Sibling Rivalry HELP Now
Don’t you hate it when your kids are agitating one another, screeching and crying out for your rescue? How will they learn to resolve their own conflicts if you jump in and do it for them? Get sibling rivalry help now.
Sibling Rivalry can have significant impact on the quality of life for a family. This video will delve into the issues, the teachable moments, and some solutions for the bane of many parents’ existence!
First consider the impact of intervening in quarrels as a parent. How will they learn to settle their own conflicts? These are not the bane of your existence, these are the teachable moments you can use to support your children in learning how to address issues of belonging, problem-solving, conflict resolution, property rights, boundaries, and emotional control.
Jealousy
Jealousy is born of having expectations and desires not met but granted to another. The more attentive and loving a parent, the more likely the child will expect attentive care and be upset when not getting it.
Happy babies expect immediate exclusive parental care.
Loving attentive parents feel upset or ambivalent, confused and ineffective in the face of sibling rivalry and jealousy, often regarding it as a defect, when it fact it is normal. Understanding this will help you bring order to chaos.
Perspective
I encourage you to think of conflicts between siblings and normal and an opportunity to teach skills rather than a problem you must control or eliminate.
Teachable moments and skills you can coach:
Emotional control
Respect for and maintenance of boundaries
Problem solving
Meeting needs for belonging
Taking responsibility for your boredom and entertainment
Learning to share
Genetically programmed to win?
In nature if there is a conflict with someone else or another animal they may be between you and your food, spouse, children, shelter, or the territory that feeds you. So it would be adaptive to strike first and strive to win at all costs, because your survival depends on it. You love your kids right? So if they want to fight, maybe you should let them. Most kids love their siblings and are not going to put one another in the hospital over whose turn it was. They need to learn skills for navigating conflicts and how to fight fairly and when you can win and when you may not. Your bigger one needs to learn not to use full force against a lesser opponent. Your littler one needs to learn to defer to a greater force. You don’t want the little one to tell his boss “That’s a stupid way to do it, and I’m not going to do it that way.” She’ll be fired. Sometimes, it’s good to recognize the greater power over you and accede. Swallow your pride and don’t argue with positional authority.
Why stay out of it?
Intervening Fails to teach skills
Teaches helplessness and dependence- the need for someone else to step in
Dilemna for more powerful child- As long as you are stepping into the quarrels, this is how it goes; if he let’s his little brother have the remote, so the little brother doesn’t screech and bring you running getting him in trouble, he loses, if he uses his greater force and rips the remote away; he loses, if you step in and make it a tie, divide the time, split it fairly, think about it, if you had a debate with the President and the judges declared a tie, wouldn’t you feel like a winner? I just tied against the PRESIDENT!
and from his persepective, he loses.
So now the bigger 0ne us going to be resentful of the little one and constantly pick away, because they get blamed for everything, it’s never fair, and they feel ganged up on, the loser against a greater foe, and now you and the smaller siblings are the enemy, the bully, the perpetrator. Who cares what Mom says and if you get in trouble in these circumstances?
Dealing with Feelings
Don’t try to manage or disallow their feelings
Do reflect and downshift “Your annoyed that you lost” instead of “Why do you get so angry?” or “You are furious!”
Teach emotional recognition and management strategies
-self-talk
-activities
-breaks
Teaching Emotional Control
Develop an emotional vocabulary- aggravated, frustrated, irritated, furious, etc.
Develop awareness- Describe what you see- “Your fists are clenched and your eyes are bugging out, on the inside you must be feeling… what?”
Creating a menu of coping strategies
Gradations- annoyed, angry, furious= Level 1, 2, 3
Matching the reaction to the size of the problem- Is this a big problem or a little problem?
Teaching self-talk- “I can handle it,” “It’s okay if I don’t get my way all the time.”
The pre-emptive strike
Model what you say- they are more likely to do as you do
Allow and reflect feelings- don’t teach them to fear feelings
Sibling Rivalry HELP Now Course
Property rights and sharing
How to stand up for yourself for a toddler who grabs
-give them something else to play with
-work on a table where they can’t reach
-compliment the child who is grabbed from before they have a chance to retaliate with physical force- Wow, Jack, look at you. Thank you for letting yourself be frustrated without hitting. You are such a kind, gentle big brother. I call this the “preemptive strike.”
Respecting and establishing boundaries
Set boundaries for yourself- the right to protect your ears and have your own time/privacy, don’t be available 24/7
Your own needs for control vs. their need to learn
Use your energy to make your sister feel good- positive power
Allow them their own space when they want to be separate and get away
Telling vs. tattling
Unnecessary and critical corrections- zoo or veterinarian, is your older one modeling you?
Help redirect the toddler who doesn’t understand yet
Consequences for Boundary Violations
Require a repair before they are allowed to continue playing
Look at your brother’s face. Are you using your energy to make him feel good? You will need to do something to make him feel good again.
Problem Solving
Power and control- teach the kids about kinds of power and appropriate vs inappropriate use of power. Using your power to take away from someone who has less is abusive and unethical.
Power of position and personal power
Manipulation and coercion – no one should have absolute power all the time, you can’t always control a person or situation, others have the right to make their own choices, teach respect and ways to deal with the frustration, give choices, teach emotional control and boundaries
Persuasive Power- motivational, other-interested, or self-interested and manipulative
Cooperative power is shared
Problem Solving Template
Clarify the prolem and clarify with Statement of empathy- I’ve noticed, you don’t like it, you want that toy, you feel _____________.
Invitation- can we talk about this?
Get all concerns on the table, yours, his, hers
Brainstorm solutions
Pick one that satisfies at least some of all concerns
Try it
Be ready that the first attempt may not work and may need to return to list of solutions.
Belonging and Connectedness
Basic human need
Listening with full attention
Find out what they need and tell/show them how to get it
OFFER APPRECIATION TO ALL OF THEM
DON’T BE SO BUSY THAT YOU CANT STOP AND FOCUS ON WHAT THEY WANT TO SHOW AND TELL YOU, WITH LIMITS- if you are busy or on a call or worn out, explain this and tell them when you will be fully available to them
Teach appropriate ways to ask for what you want.
Blending adult issues
Why can’t you keep up with your homework like your sister does?
-creates resentment, increases rivalry, lowers self-esteem, self- fulfilling prophecy
Role Casting
The responsible one- taking on more than they need, assuming responsibility for others over self- boundary issues
Bad one attention for misbehavior and trouble
Younger and less capable, or striving to excel against unsurmountable competitors
Help them explore and realize choices and to know they can change or decide to be how they want to be- freedom to experiment
When and how to step in
Normal quarrel- stay out, that’s a bummer but you need to talk to your sister about that. I’ve seen how well you guys can work it out without hurting.
Getting louder- hey you guys sound upset, I think one wants _________and the other wants___________. That can be difficult. I bet you will find a safe and fair way to work it out. You can’t always make someone do what you want.
It’s too loud or approaching unsafe. You both have to agree if you are playing that way. It’s getting too loud for me. Try another way or take it somewhere else.
That’s too much. I don’t want to see you hurting anymore. Send them to separate spaces and give choices of alternate activities.
Temperment
Remember also that children vary in dimensions such as the following and these will influece how they look and sound and behave in a conflict:
Activity level
Intensity
Approach-withdrawal
Adaptability
Sensitivity to sensory experience
Persistence
Regularity
Mood
Distractibility
Developmental Needs
To experience the world with pleasure
To learn to trust one’s own body and explore physically
To deal with feelings and gain admiration from adults
To be part of a group
Remember that what may look like inappropriate behavior such as a two year old grabbing and taking may me developmentally appropriate, the need to explore the environment and later learn cause and effect, empathy and boundaries/rules.
Faith
What we teach with punishment
What is discipline
You get what you give and what you pay attention to
Creating their self-image with your words, posture, attitude, thoughts
This message is for you!
I know you can do it. I believe in you even when you fail and struggle, complain, blame, and resist. My love for you is limitless, and the power of the love I have for you knows no bounds and is the same power that binds atoms together and powers the sun. Think of the power released when a hydrogen atom is split. You have access to this power at all times, it is there within you without limit, your only enemy darkness and fear, and you are connected to the source of all light and love against which no material or other energy can stand.
-Brad
Sibling Rivalry HELP now Resources
Crary, E. (1997). Help! The Kids Are At It Again. Seattle, WA: Parenting Press, Inc.<Two thumbs up, explores issues underlying sibling rivalry and how to use moments of conflict as opportunities to teach valuable people skills.>
Crist, J., & Verdick, E. (2010) Siblings- You’re Stuck with Each Other so Stick Together. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc. .<This book is both adult and kid-friendly and briefly focuses on a large variety of sibling issues and quick-fixes.>
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2012). Siblings Without Rivalry. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.<Leads the reader through the parent’s experience and reactions to sibling rivalry with numerous brief case studies and explores effective ways to lead children and for adults to manage their own reactions.>
Goldenthal, P. (2000). Beyond Sibling Rivalry. New York, New York: Henry Holt and Company, LLC. <Includes a nice list of additional resources, how to seek help, and how to teach values such as compassion and cooperation.>
Hart, S. (2001). Preventing Sibling Rivalry. New York, New York: The Free Press. <Explains sibling rivalry from a developmental perspective based on the idea of jealousy as the primary source of rivalry, extremely in-depth.>
Links for sibling rivalry help now:
http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html
I want to create healthy happy life
It can be hard to work with a mind that keeps going to the problems and worries. It's time to teach children their power over thoughts and feelings.
I would like teachable exercises for; replacing thoughts that are not helpful, reasonable, or true, creating joy and emotional resilience, Mindgarden metaphor illustrating power and choice in thoughts, Dream Book strategy for identifying clear goals and building motivation, a video explaining how NOT to let others or situations have the power to bring you down!