting what he meant to do on his own behalf. Sign up for classes and quit going. You see, by refusing to make a plan and hold himself to it, by keeping himself free from commitment, he gave away his power to achieve many of the things he was quite capable of.

While being tied to a plan can limit freedom, this can also limit your ability to follow any plan that helps you get anything you want. When Steve passed through the exciting phase of imagining the results of a plan followed, and then let himself be distracted by video games and avoiding daily work routines, he would inevitably have a crash into a depressive state, saying he was a worthless piece of shit. He would feel bored and frustrated with his life, and lacked a sense of direction. Fail to plan, plan to fail. If one day you don’t quite follow a schedule you created for yourself, don’t give up. Get up. Start over the next day. You don’t know how much you can accomplish or how quickly if you work just a little every day.

I was talking with Alex (not his real name), twelve years old, about how upset he was with his big brother picking on him.

“So Alex,” I say, “How do you like the idea of giving your brother all your power?”

“Huh?” Alex said.

“Well, if you get upset by what he says, aren’t you giving him the power to decide if you feel okay or not? Are you not letting his actions decide how you feel? You are giving away your power to him.”

“Uh- yeah, I guess so,” Alex said.

“And how do you like the idea of letting your brother have this power over you?”

“Uh-uh,” Alex said, shaking his head and scowling.

“Would you like to learn how to take back your power and keep it?”

“Yeah.”

So I told Alex we were going to play a game. (I call it the five minute money game) I asked Alex if a thousand dollars seemed like a lot of money to him. Yes, he said, wary curiosity in his eyes. You could buy some cool stuff you want with a thousand dollars? He nodded. Okay, what if I set a thousand dollars here on the table, and I said we were going to play a game for five minutes. If you win you take the money, and the way you win is by not getting upset for five minutes while I make fun of you and call you names. Could you win?

Now Alex is nodding and grinning. That’s right, I say, you could sit there and smile while I make fun of you, thinking about how dumb I am and about how easily you will take my money, right? Yeah, Alex says, grinning broadly now.

So that means if you decide nothing I can say will get you upset, then nothing I can say will upset you, right? Yep, Alex says, looking pretty sure of himself now. So that means the only way I can upset you is with your permission and cooperation. Nobody can get inside you and make you feel a certain way, elevate your heart rate, cause your muscles to tense, your heart to constrict, your breathing to become more rapid. Right? There is only one person who can do that, and do you know who that is?

There are many things in this world over which you have no control. The color of the sky, the weather, your boss, parent, child, or sibling. Well, you would like to be able to control your sibling, boss, employee, child, or parent, wouldn’t you? But you can’t, can you? In fact, right now you are sitting on the earth’s surface, and as it spins, you are going about 1,000 miles per hour. And somehow, there is just the perfect amount of gravity which keeps you from flinging out into outer space without crushing you. And as the earth rotates around the sun, we travel at 67,000 miles per hour.

Our solar system is traveling about 45,000 miles per hour within our galaxy, and our galaxy, the Milky Way, is traveling at an astonishing 1.3 millions miles per hour. And somehow we have this thin layer of atmosphere covering our planet that we can breathe. Yes, we can’t control many things, not the weather, not what other people do, or many things that happen around us. What you do have some control over is your thoughts and your feelings. This is where your power lies. True power is power over self. Any other is temporary or imagined. Now you understand your power, what is within, and what is outside of your power but may be susceptible to your influence.

When you give away your power to others or what happens to decide whether you have okay feelings or not, you are giving away the only real power you have. You are giving away your responsibility for your happiness, living in the illusion that someone or something else is responsible for your feelings, rather than taking responsibility for your own happiness.

Emotional Power

It seems to me that many people think that other people and situations make them feel the way they do. (rational vs irrational thoughts here) This is a fundamental error. This would mean that other people and situations are responsible for your feelings. They have all the power to decide whether you feel okay or not. You just gave away your power. The truth is, you are responsible for your own happiness, and all of your feelings. Nobody can get inside you and make you feel the way you do.

Garden of the Mind

Ten minute secret to eternal success:

Use this analogy to teach the concept of cognitive-behavioral therapy- how to change your feelings and behavior by changing thoughts, battle depression and anxiety, overcome obstacles, and create mental health for yourself. (Taken from Your Dream Book by Brad Mason, 2016)

Have you ever noticed how sometimes a garden has a fence around it? Why does it have a fence?  Well, it’s there to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in, right? This is what fences are for. Fences are boundaries, keeping the good in and the bad out. Boundaries are something you create and maintain for protection. Good boundaries are a little flexible or permeable. Your cell walls are flexible boundaries, they let the good stuff in and keep the toxins out. Your skin is a boundary- they keep you inside; not you outside, they keep infectious bacteria out and let food and air in. Same thing with a fence, it still let’s air and water in for the garden to grow, but not deer and rabbits who will damage the garden.

Now, this all makes sense when we talk about a garden. For some reason, human beings tend to get this backwards when it comes to their thoughts. We tend to forget about all the stuff that is good and working right about ourselves and our lives, and focus, repeating over and over, negative thoughts, things we don’t like, what didn’t go well, what might go wrong, thoughts that cause us distress. Who is making those thoughts? Would it be helpful to have a conversation with the maker of our thoughts? Ask them to make thoughts of gratitude, review what feels good to think about, what is right about us, reassurance that we will be okay in the future, let go regrets of the past?

If we are to care for our mind, care for ourselves, like a good gardener would lovingly tend their garden, we would cast out the negative thoughts, the unwanted thoughts, the bugs and parasites, like weeds being thrown outside the fence of a garden.

Continuing to repeat and believe your negative thoughts is like watering the weeds in your garden instead of pulling them out. They grow fast and pretty soon, they crowd out all the good stuff and you will notice how prickly and uncomfortable they are. They will crowd out all the fruits and vegetables you truly desire.

If you like watermelon, and you would like watermelon to grow in your garden so you can enjoy it, what would you need to first do? Plant watermelon seeds, right? Okay, so that’s easy in a garden, just stick the seeds in the ground, pay attention to them by watering them and pulling the weeds, and watch what happens. Watermelons appear like magic for you to harvest, and oh, how sweet!

The process of making what you want to be true in your experience of reality is much the same. How do you plant the seeds of what you want to grow in the garden of your mind and your life? You begin by deciding what you want. You get as clear as you can about what you want, and you create a clear vision of what it looks like, feels like, how will your experience be different when your dreams come true?

I suggest creating a dream book. See the document I created for you called “ Dream Book small file.” Get a nice journal, preferably leather bound so it’s durable and can last, and write a dream you have on each page. Not a dream from when you are sleeping, but a dream that is a waking wish you have for yourself and your world. Then get images from magazines, photographs, or google images that best matches how your dream looks to you. Print it and paste it or tape it below the text you wrote about your dream. It’s okay if you pick two or three images. Every night before you go to sleep, and in the morning when you wake up, take a few minutes to look at the images and read through your dreams. Practice feeling how it would feel, as if the dream were already true. Know that these things will happen, that they are already happening. This is how you plant the seeds of what you want to grow in the garden of your mind, and this will help you make your dreams come true. Not sure if you believe me? Try it for two weeks and see what happens. What do you have to lose? Your fears and unwanted thoughts?

I also suggest after a week or two that you go back and rewrite dreams in the present tense. Rather than “I want to feel secure most of the time,” “I am feeling secure most of the time,” instead of “I want to make a million dollars,” “I am making a million dollars.”

Sometimes I ask people if they have heard the phrase “train of thought.” If they are kids they may have seen the movie “Shark Boy and Lava Girl.” which has a train of thought, literally, in it. Once they understand what train of thought means, I ask them where they are on their thought train. Are they in the caboose, just along for the ride, a victim of whatever thought their brain comes up with? Or are they the conductor or engineer, up in the engine of the train, able to slow down, stop, speed up, or change tracks if they don’t like where they are going? Where would they like to be?

When we want abundant produce we prepare the soil, pull the weeds and throw them out, and plant the seeds of the good things we want to see, feel, smell, and taste.

Your mind is like this garden, too. Except sometimes we get confused and keep the good thoughts out and the bad in. Tend the garden of your mind carefully, pull the weeds of negative, fearful, and unhelpful thoughts, and throw them outside the fence. Plant the seeds of your dreams and hopes, thoughts that feel good, by taking a few moments daily to reflect on your dreams and imagine them coming true in as much detail as you can. If a drought comes give them more water. If a freeze comes don’t lie in a bed of weeds and despair, pull out those weeds and plant some new seeds. Keep it up and you can’t help but be successful living in the garden of your dreams.

Have faith the seeds will grow with your care and produce fruit and flowers.

This article is an excerpt from my latest book, My Power Book. You can find it on Kindle here, and in paperback on Amazon here.

For a more elaborated version about creating dreams and making them come true, see Your Dream Book.

_______________________________________________________________________

Here are some documents you can use to teach kids skills:

Bullies

My Tools for Feelings copy w menu

Rational vs Irrational Thoughts Practice

Thinking Errors

Thinking Errors Practice

Thought Record

(Taken from Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools, Brad Mason, 2015)

Want more resources?

One final word about power. Love. Love is the only real power. Fear is a construct of the mind and your thoughts. You can not beat fear because it is not real. Only love is real. Concentrate on love; love for yourself, for others, for what is. Love yourself without limits, and you will find love without limits.

Relationships, Feelings: Learning Your Power