This article explores social and emotional stressors on teens and young adults followed by ways to support them and resources.

To summarize covid impact on teens and young adults from the CDC’s website:

https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/stress-coping/parental-resources/index.html

• Changes in their routines (e.g., having to physically distance from family, friends, worship community)
• Breaks in continuity of learning (e.g., virtual learning environments, technology access and connectivity issues)
• Breaks in continuity of health care (e.g., missed well-child and immunization visits, limited access to mental, speech, and occupational health services)
• Missed significant life events (e.g., grief of missing celebrations, vacation plans, and/or milestone life events)
• Lost security and safety (e.g., housing and food insecurity, increased exposure to violence and online harms, threat of physical illness and uncertainty for the future)

Digital Distractions

Digital distractions can be hard to overcome while at home or during virtual schooling. I saw many high school and college students in my practice who had been in advanced classes and historically kept up with work and made good grades. For many of them academic success was their primary source of self-esteem and identity. Some simply lost their motivation and focus. Failing to maintain attention in virtual formats, with unfinished work piling up, they fell into despair. Aside from losing a loved one this is one of the greatest covid impacts on teens and young adults.

For those students who are twice exceptional, meaning gifted and a condition such as ADHD, high-functioning autism, or dyslexia, meeting the organizational and focus demands of virtual schooling was something they were not ready for. They also may have lost special education supports and services that helped them succeed.

Add to that many of our youth today struggle with digital temptations such as social media, YouTube and video games. Putting them in a room all day where they can at any moment click on a mental side-trip to something much more rewarding than schoolwork creates a pretty unfair battle. It’s like an alcoholic trying to abstain while living in a bar. Their shame can drive them deeper into the hole of avoidance and distraction.

Virtual platforms also lead to increased exposure to online harms- see link here https://www.unicef.org/media/67396/file/COVID-19%20and%20Its%20Implications%20for%20Protecting%20Children%20Online.pdf

The apathy of putting your life on hold

Many of the people in this age group missed important life events such as prom, graduation, sports, study-abroad programs, and other social, work, and educational opportunities. They may have worked hard to secure a plan that was eliminated or put on hold by covid. Suddenly many of them found themselves sitting alone and waiting. They may need help regenerating their enthusiasm for what they thought they had been working for.

Transitioning away from family and friends when leaving home for work or college was difficult enough for many young adults. Increased isolation at transition time and worries about covid related issues can make this transition more difficult to adapt to successfully. In my counseling practice this has been the third greatest covid impacts on teens and young adults.

Some students faced closed college housing, disruptions to work-study and internship opportunities. One great way to help a youth who has lost their rudder for direction in life and wind for their sails is to help them construct goals and dreams they feel passionate and excited about. Short and long term goals. Check out the dream book strategy for details on how to successfully create clear visions and goals that generate new passions and motivation.

Zoom Fatigue

This is a real phenomenon that is gaining attention and documentation.

Some sample questions include:

• How exhausted do you feel after videoconferencing?
• How irritated do your eyes feel after videoconferencing?
• How much do you tend to avoid social situations after videoconferencing?
• How emotionally drained do you feel after videoconferencing?
• How often do you feel too tired to do other things after videoconferencing?

The article below from Stanford cites four factors that contribute and ideas to manage this problem.

1. Prolonged eye contact is intense and taxing. Minimize your screen instead of using full-screen.
2. Seeing yourself in real-time is tiring. Click the hide self button.
3. Reduction in user mobility. Movement helps us think better and provides nonverbal communication cues. Take breaks to move around.
4. Cognitive load is increased during video chat. Switch to audio only for breaks.

Grief

For some teens and young adults who have lost a loved one, this may be the first time they have experienced grief. It is important they be allowed to discuss their feelings with age-peers and other family members as they are ready and willing. Extended time isolated and not talking about it is unlikely to be healthy, even if they are irritable and try to insist on being “left alone.” I think this would be often the number one largest covid impact on teens and young adults.

Teenagers normally prefer to process a crisis with other people their own age, without an adult in the midst of their conversations. A caring adult can help create such opportunities by initiating get-togethers and inviting close friends. Teenagers often want this to happen but lack the planning and organizational skills to execute social plans effectively other than very last minute. Online virtual meets can be created when pandemic risks are unacceptable for some of the families.

While teens usually prefer to process some of their thoughts and feelings with age-peers, it is also a good idea for an adult to monitor what has been said and heard. Sometimes teens and young adults will extend some exaggerated and possibly unhelpful ideas to one another. A caring adult can check in with a teen or young adult after discussions with their friends to see what ideas they got and how they are feeling. Also teens and young adults may make an outcry about desires to harm themselves by cutting, suicide, substance abuse, or other risky ideas. Their friends may not know appropriate ways to respond to such ideas and may keep this information to themselves out of misplaced loyalty. Such thoughts should probably be addressed and monitored by a professional to ensure safety, such as a licensed counselor or psychologist.

https://www.dougy.org/resource-articles/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen

What to do about covid impact on teens and young adults:

Help young adults acknowledge the difficulty and disruption to their social and emotional well-being, work, finances, and educational opportunities.

Assist them in recognizing and addressing any changes to their emotional and behavioral health. Unhealthy changes in sleep habits, exercise, diet, worries, sadness, loss of energy and motivation, increased substance abuse, increased risk-taking behavior, and ability to concentrate and complete school and self-care routines.

Regular and frequent video chats to check in on how they are coping and catch unhealthy patterns early.

Monitor for signs of developing mental health problems. A depressed teen or young adult may be very irritable and resistant to talking about their feelings. Signs of growing distress include:

• Changes in sleep routine
• Changes in diet and frequency of eating
• Social avoidance
• Falling grades
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Difficulty concentrating and remembering
• Risk-taking behavior including substance abuse

Counseling- One thing Covid has brought us is better utilization of virtual healthcare and therapy. If you have internet access you should be able to find counseling help even if you live in a remote area.

Related articles for Covid impact on teens and young adults:

Covid impact on children aged 6-12

Covid impact on young children

I hope you found some useful ideas in this article Covid impact on teens and young adults.

Brad

The post Covid Impact on Teens and Young Adults appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

If it’s not perfect, it’s no good.

Part I of this article covers what perfectionism can look like, signs that perfectionism might be a problem for you, and understanding the cost of your perfectionism.

It also details how perfectionism is experienced from the inside out. Hopefully this helps the person who may have been blind to the problems and costs to themselves. How it is experienced by others so the impact can be more clear to the person with these traits. Finally, a synopsis of factors that may lead to developing perfectionistic traits, studies documenting the increasing rise of perfectionism in modern cultures, and unhealthy consequences linked by research.

Part II will outline strategies for gifted autistic tempering perfectionism, regardless of being gifted, autistic, having something else, or none of these.

Part III contains ideas to try if nothing in Part II seems to work, consideration of variables interfering with problem identification and satisfactory solutions, sources of additional help, and links to articles and research on the topics of gifted, autistic, and tempering perfectionism.

Tempering Perfectionism- How Do I Know When it’s Going Too Far?

How can I tell if my perfectionism is holding me back? Place a check in front of the items below that may apply.

____If I can’t make an A or win, then I won’t try.

____If I did try something once, and it didn’t go well, that’s it, I will never go there again.

____If I had a friend and they betrayed me in any way, if I thought they were wrong or unfair, then that friend is out.

____If I’m unsure if I will be 100% today, then I won’t leave the house.

____Maybe not even my bed.

____The thought of others having critical judgements about me is intolerable, so I will avoid any situation where I imagine that could happen.

____ I get very upset if someone challenges me or says I was wrong.

____I might be depressed.

____I think that others’ love and approval for me is based on my perfect performance.

____I feel ashamed, angry, or guilty if I make mistakes. I may have been caught thinking or saying “I’m no good” after small errors or getting into trouble.

____I don’t know how to laugh at myself when I screw up.

____I have trouble recovering from mistakes, failures, disappointments.

____One small problem can throw off my whole day.

____I hate the thought that things may not turn out as I expected or do not happen on the schedule I anticipated.

____I have difficulty making simple choices.

____I hoard things. What if I need them someday?

____It’s very difficult to organize. Where is the best place to put them? Do I really feel like doing this now?

____I procrastinate.

____It is hard to relax. I hate feeling that I’m not getting something done.

____I drink or use other substances to relax and get my brain to shut up.

____I can’t stand being around people who are messy, silly, or think they are right when I know they are not.

____I don’t like compliments or don’t accept/receive them as expected.

____I’ve never really been good enough.

____My school, sibling, children, boss, job, political system, religion is never good enough. I get frustrated.

____I feel like a failure.

____I struggle to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I feel like I should stay strong and in control of my emotions.

____I either obsess about rules, lists, or work, or I completely ignore them. I may even appear to completely not care about anything.

____It is hard to stop thinking about the mistakes I have made, or feeling the regret.

____I am not satisfied with my life.

____I feel like a failure as a parent every time my kid misbehaves.

____I struggle with getting things done on time. There is always more that could be done or added.

____All-or-nothing thinking.

____I don’t trust others to do things right, so I try to do everything myself.

____I use the word “should” often.

____I avoid starting things until I’m sure I can do really great.

____After conversations are over, I ruminate about what I could or should have said.

____If I don’t do well, or others don’t react to me well, my self-confidence goes in the toilet.

____There is someone or something that is not right with me, I can’t stop thinking about it, and feeling aggravated.

____I can be very critical but can’t stand to be criticized.

____I’m a workaholic. I may feel uncomfortable with free time or down time.

____I take pleasure in other people’s failure.

____If don’t get that kid to start following directions now, then he will never learn and he will end up in jail or worse.

____I get anxious about new things, places, people, or not getting to follow my usual routine.

____My grades are either 100’s or zeros.

____If I could ever learn to do things right, then I would have a better life, but I can’t.

____If my car, project, or other item has a minor flaw or makes any funny noise I don’t like or can’t explain, that’s what I focus on.

____I can’t stand to waste things like time, leftover food, unused paper.

____I won’t perform in front of others. I feel really nervous. Even if I’m told I’m a great speaker, piano player, singer of songs, I prefer to play or perform by myself.

____I don’t like my body.

____I find myself in arguments often.

Okay, that has probably gone on too long already. Got more? Email me.

How many checks do you see? What do you think that means? (This is not a standardized clinical instrument at all, would not warrant any diagnosis, only intended as an exercise for self-reflection or considering a child’s needs.)

What are the costs and risks, to me, of my perfectionism?

Mental health– research has linked traits of perfectionism to higher rates of feeling inadequate, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, chronic stress, suicide, addictions, deliberate self-harm, social anxiety disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, PTSD, agoraphobia, hoarding, vocational burnout, OCPD, and OCD.

Relationships– your traits of perfectionism may be as hard or harder for those around you to deal with than they are for yourself. You may feel socially disconnected, lacking close friends, strained family relationships. like nobody understands you. See below for details of how someone with these traits may be experienced by others.

Lower productivity– procrastination, weak or distorted sense of self, inhibited passion, criticisms, mistakes, poor compassion for self or others, comparing self to others, and overthinking can create a cognitive load and feelings that may wear you out or overwhelm. You also may get less cooperation if others see you as being harshly critical, overly demanding, lacking compassion. If you can’t delegate because you fear others may not do it right, or your version of right, then you place all the work on yourself. Setting clear long-term goals can be difficult or even impossible for the mind on perfection, what if it turns out not to be the best goal, the right goal, or I never get there? Lacking clear reasonable goals can make it hard to organize your behavior and put forth effort. Keeping yourself motivated out of fear to keep bad things from happening can be more taxing than motivation and beliefs about joy and success.

Less creativity– quick rejections of ideas that might not be good enough, frustration or unwillingness at experimenting with wild ideas that may not work, critical judgement of efforts not immediately producing the desired perfect result can really get in your way. Did you know that Monet destroyed many of his works in frustration? Historically it is recorded he even destroyed about 15 elaborate works of his art right before and exhibition.

Poor physical health– The stress of struggling for perfection can lead to headaches, ulcers, fatigue, insomnia, high blood pressure, heart disease, shorter life expectancy.

Addiction– Distracting from or disrupting life events generally considered as normal or healthy such as diet, sleep, exercise, school, work, engaging in relationships, social groups. Can include alcohol, other substances, video games, digital media self-immersion and isolation. A perfectionist could be especially good at feeling bad for doing these things, may feel helpless to stop, and may need some extra help and possible professional guidance and support to make a change in behavior.

How the person with traits of perfectionism sees themselves vs how seen by others

Perfectionism is not a behavior, it is how the person sees themselves. In the context of relationship, the person who has these traits thinks they are just trying to make sure things are done right. They are motivated by fear, and see themselves as protecting by keeping others from ending in some kind of catastrophe or crisis. They think if they can just make sure everything is done right, then everyone will be okay. So they are really just looking out for others, taking care of them. They can become very unsettled or angry if anything isn’t done by their criteria, because flaws and slip-ups equal future disaster and failure.

From the other side, however, consider the potential perspectives of those on the receiving end. They may feel uncomfortable being around someone who seems uptight all the time and has trouble relaxing. Do you think they appreciate being policed and reminded, or do they feel judged and criticized? Do you like being told what to do and how to do it? Someone who always worries what other people will think? Being around someone who seems fragile and has minor meltdowns when things don’t go as scheduled or expected? Quibbled with over the details of right and wrong, and who is right or wrong? Not so much. They may get worn down, burnt out, withdraw, distance themselves. They likely feel unsupported and under-appreciated. Why can’t you just relax, allow, enjoy, have fun without being the boss and controlling everything? Sometimes I like to remind people that in the context of relationship, being right is wrong. Or I may ask, what are you going to get for being right? This question usually gets a puzzled look. So if you prove your point, you somehow get or make the other person agree with you, change their minds, think like you, then what- a prize? The reward is irritation no matter the outcome.

Literature about perfectionism separates three common flavors — “self-oriented,” demands perfection from themselves; “other-oriented,” demands perfection from others, and “socially prescribed” perfectionism, where the person imagines they are being watched closely and judged harshly if they come up less than perfect in any way. The last one, according to the literature, can be the most harmful and tough to beat.

But couldn’t my perfectionism be an advantage? The short answer, according to the research, is no. It can be a useful strength to pursue excellence, or progress, but not perfection. Think of it like this. I was on the swim team when I was in middle school. My Dad often said to me, “Do your best.” Now, what if you say that to someone with a bit of an imagination, and some all-or-nothing tendencies (how do you think I have such intimacy and passion with this topic?). Here is how it went in my mind. “Hmmm, I try really hard, I push, show up for all practices even thought I hate jumping into the cold water in the morning, but how do I know if I tried my best? I mean, if I really gave it EVERYTHING I had, then wouldn’t I be dead at the end? Telling myself I could have done better, every single time, and feeling bad no matter how hard I worked?” For someone who thinks like me, encouraging to make a reasonable effort seems more balanced. You want to save some of yourself for the next go. Celebrate progress, like yourself, try to have a little fun, and be happy with second place. Otherwise, it may be very difficult to ever feel good enough. Sorry Dad. Love you. Nothing personal. You were a good enough parent. I’m okay.

What is the cost of self-blending a less than perfect outcome as a failure with your self; toxic shame, guilt, or maybe projecting blame and anger towards others for “causing” your distress by not behaving according to your code. Projection of blame, a way of defending against awareness of one’s own flaws, can lead to obsession with imperfections and wrongs of a specific other, such as a sibling, or class of people, such as immigrants, or a politician or political platform.

What about people who are dyslexic, gifted, or autistic, and have trouble tempering perfectionism?

How would neurologically based differences, like ADHD, Autism, or the asynchronous development of giftedness interact with perfectionism?

In a word, yikes. Now you have a person who by nature is more prone to errors, especially in a social context. I can tell you from many hours and instances with such children and adults in my practice office, this is a formula for a perfect- no pun intended- storm. This can lead to a person who can’t stand themselves, can’t stand other people, can’t stand school, or can’t stand work. That’s a problem.

How would perfectionism be especially problematic for a gifted child? Here you are, bright and verbal. Your vocabulary and cognition is more developed than the kids around you. You keep trying to talk to them, ask questions, explain things, but they don’t understand or respond in expected ways. You don’t realize they can’t think like you do, or understand your words. Remember your perfectionism requires effective performance and outcomes at all times, and extreme distress when the cookie crumbles. Would you be mad, sad, lonely? Would you feel weird, like a misfit, or lash out and blame others?

The younger gifted child may have motor delays, so while their brain can envision an elaborate tower, their fingers can’t balance the blocks together, or draw the picture to match the gifted vision. Asynchronous development is common in giftedness, this means that some aspects of development have matured beyond age expectations, like vocabulary, academics, or abstract reasoning, while others, like fine motor skills, social skills, or emotional development may fall below age-expectations. But the adults may see the academic brilliance, and assume social, behavioral, and emotional skills have reached the same potential. So when the child does not behave as expected, the assumption may be they are willfully making bad choices, that there is a moral or disciplinary issue, and respond in a harsh, punitive, critical manner. Then they get mad all over when the child responds to them or classmates in a similar manner. Yucky cycle.

The gifted child may also have awareness that some of their school work is pointless for them. They may intellectually be able to grasp how things should be, to develop adult kinds of worries, but lack the emotional maturity to cope and lack the adult voice and authority to do something about imperfection and worry concerns. You might see them getting corrected and disciplined for correcting adults, and argued with for arguing. Some of these kids, like with autism, see themselves on the same level as adults, they do not perceive the hierarchy in adult-child relationships. Some may in instances actually be smarter than their parent or teacher. Imagine their experience. How unfair!

Let’s say you have ADHD, so you find yourself out of synch with others, missing instructions, not doing an assignment right. Your impulsivity leads to blurts that you immediately regret so you walk in shame the rest of the day.

Or you have autism, so you have delays in the development of; social understanding, perspective-taking, language-based communication, flexible thinking patterns, and emotional recognition and management skills. It probably seems like everywhere you go, everyone is telling you what to do, how to do it, correcting you, constant nagging and criticism. Remember children on the spectrum tend to imitate adult social interactions rather than age-peers. Add the perfectionism; perfect formula for failure to a degree that could be traumatic.

Now what if we have two or more of these conditions, say a gifted autistic child with ADHD, dyslexia or dysgraphia, and trouble tempering perfectionism? This could be a person who really deserves special help and consideration, as do we all.

What are the factors researchers are indicating that lead do perfectionism problems?

• Increased social media use and comparing self to others
• Becoming a pleaser and pursuing all A’s in early childhood
• Parent and teacher praise focused on outcome rather than effort- it’s better to praise effort, tenacity, resilience than making an A.
• Increases in number of students going to college
• Social anxiety
• Increasing competition in academics, business, and financial markets
• Painful or traumatic childhood experiences

Is perfectionism increasing, how common is it?

One of the most quoted studies in the literature about perfectionism is a meta analysis by authors Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill looking at about 46,000 college students in the US, Canada, and UK. They found that between 1989 and 2016, self-oriented perfectionism scores increased by 10 percent, other-oriented perfectionism increased by 16 percent, and socially-prescribed perfectionism increased by a whopping 33 percent. Link to the study.

Other studies indicate that about 2 of every five kids or teens in the US currently struggle with perfectionism.

Part 2- Gifted, Autistic, Strategies for Tempering Perfectionism

Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism Strategies

Teach “How to fail successfully”

I like to preface this by explaining that the most successful people are the ones who fail the most often and the fastest. They understand how to “fail up.” Successful people cultivate a special attitude towards failure. They realize that failure is part of the process of success, a stepping stone on the path. Each failure gets them one more step towards success. Each failure informs them about one more way their idea doesn’t work. Success with a new idea usually means a process of trial and error, attempts resulting in strategy eliminations until a successful effort occurs. Think about Edison and the light bulb. Did you know that he engaged in over 10,000 failures before developing a commercially viable light bulb? You know what he said? “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

What is a successful failure?

• you learn something, like what does not work
• you realize you eliminated one way that didn’t work and brought yourself one step closer to finding what will work
• you try harder
• you adapt and try another way, even if you have to resort to googling answers or, god forbid, asking for help
• you decide this path was not for you, say thanks for letting me know, let it go and move on to focus on something else
• you hate yourself forever for the mistake and never try anything again- nah! just kidding of course. If this is really where you go it might be time to tell someone else and consider yourself important enough to warrant some extra help.

When I was training people to do market calls, we looked at the ratio of calls to succeeding in getting an order. It came out to one order for every 30 calls. A perfectionist would dread the no’s, the failures. I encouraged the marketing staff to hurry up and pick up the phone without thinking, hurry up and get those 29 no’s so you can get them out of the way and get to the yes. I’ve even applied this reasoning to teens worrying over finding romance, a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Teach and practice forgiveness. Forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others. Forgive and let go. A local Native American Indian shaman once taught me that the people who inhabited the place I live for around 12,000 years before white people showed up had a word for forgiveness. It meant to untie oneself, and was regarded as a gift you give to yourself.

Mindfulness- a process of learning to step back from yourself and become aware of what is going on with you. “I’m getting upset. My heart is beating faster. I need to do something to calm down.” “I’m being overly critical of myself. I need to encourage me by thinking about my strengths, telling myself it will be okay.” Begin by identifying your signs that a stress or emotional response is starting. Watch for those, and take a pause to reflect on yourself before taking action.

Gratitude- Make a list to keep focused on the good stuff. Make it a habit to review your list once or twice a day at a regular time. At breakfast. Night right before bed. Use a dry erase and write it in the mirror you look in while you brush your teeth. I’m grateful for my family, my friends, a roof over my head that doesn’t leak, food in the pantry, comfortable bed to sleep in every night, water, air, etc.

Self-compassion- learn to be good to you. This means in your self-talk. Be a good friend to yourself. This does not mean self-indulgence.

Teach the power of thought, and where feelings come from. It’s not what happens that makes your feelings, it’s the thoughts you make about what happens. Your thoughts are so powerful, they create your experience of reality. If you think you can’t, you are probably right. If you think you can, you are probably right. If you think it’s horrible, you feel horrible about it. Nobody can make you feel anything. They can’t get inside you, make you think certain thoughts, elevate your blood pressure, make your heart beat faster or your muscles tense. Only you can do that.

Your brain is making thoughts all the time, right? Would you agree that some of them are true, and some are not? So then the smart thing to do, would be to start noticing the thoughts that are not true or wanted, replace with thoughts that are more true or desirable, right? Then you would be using your smart brain in smarter ways, making you smarter, and helping you feel the way you want to more often. Would you be okay with learning to be smarter and feel happy more often? Try this document for teaching and reinforcing this skill?

It is actually a page from my book, Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools. It has thoughts that should really hit the mark with this population, such as “If other people don’t follow the rules, it is my job to correct them.” “Mistakes are horrible.” “Mistakes are normal and help me learn.” “Everyone should like me.” Participants are instructed to state whether each statement is true or false, or indicate by thumbs up or thumbs down, if you have a reluctant participant on your hands.

Also from my book, a metaphor for teaching the power of and over thoughts, Garden of the Mind, and a video/free course, in these two articles about working these issues with children or teens:

Teaching Emotional Control and the Power of Thought

Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying

For Adults, Relationships, Feelings, Learning Your Power

Grant freedom- it is a free country, right? This is a choice I like to point out when someone is stuck on another person’s behavior, repeating the thoughts about that person which maintain an unwanted emotional state, or stuck on trying to make someone act differently, or insistent another change a belief or opinion to align with the person who is stuck. Free yourself by granting others the freedom to think and act as they please, let them be wrong, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. You can maintain a relationship with them, if you choose, and disagree in an appropriate way. You do this through active listening. You simply restate what the other person said, and then if you like, you can state your opinion or belief without trying to make the other agree with you. “Oh, you think Hillary Clinton would be a better president than Trump? Ok. I see it differently, I think Trump would be better.” Sometimes a person with autistic traits might get really stuck, this is called perseveration, which can begin a cycle of repetition that escalates creating increasing anxiety and possibly a meltdown, aggressive, or self-injurious behavior. Here is an article about that, Perseveration Station.

Keep a journal. Now that awareness of how perfectionism impacts you has been created, watch for it. Make notes of what you notice and the successful efforts you make to keep yourself in a good place, like what you say to yourself, how you redirect or distract your thoughts, actions you take, repairs you make in relationships.

More Gifted Autistic Tempering Perfectionism Strategies:

What about the exhausting banter in my head all the time, which way is best, what should I do, how can I figure out what will work before I end up wasting time by trying something that doesn’t work? Try to remind yourself that most errors are not fatal. It’s okay if you don’t pick the very fastest route from point A to point B every time. You can absorb the loss of a few minutes, or the time it takes to try out something that may not work. Nobody is clairvoyant. At least probably not, and you are not required to be. Talk it out with someone you trust. Sometimes just hearing yourself say it out loud gives relief, thinking out loud can help you make decisions, and the other person may have helpful ideas for you. Write it down and read back over it. Stop thinking about it for awhile, and trust your brain to make a good enough decision in time, and know that we sometimes get good ideas even when we were not aware of thinking about a problem at all. Try thinking in terms of plan A and plan B. First I will try… and if that doesn’t work then I will… as a way to get your brain off the idea that you have to make the right choice the first time. Learn to use the Problem Solving Template:

Expand your awareness of irrational beliefs. Make an “I should” list based on this exercise from My Power Book. Write down all of the things you think you should do in the various roles you play. As a student I should…, as a brother I should…, as a parent I should.., and so on. This will help with recognizing when someone has a humanly unreasonable list of “shoulds” they feel they must fulfill, and maybe realize their expectations are unreasonable and need to be adjusted.

Build your confidence by creating and reviewing your list of accomplishments.

Success Story– the problem with the problem, the problem with not generating a clear desired outcome goal.

Escape the trap of thinking you have to do everything yourself and never need help. Do successful people seek help? Do they have advisors, mentors, allies, coaches, counselors, shamans, mystics?

Practice making mistakes on purpose. For a kid who has meltdowns over small errors, get them when they are calm and have them misspell a word over and over with an appropriate response like a wry smile and “whoops.”

Calm yourself using the affirmations for fears, or pick one to memorize as a mantra to drown out unwanted worrisome thoughts.

Consider what can you do unblend, your tendency to equate your performance and how others think of you with who you are and your self-worth.

Working with a teen struggling to choose a career or college degree plan? Remind them there is no way really to know if a job or field of study is right for them until they try it. Call on personal experiences of trial and error with jobs you might have had that you didn’t like as much as you thought you would, and how those led to finding the best place for you. Google stories of famous people detailing the list of failed attempts they endured on the path to success.

For kids from age 4-10 who have rigid thinking patterns, maybe they are gifted and/or autistic, maybe not, check out the Superflex curriculum by Michelle Garcia-Winner at socialthinking.com

Worst case scenario- filled with dread of doom? Evaluate if your degree of concern is warranted by answering what, in the worst case scenario, is the worst thing that could happen?

Use the Dream Book strategy to help make choices of long-term goals and generate some passion, clarity, and motivation.

and if that is still not working…

Consider adding some good helpers to your team. Maybe a counselor, coach, doctor, psychiatrist, or psychologist.

Some of the more clinical categories may also be coming into play, making gifted, autistic, or otherwise tempering perfectionism difficult. Some of the clinical categories may have pre-dated the perfectionism, or, perhaps more likely, perfectionism started first, got worse, unhealthy habits began, which have worn away mental health to the point of meeting criteria for a diagnosis. Some of the categories that may blend or overlap with traits of perfectionism include obsessive-compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder, depression, or personality disorder such as Narcissistic, Borderline, or Obsessive-compulsive Personality Disorder. These can be tough to endure alone, if you think there could be a mental health condition why not go ahead and get an objective professional opinion and help right now.

If I’m talking to a fellow sufferer of perfectionist problems, you might not want to read what comes next. Maybe this hasn’t happened to you yet in which case I bet it will. You start researching a diagnostic category. You have unanswered questions about yourself or someone else. Maybe it’s gifted, but then you read about aspergers, or high-functioning or mild autism, and then you start thinking, wait a minute- which is which? Do I have a sandwhich? Is it someone between or having traits of both? Do they have both? Are both wrong since these categories don’t capture the whole person. Maybe it’s some elaborate conspiracy. Like the Emperor’s Clothes. By some mutual agreement, everybody acts as if there is something there when there isn’t. Invisible clothes. Well, I’ve been down this rabbit hole a few times before.

My message here, especially to you the perfectionist, is don’t expect any perfect answers about human behavior and ways to predict and manage it. Just buckle up and try to anticipate the surprises with awe, surprise, and wonder.

My opinion is you treat categories, labels, and diagnostic categories- wait- I got that backwards. I believe you will do better treating people than treating the categories, labels, and diagnoses. Treat both with temperance, and that latter three, use them as a category to refine a search for good answers you can use to solve real problems or make things better. If a diagnosis or educational classification for special services can help evaluate what is going on and what can be done, as well as create openings that helps access therapeutic interventions. Having said that, people and our systems for categorizing and diagnosing people are imperfect. Take what you hear with a grain of salt, a visit to a healthcare professional can still be helpful even if you disagree with some of what they have to say or diagnose. If you take a complex individual, I think especially a kid, to several healthcare professionals, and I’m counting myself as one, you may get as many different diagnoses. Imperfect systems, categories, evaluation tools, people. That doesn’t dictate a tragedy, it can be part of one, but doesn’t have to. It’s good to get more opinions sometimes if what you have to consider is really important. Then you decide, what is true, or maybe more importantly, what you will do, which you can do, even when you don’t know what is true, except what you have decided to do.

I hope you found this article, Gifted, Autistic, Tempering Perfectionism helpful. If you have more ideas to contribute, feel free to email me at bradmasonlpc@aol.com

More articles on this site you might like:

Archive of the Struggle of the Gifted Child articles, resources by topic

Autism/Aspergers links, course, and resources

Mild Autism What to do

Counseling Techniques for Autism and ADHD

Teletherapy- book an appointment with Brad Mason, LPC, LPA, LSSP in Texas

Links to some of the good articles and research I read to make this post:

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/teen-angst/201807/perfectly-imperfect

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201909/7-signs-you-may-be-oblivious-your-perfectionism

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201806/how-overcome-your-perfectionist-tendencies

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201801/is-the-perfectionism-plague-taking-psychological-toll

https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069

https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2017/06/25/9-signs-youre-a-perfectionist-and-thats-not-a-good-thing/#36c9669d5ca3

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-seven-costs-of-perfec_b_462338

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindful-living/2010/07/cutting-the-costs-of-perfectionism/

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Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying

Link to video explaining how to keep your power to feel okay when teased, bullied, frustrated, disappointed

I once worked with a guy named, well, let’s just say his name was Steve. Steve had some talents, Steve was generally polite, easy to get along with and agreeable. He would get these great ideas about how he was going to create something fantastic that would help him live independently, generating an income and moving out of his parents’ house. When I would ask him to create a schedule, commit to a plan of regular effort, he always balked. I like to be free to live in the moment, follow my passion, just do what I want when I feel like it, I’m not the kind of guy who makes a schedule and follows it, he would say.

What sort of progress do you suppose he made on his goals, towards making his dreams come true? You guessed it. Not much. He would end up playing video games all day, and forgetting what he meant to do on his own behalf. Sign up for classes and quit going. You see, by refusing to make a plan and hold himself to it, by keeping himself free from commitment, he gave away his power to achieve many of the things he was quite capable of.

While being tied to a plan can limit freedom, this can also limit your ability to follow any plan that helps you get anything you want. When Steve passed through the exciting phase of imagining the results of a plan followed, and then let himself be distracted by video games and avoiding daily work routines, he would inevitably have a crash into a depressive state, saying he was a worthless piece of shit. He would feel bored and frustrated with his life, and lacked a sense of direction. Fail to plan, plan to fail. If one day you don’t quite follow a schedule you created for yourself, don’t give up. Get up. Start over the next day. You don’t know how much you can accomplish or how quickly if you work just a little every day.

I was talking with Alex (not his real name), twelve years old, about how upset he was with his big brother picking on him.

“So Alex,” I say, “How do you like the idea of giving your brother all your power?”

“Huh?” Alex said.

“Well, if you get upset by what he says, aren’t you giving him the power to decide if you feel okay or not? Are you not letting his actions decide how you feel? You are giving away your power to him.”

“Uh- yeah, I guess so,” Alex said.

“And how do you like the idea of letting your brother have this power over you?”

“Uh-uh,” Alex said, shaking his head and scowling.

“Would you like to learn how to take back your power and keep it?”

“Yeah.”

So I told Alex we were going to play a game. (I call it the five minute money game) I asked Alex if a thousand dollars seemed like a lot of money to him. Yes, he said, wary curiosity in his eyes. You could buy some cool stuff you want with a thousand dollars? He nodded. Okay, what if I set a thousand dollars here on the table, and I said we were going to play a game for five minutes. If you win you take the money, and the way you win is by not getting upset for five minutes while I make fun of you and call you names. Could you win?

Now Alex is nodding and grinning. That’s right, I say, you could sit there and smile while I make fun of you, thinking about how dumb I am and about how easily you will take my money, right? Yeah, Alex says, grinning broadly now.

So that means if you decide nothing I can say will get you upset, then nothing I can say will upset you, right? Yep, Alex says, looking pretty sure of himself now. So that means the only way I can upset you is with your permission and cooperation. Nobody can get inside you and make you feel a certain way, elevate your heart rate, cause your muscles to tense, your heart to constrict, your breathing to become more rapid. Right? There is only one person who can do that, and do you know who that is?

There are many things in this world over which you have no control. The color of the sky, the weather, your boss, parent, child, or sibling. Well, you would like to be able to control your sibling, boss, employee, child, or parent, wouldn’t you? But you can’t, can you? In fact, right now you are sitting on the earth’s surface, and as it spins, you are going about 1,000 miles per hour. And somehow, there is just the perfect amount of gravity which keeps you from flinging out into outer space without crushing you. And as the earth rotates around the sun, we travel at 67,000 miles per hour.

Our solar system is traveling about 45,000 miles per hour within our galaxy, and our galaxy, the Milky Way, is traveling at an astonishing 1.3 millions miles per hour. And somehow we have this thin layer of atmosphere covering our planet that we can breathe. Yes, we can’t control many things, not the weather, not what other people do, or many things that happen around us. What you do have some control over is your thoughts and your feelings. This is where your power lies. True power is power over self. Any other is temporary or imagined. Now you understand your power, what is within, and what is outside of your power but may be susceptible to your influence.

When you give away your power to others or what happens to decide whether you have okay feelings or not, you are giving away the only real power you have. You are giving away your responsibility for your happiness, living in the illusion that someone or something else is responsible for your feelings, rather than taking responsibility for your own happiness.

More Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying

Emotional Power

It seems to me that many people think that other people and situations make them feel the way they do. (rational vs irrational thoughts here) This is a fundamental error. This would mean that other people and situations are responsible for your feelings. They have all the power to decide whether you feel okay or not. You just gave away your power. The truth is, you are responsible for your own happiness, and all of your feelings. Nobody can get inside you and make you feel the way you do.

Garden of the Mind

Ten minute secret to eternal success:

Use this analogy to teach the concept of cognitive-behavioral therapy- how to change your feelings and behavior by changing thoughts, battle depression and anxiety, overcome obstacles, and create mental health for yourself. (Taken from Your Dream Book by Brad Mason, 2016)

Have you ever noticed how sometimes a garden has a fence around it? Why does it have a fence?  Well, it’s there to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in, right? This is what fences are for. Fences are boundaries, keeping the good in and the bad out. Boundaries are something you create and maintain for protection. Good boundaries are a little flexible or permeable. Your cell walls are flexible boundaries, they let the good stuff in and keep the toxins out. Your skin is a boundary- they keep you inside; not you outside, they keep infectious bacteria out and let food and air in. Same thing with a fence, it still let’s air and water in for the garden to grow, but not deer and rabbits who will damage the garden.

Now, this all makes sense when we talk about a garden. For some reason, human beings tend to get this backwards when it comes to their thoughts. We tend to forget about all the stuff that is good and working right about ourselves and our lives, and focus, repeating over and over, negative thoughts, things we don’t like, what didn’t go well, what might go wrong, thoughts that cause us distress. Who is making those thoughts? Would it be helpful to have a conversation with the maker of our thoughts? Ask them to make thoughts of gratitude, review what feels good to think about, what is right about us, reassurance that we will be okay in the future, let go regrets of the past?

If we are to care for our mind, care for ourselves, like a good gardener would lovingly tend their garden, we would cast out the negative thoughts, the unwanted thoughts, the bugs and parasites, like weeds being thrown outside the fence of a garden.

Continuing to repeat and believe your negative thoughts is like watering the weeds in your garden instead of pulling them out. They grow fast and pretty soon, they crowd out all the good stuff and you will notice how prickly and uncomfortable they are. They will crowd out all the fruits and vegetables you truly desire.

If you like watermelon, and you would like watermelon to grow in your garden so you can enjoy it, what would you need to first do? Plant watermelon seeds, right? Okay, so that’s easy in a garden, just stick the seeds in the ground, pay attention to them by watering them and pulling the weeds, and watch what happens. Watermelons appear like magic for you to harvest, and oh, how sweet!

The process of making what you want to be true in your experience of reality is much the same. How do you plant the seeds of what you want to grow in the garden of your mind and your life? You begin by deciding what you want. You get as clear as you can about what you want, and you create a clear vision of what it looks like, feels like, how will your experience be different when your dreams come true?

I suggest creating a dream book. See the document I created for you called “YourDreamBook.” Get a nice book, preferably leather bound so it’s durable and can last, and write a dream you have on each page. Not a dream from when you are sleeping, but a dream that is a waking wish you have for yourself and your world. Then get images from magazines, photographs, or google images that best matches how your dream looks to you. Print it and paste it or tape it below the text you wrote about your dream. It’s okay if you pick two or three images. Every night before you go to sleep, and in the morning when you wake up, take a few minutes to look at the images and read through your dreams. Practice feeling how it would feel, as if the dream were already true. Know that these things will happen, that they are already happening. This is how you plant the seeds of what you want to grow in the garden of your mind, and this will help you make your dreams come true. Not sure if you believe me? Try it for two weeks and see what happens. What do you have to lose? Your fears and unwanted thoughts?

I also suggest after a week or two that you go back and rewrite dreams in the present tense. Rather than “I want to feel secure most of the time,” “I am feeling secure most of the time,” instead of “I want to make a million dollars,” “I am making a million dollars.”

Sometimes I ask people if they have heard the phrase “train of thought.” If they are kids they may have seen the movie “Shark Boy and Lava Girl.” which has a train of thought, literally, in it. Once they understand what train of thought means, I ask them where they are on their thought train. Are they in the caboose, just along for the ride, a victim of whatever thought their brain comes up with? Or are they the conductor or engineer, up in the engine of the train, able to slow down, stop, speed up, or change tracks if they don’t like where they are going? Where would they like to be?

Do these sound like good metaphors for teaching children about power in feelings, relationships, teasing, and bullying?

When we want abundant produce we prepare the soil, pull the weeds and throw them out, and plant the seeds of the good things we want to see, feel, smell, and taste.

Your mind is like this garden, too. Except sometimes we get confused and keep the good thoughts out and the bad in. Tend the garden of your mind carefully, pull the weeds of negative, fearful, and unhelpful thoughts, and throw them outside the fence. Plant the seeds of your dreams and hopes, thoughts that feel good, by taking a few moments daily to reflect on your dreams and imagine them coming true in as much detail as you can. If a drought comes give them more water. If a freeze comes don’t lie in a bed of weeds and despair, pull out those weeds and plant some new seeds. Keep it up and you can’t help but be successful living in the garden of your dreams.

Have faith the seeds will grow with your care and produce fruit and flowers.

This article “Metaphors for Teaching Children about Power in Feelings, Relationships, Teasing, and Bullying” is an excerpt from my latest book, My Power Book.

_______________________________________________________________________

Here are some documents you can use to teach kids skills:

Bullies

My Tools for Feelings copy w menu

Rational vs Irrational Thoughts Practice

Thinking Errors

Thinking Errors Practice

Thought Record

(Taken from Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools, Brad Mason, 2015)

Want more resources? Find more free resources and sign up for the free mini-course including video and forms to help teach kids how to take back their power and cope with everyday forms of unfairness: click here.

One final word about power. Love. Love is the only real power. Fear is a construct of the mind and your thoughts. You can not beat fear because it is not real. Only love is real. Concentrate on love; love for yourself, for others, for what is. Love yourself without limits, and you will find love without limits.

Relationships, Feelings: Learning Your Power

Read more here:

Relationships, Feelings: Learning Your Power

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The nuances of appearance and behavior, and the rejection of an individual who looks or sounds different, make up what we call culture, and establish how we identify someone as a member of our group, or tribe, and one who is not a member, or an outcast. Being an outcast and not having a group to identify with for protection is threatening. For one, outcast or non-member status invites the possibility of attack from groups or tribes that strike out at non-members as a way to defend territory and resources.
And human beings are fragile. We are born vulnerable, unable to survive alone, dependent on the goodwill and care of others for our survival. Even as adults most of us would have difficulty surviving in the wilderness alone. We live in groups with rules called civilization for this reason. We specialize- we find our way to contribute to others, services that are needed or wanted, that we can provide to other group members in exchange for goods and services we may want or need for ourselves.

Most of us don’t know how to make the shoes we wear, the roof over our head, the food for our table, how to make medicine or provide defense against attackers or birth babies. We each do our thing so we can get someone else to do the things we don’t have the skills or training for. This is how we live. Nearly everything we get or enjoy is derived from relationship; our status with others is important and helps give value to what we can do for others in exchange for what we need.
Unfortunately I have seen kids who were bullied mercilessly at school by the same kids year after year. Add to that the way some kids on the spectrum can hold a grudge, focusing on one negative and ignoring all other positives in their life, and the way they can have a friend who does them wrong one time and suddenly they are the enemy and there is no flexibility for forgiveness,.

Bullying is a natural way to establish dominance and gain favor with peers. When the dominant member of a group, or a member trying to curry favor with the rest of the group and elevate their own status, can put down, ridicule or ostracize someone else, they are actually augmenting their position in the social hierarchy. So some bullying is a fairly common behavior exhibited by popular kids.

What to do? For one thing, you can normalize it- a little teasing is normal, not something to freak out about, sometimes it’s just good natured ribbing, this is, after all, the way a lot of grown up men talk to each other all the time. There is a website where you can purchase useful materials, and get some free, to help with bullying. It’s at bullies2buddies.com and it focuses treatment on the victim rather than the perpetrator.

My sister-in-law, Jen Mason, who teaches self-defense at a university in Minneapolis, says they prefer the word “target” instead of “victim” because the implied powerlessness is removed, and they use the word “offender,” instead of “perpetrator.”

The creator of www.bullies2buddies.com, Izzy Kalman, says that programs that focus on the perp don’t work- think about it, the school punishes the bully, and guess what, the idea that you cause discomfort for someone less powerful than you is reinforced. They get out of in-school suspension and go right out and do it again. He teaches six rules to follow including refuse to let the other person make you upset, treat the words of everyone as if they are words from your best friend. Don’t fight back, if you are hurt then say it. He teaches that bullying is all about winning and losing, that if you stay calm and in control, you look like the winner and the bully ends of looking like a jerk.

A couple sentences don’t do his program justice, it’s a good program and is part of what I use in my clinic. Most of the kids on the spectrum who come to my clinic have had trouble with bullying, many are to the point that they are refusing to go back to their school, often their reactions to bullying are getting them into trouble.
You can help by teaching them to discriminate between less harmful teasing and when they are truly being hurt or exploited- laughed at or laughed with? Is this coming from someone who usually treats you well? You can check it out with them- “Are you seriously trying to put me down and hurt me or are you just joking around?”

Telling a teacher is not always the best answer. It can backfire when the accused bully gets in trouble and takes revenge and when other students disrespect the tattle tale. If you fight back, even if you get in trouble or get beat up, at least you may stop the problem and earn respect- from others and for yourself. Sometimes fighting back, while not the school’s solution, is a better solution socially.

If it was my kid, and they had been bullied by the same person, tattled to school staff, and the bullying kept happening, I’d tell them- I have five boys, one on the spectrum, and have told them this- next time they try to hurt you, either punch them hard right in the nose or kick them in the balls. You will get in trouble at school but not at home. My kids liked being given this option but none of them have used it yet- I think they just preferred to not show a big reaction or make a big deal out of it and the bully moved on to more reactive targets.

It can be really hard to ascertain remotely whether your kid is really being put down or they are being included in the normal jocular banter that occupy the hallways of public schools in Texas. It’s good to have something to say back if you are in front of peers and you want to preserve your pride.

Zingers and comebacks for verbal abuse and put-downs:
You would say that.
Wow, you really know how to hurt me.
Does trying to hurt me make you feel better about yourself?
If you put me down do your so-called friends like you better?
I’m sorry for you if your friends and parents talk to you that way.
Okay and by the way go ahead and offer whatever criticism you like, because I’ve already decided nothing you can say can hurt me.
I know you are, but what am I?
I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Remember one of the ways we can make ourselves less of an easy target is to walk with a confident gait and appear switched on and aware of our surroundings.

I know, some of these possible responses are risky and may be controversial. It’s a risky and controversial world we live in. I think you need to use your best judgement and discretion if you are coaching a child in ways to respond to bullying.
Often the neurotypical kids are better at being sneaky, provoke the kids on the spectrum, and the kid being bullied gets in trouble for retaliating. The whole crowded noisy public school scene doesn’t work out well anyway, for some kids with autism. You can also look for a small charter or private school.
There was once a man who liked to go to the park and throw out breadcrumbs. The longer he went, and the more breadcrumbs he threw out, the more pigeons flocked around him. The man did not like this, he was very upset by the pigeons flying all around him. The man was afraid, angry, and felt very wronged by the pigeons behavior, fluttering all about him, making their sounds, why, he said, won’t they just leave me alone?
Don’t they know I don’t like them all around me like this? Because the man did not like these pigeons and felt they were wrong to fly and strut all around him, he began going to the park even more often and throwing out more breadcrumbs in his defiance and outrage. This of course encouraged the pigeons, and made more of them come to him more often.
What advice would you give the man who liked to go to the park and throw out breadcrumbs? What behaviors do you think are like breadcrumbs to bullies, encouraging them to come around more often and do what you do not like more? What could you do instead?

Consider treating the victims rather than the bullies. To me there is something very strange about punishing bullies, and we know from research that this does not work. Why would it? Isn’t it modeling using your power against someone less powerful to make them behave the way you want? And so the bully, once punished, after doing his time in ISS or whatever, goes out and takes from others with lessor power he or she doesn’t approve of.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying we should blame the targets of bullying for the bad behavior. I am saying that if you look at research about bullying prevention, the programs that target the bullies don’t work. I am saying let’s empower children who have suffered with skills to stand up and solve the problem without violence or making things worse.

Early warning signs ie the precursors of bullying behavior:

-Irritability, impatience, moodiness from an early age.
-Tendency to perceive others as having hostile intent- such as seeing others as meanly making them lose with hostile intent rather than just trying to win as expected in the game.
-Quick retaliation for real or imagined threats.
-Trouble identifying feelings, acts out rather than communicating.
-Difficulty recognizing their pain and the pain of others.
-Abusive or neglectful home environment.

Bullying Help, Autism, ADHD, Gifted Strategies:

Developing class rules to deal with bullying:

Discuss what is bullying, get examples from the students.
Teach that if everyone sticks together, no one is left out and a bully can’t isolate or pick on anyone.
Teach the difference between tattling and telling. Telling is when something could be dangerous and someone could get hurt. Otherwise, write it or draw it and put it in the tattlebox. Letting the teacher know that someone is being verbally or physically abusive is not tattling.
Present and discuss these rules about bullying:
-We agree no student will be permitted to bully another student.
-We agree we will help any student being bullied by telling them to stop and/or getting help from an adult.
-We agree not to exclude any student from an activity in school or on the playground.
Post the rules in the classroom.
How do you teach a target to deal with bullying?

-First of all, don’t tell them they are the victim, use the word target. There is an important semantic difference here.

-Don’t make yourself a big target- how does your posture show weakness and invite a bully? Practice proper posture, confidence in tone of voice, pitch voice lower, gait and style of walking. If it’s a boy they shouldn’t be prancing with their hands held higher than their waist. Chest out, shoulders back, chin high, gaze direct, not confrontational glaring, not fearful looking away.Observe the student and interview peers for any other behaviors they may be engaging in that may make them a big target for bullying. Point out that sometimes we fake it until we make it. Play poker with some loose change so they understand how to bluff.

-Don’t show a big reaction- remember the pigeons and breadcrumbs story.

-Build self-esteem (for more information and techniques for self-esteem see my video and accompanying ebook).

-Remind them that nobody can make you feel anything without your permission and cooperation. Tell the student you want to play a game with them. Explain that you want them to imagine that you have put $500 or even $1,000 dollars on the corner of the table or desk. Say that they can win the money by not getting upset while you make fun of them and call them names. Ask them if they could win. If they don’t smile right away, say, “Sure, you could, you’d sit there smiling thinking about all the money you are getting from this fool who is making it easy for you. See? As long as you decide that there is no way you are going to make you feel upset, I can’t make you.” I’ve done this scores of times and nearly all the kids get it, unless they are really concrete or entrenched and trained in victim mentality. “Refuse to give them the power to make you mad.

-Do not defend yourself from verbal taunts, accusations, name-calling. It takes two to create a conflict, if you defend yourself an enemy is automatically created.

More Bullying Help for Autism, ADHD, Gifted

-Hit them back? Well, that’s a controversial answer, you’d better not say that if you work for the school, especially if you haven’t consulted with the parents yet. Personally, I trained my kids to hit back if they are being hurt and can’t get away. Punch them in the nose or kick them in the balls, if they have them. Telling is the teacher answer, but socially this can backfire through disrespect into more bullying, and many students have reported to me that they told the teacher and it didn’t help. At least if you fight back, even if you get beat up the bully and your peers will respect you after and the bullying may stop, so socially, and for the targets’ own self-respect, trying to get at least one really good lick in on the bully may be the better answer if the target is getting physically hurt and abused. I do definitely think you should alert the parents to the problem, and inquire how they plan to advise their child.

-Get a big friend.

-Help the student to get a group to hang out with to reduce isolation and create more safety. Maybe introduce them to a group you think they could fit in with; ask the group to take the person in. Maybe it’s a group of kids who are sometimes labeled as misfits, emo, nerds, jocks, hicks, rockers, whatever.

-Teach about victim mentality.

-Give up your idea of rights and fairness. Are there laws that make people treat each other well and make the world fair? Are their laws against teasing? Are there laws that say you have the right to a life of fairness? How about in nature- if you are a little fuzzy creature running around in the woods, do you have the right not to be eaten by a bigger fuzzy creature? No, it’s just whatever happens happens. You have to make your own way, and if you expect life to be fair, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Learn to say to yourself, “I wish life was fair all the time, and I’m glad that usually it is and most of the time I am treated nicely, I can handle a few problems now and then.” Point out that to believe “I must be treated fairly and the way I want to be treated by everyone all the time or else I am going to have a huge meltdown” is ridiculous.

-Watch out for the “shoulds.” This is a way to trick yourself into being upset about things that you can’t change. You can control yourself and your reactions, not others. If someone always greets you by calling you a fool, and you think they should not do this, you will be upset. You may as well wake up tomorrow and yell “NOOOO! the sky is blue and I think it should be red!” It would be more accurate to say to yourself, or even the other person, “Oh, that’s exactly what you should say to me, because that’s usually what you say.” However the world is, that’s exactly the way it should be. Practice acceptance.

-Don’t keep it a secret- get help, don’t be embarrassed to confer with friends or an adult. This is why people live together in groups. We are here to help each other. Many times have I met with a family who tells me the bullying went on a long time before the kid spoke out about it, especially kids on the autism spectrum.

-Throw them off-balance by stepping towards them, making eye-contact, and saying something really nice the them, or just say “Thanks for the feedback,” or “I’ll think about that,” “You would say that,” “I welcome the opportunity to demonstrate I can control myself.” Smile and keep walking.

-The student can also say, “Feel free to give me any criticism you want, because I’ve already decided nothing you can say can hurt or upset me.” Remember, don’t get upset, or don’t show it. This makes you look like you are in control and makes the bully look more and more like a jerk if they continue.

-Ask the student to list, check, or circle the strategies they are most comfortable with trying. Explain that nothing works all the time, and if they try one strategy several times, it simply means it is time to try something else. This is how we solve problems, through effort, action, change, and experimentation.

-When I was an elementary school counselor, I had a simple strategy that worked. I told the complaining target that he was going to have to confront the offending party in person in my office with me present to keep them safe. I taught and had them practice the “When you _________, I feel __________, and I want you to _____________.” Sometimes if they seemed nervous I had them write out the script for themselves. Typically they don’t really want to do this. I explained that I would then tell the other student that if I heard about the problem again, we would be having this meeting again in my office. Since this generally feels weird and awkward for them, they stop. I also got the target to practice standing up for themselves, teaching them a valuable skill and empowering them to deal with problems themselves and feel strong enough to handle it.

See how many wonderful teaching opportunities the gift of unfairness and criticism by others offers?

-Check out www.bullies2buddies.com for more strategies.
or go here for the free resources and the free video course from my website to use in teaching CBT for managing fears: https://intensivecareforyou.com/

School or class-wide techniques for bully prevention:

-Teach what conflict is. Conflict can simply be a disagreement and is a normal part of relationships. Demonstrate how a conflict can be resolved without fireworks, such as yelling or fighting. “Let’s play Chutes and Ladders!” “No, I really want to play checkers.” “Okay, let’s play checkers, then if we have time, can we play my game?””Sure.” For more advanced students teach the difference between the conflict styles of aggressive, passive-aggressive, submissive (victim), and assertive.

-Train students in conflict resolution. For a simple list see the document “Solve Your Own Problem.” Emphasize the importance of a cooperative nature in groups, finding solutions that provide mutual benefits and de-emphasizing the need to win or be right. Provide a step-by-step concrete process for solving a problem.

-Train peer mediators, there are many structured programs available out there for this. Have the student work in pairs and rotate the roles so they all get a chance to practice. Make this a first through twelfth grade procedure. Create bullying help for Autism, ADHD, and Gifted kids.

I hope this helps you help those you love! For more tools visit my video course website, I also published a book Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools with 150 pages of strategies that are quick and easy to understand and put to work for you. You will also find Diagnosis Autism or Aspergers: Now What? and Counseling Tools for Kids in Schools here.
https://intensivecareforyou.com/e-books/

Autism and bullying

https://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/bullying

http://www.autismsafety.org/bullying.php

ADHD and bullying

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1595.html

Gifted and bullying

https://tip.duke.edu/node/1645

http://sengifted.org/archives/articles/teasing-and-gifted-children

I hope you enjoyed “Bullying Help, Autism, ADHD, Gifted.” Don’t wait to teach vulnerable children how to deal with this all-too-common problem.

The post Bullying Help, Autism, ADHD, Gifted appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

The Fall From Eden

In the beginning, there was limitless love.

Unconditional

No performance standards to meet

No criticism

No judgment

No morality or immorality

No wrong

All right

All good

A baby brings joy to others just by Being. There are no conditions or performance demands to meet. There is no punishment or judgment for throwing up, incontinence, etc.

Then, as the child matures, they receive criticism for failing to perform properly, for errors, suddenly they must do and do it right, errors and failures result in punishment and pain. The parent and others blame the child for their unwanted feelings. You made me mad, so you should feel bad, I will make you feel bad and I will hurt you. You disappointed me, you made me feel sad, so you must feel guilty and bad. You made me feel afraid, so I must get angry and control and rebuke you lest you cause my worst fears about you come true.

The forbidden fruit of knowledge has been ingested.

Innocence is lost.

Shame becomes status quo and the child quickly tries to cover themselves, ashamed of who they are, how they look, trying to hide their true and beautiful self. No longer is it okay to let yourself be as you truly are. Guises, shields, masks, and fake personas are adopted so that no one will see the vulnerable joyous person underneath.

Fear becomes the primary motivator of behavior- fear of being found out, of being uncovered, of judgment, and pain. Shame about body image and basic human needs now denied creates the prison-pen of punishment now internalized so that we hold ourselves in a state of fear and pain without the continued abuse and lies from outside.

The child, after being blamed, criticized, berated, held responsible for the unwanted feelings of parents, punished before the age of 5, internalizes unconsciously this false and evil system so well, that they now have learned to automatically punish themselves without even thinking about it.

So now you have learned to feel bad, horrible even, when you make a mistake, when you experience conflict with another, when anyone around you is less than happy, especially when you are criticized, rejected, or neglected.

You create so much pain and punishment for yourself that you are desperate to feel good. You will take drugs, abuse yourself with alcohol, take risks, steal, anything to escape the pain you now create for yourself.

You may vacillate between self-doubt and self-blame for these awful feelings, or you may lash out in anger at others because now you think other people are making you feel badly when they don’t give you what you want or they are upset. You may feel responsible for making everybody else feel okay and never ask them for what you want. Or you may dominate, control, and blame others, hurting them because you falsely accuse them of causing your pain. You have learned to limit your love for yourself and others. You were loveable only when you behaved properly, if not then love was withdrawn, now you only love yourself and others when you or they perform the way you think is proper and expected.

The Journey Back to Eden

Want love without limits?

Limitless love is love that is eternal. Eternity is not just a long time, it simply is. In the same way love is. You don’t have to perform or measure up to be worthy of love. You simply are. Love is available to you and from you, without limits, at all times. You can access this through practice and intention, by learning to have dominion over your attention.

How is eternity not just a long time but simply a quality that is? Think of it this way. You would not say 2+2=4 “for a long time.” There is no beginning or end to this value, 2+2 always was equal to four and always will be, it won’t at some point in the future cease to be or become something else. It just is.

In the same way, limitless love, love without limits, unconditional love, this is a love that simply is. A love that requires no specific behavioral set, has no conditions, is always available in infinite, or eternal, supply. How would your experience be different if you were to practice having limitless love for yourself, even when you fail, especially when you fail or are weak, and especially when someone else is not happy with you or having some sort of fit over something?

In the end effective discipline for an exceptional child is just so.

How would you interact and experience differently, more positively, more lovingly, with your children when you discipline them or they make errors, with your spouse, your lover, your friends,  should you maintain attention on limitless love even when you disagree with what they do, say, think, or feel? What sort of inner peace, support, insight, and inspiration might you welcome and receive were you to practice maintaining this kind of focus? I can tell you from experience that the results are nothing short of miraculous.

If you want to raise your consciousness, elevate your experience, experience God intimately and first-hand pouring into and through you, if you would like to change the way you react to friends, children, co-workers, or you partner, experiment with putting this into practice, this focus on love without limits. Practice clearing your mind of distractions in quiet moments alone first. Connect with and welcome in that which is divine and loving; it’s in you already, it’s in everything everywhere all around you, you can breathe it in as well as broadcast it out energetically. Learn how this feels in your body, then shift your attention, your feeling in your body, your energy, your vibration, in this way when you interact with others, again especially when someone important to you does something you disagree with, or disagrees with you, or when you disagree with yourself.

Stop putting yourself in a place of punishment. Stop punishing those around you to try and make them behave, think, speak, or feel the way you think they should. Feeling bad will not help you do better. Focusing on worry, regret, or anger, all forms of departing from the perfect present moment, will not make you or others perform better. Stop equating your self-worth to measures of performance. Stop judging others as good or bad based on what they may say, think, feel, or do.

Love yourself, most especially, and love your children, your mate, your friends, without limits. When you do this with your children they will find your posture and tone towards them less threatening, demeaning, accusatory, angry, and unhelpful. They will feel the support and faith you have for them without you having to speak a word, and in this way you will guide them to remembering and more becoming the wonderful beings they truly are as they were born into this world. Eliminate the need for defensiveness, denial, anger, and aggression.

This is effective discipline for an exceptional child.

If you would like to see how to put limitless love into practice when managing your child’s behavior in more specific and concrete terms, check out my video course “Behavior Management at It’s Best” at this link:

Module #4 – Behavior Management

3 One-Minute Secrets to Success

Garden of the Mind (Mind Garden)

Have you ever noticed how sometimes a garden has a fence around it? Why does it have

a fence?  Well, it’s there to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in, right?

This is what fences are for, this is what boundaries are for, keeping the good in

and the bad out. When we want abundant produce we prepare the soil, pull the weeds

and throw them out, and plant the seeds of the good things we want to see, feel,

smell, and taste.

Your mind is like this garden, too. Except sometimes we get confused and keep the

good thoughts out and the bad in. Tend the garden of your mind carefully, pull the

weeds of negative, fearful, and unhelpful thoughts, and throw them outside the

fence. Plant the seeds of your dreams and hopes, thoughts that feel good, by taking

a few moments daily to reflect on your dreams and imagine them coming true in as

much detail as you can. If a drought comes give them more water. If a freeze comes

don’t lie in a bed of weeds and despair, pull out those weeds and plant some new

seeds. Keep it up and you can’t help but be successful living in the garden of your

dreams.

Faith

Have faith the seeds will grow with your care and produce fruit and flowers.

Planting Seeds

How to plant seeds 101- Dream Book

How to make your dreams come true in ten minutes a day:

Get yourself a book you really like with blank pages in it. Start writing your

dreams, one per page. Draw symbols or images to go with each dream, or paste in a

photograph, or go to google images and pick and print an image sized for the dream

page it goes with. Review your dreams and study the images each morning when you

wake up and each night right before you go to sleep.

Get a list of cognitive distortions, practice worksheets, short videos, and more ideas and instructions for teaching the thought replacement practice and creating a dream book in the free Mindgarden mini-course by clicking here.

If you would like the free mini-course Behavior Management Tips and T00ls Giveaway, click here.

With love,

Brad

Brad@bradmasoncounselor.com

I hope you enjoyed “Effective discipline for an exceptional child.”

The post Effective discipline for an exceptional child appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

What if a child is gifted enough that nobody notices they are dyslexic, and dyslexic enough that nobody notices they are gifted? How often could this happen? The National Association for Gifted Children http://www.nagc.org/ reports that an estimated 360,000 students in America are twice exceptional gifted learners. Add in a guess at the number of adults fitting this category, and we are talking about a million people.

Twice exceptional, or 2e, is a term used to describe someone who is both gifted and has another condition such as dyslexia, Learning Disabled, ADHD, Bipolar, Autistic, OCD, anxiety disorder, and so-on.

I remember meeting a student in my practice who was in the second or third grade. He was stubbornly refusing to do his homework. He had very good, diligent parents, so they were quite concerned about his defiance. I learned he was very interested in Greek mythology, so I asked him to tell me about it. Oh, did he go on. He knew all about it, describing various figures and telling their stories in great detail with enthusiasm and spark in his eye. His level of detail and grasp of the dynamics at play between mythological characters was well beyond what would be expected for his age.

How does a child who allegedly does not like to read learn and remember so much, I wondered. I asked him to read from a book for me, and learned he often refused to read out loud in school. He agreed, and his reading was slow and labored, misreading many of the words. Evidently, he was smart enough to fill in the missing gaps to get the meaning, but it was slow going and a lot of work.

What if, I thought out loud to his parents, their boy was dyslexic, and nobody noticed because he was also so gifted that he managed to perform well enough on tests? His parents liked that idea much better than thinking he just had bad behavior and a lousy attitude. They approached the school, had him evaluated. Guess what? He was significantly dyslexic, qualified for assistance, as well as gifted, qualifying for the gifted and talented program. Life for this family got better.

This was not an isolated case in my practice. I have encountered similar situations again and again. Evaluation and correct identification of twice exceptional people are very difficult because all of these conditions have overlapping symptoms. Trouble paying attention, poor emotional control and emotional intensity, difficulty socializing, intense focus on a specific topic of interest, challenging authority, perfectionism, failing, in many ways, to “fit in.” Do they better fit, for example, gifted or ADHD, or are they better described as both gifted and ADHD?

I hope this helps you correctly identify someone who answers this question: What is twice exceptional?

We have a rising prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorder identification. Many of these people struggle in some areas, such as demonstrating expected social behavior and emotional reactions, and willingness to comply with adult requests. Often both children and adults on the Autism Spectrum have specific areas where they excel. They may be very gifted as engineers, or artists, voice acting, inventing, and more. They are at great risk for failing to have their talents and abilities properly identified, valued, and supported so that their gifted talents can be developed. Their behaviors may interfere with appropriate identification as gifted, their special programming only targeted at what they are not and may never be great at. That’s a problem begging to be solved, if you ask me.

If I had my way, IEP’s would target developing strengths.

Signs a student may be twice exceptional include:

Well developed vocabulary

Intense curiosity about subjects outside of school

Poor social skills

Sensitivity to criticism

Inconsistent academic performance

Interest in interacting with adults over peers

Problem solving ability for complex issues

Stubborn

Impulsive

Non-conforming

Intense interest in specific topic

Poor organization and study skills

Trouble with written expression

Quirky and subtle sense of humor

If you know someone like this, I hope you will advocate for them and refuse to give up. I see a lot of kids who are clearly gifted and fail to qualify for specialized programming because of behavioral issues or teacher ratings in “leadership skills” that are often part of the identification process. If their needs were better served, perhaps the behavior issues would abate.

Misdiagnosis
Medical and mental health professionals rarely receive training in identification and treatment of
gifted individuals as ADHD, ODD, Bipolar, OCD, Anxious, or having Asperger Syndrome.
Managed care has created a push for a quick diagnoses and medication. Few exceptional
children fit any diagnostic categories well and may sort of fit many diagnostic categories,
creating confusion and dis-abling labels.
Sometimes it’s not the child but the environment that creates the problems. Some children and
adults may be twice exceptional, having both a learning disability or difference, as well as being
gifted. These two conditions may mask one another resulting in inappropriate or lack of proper
treatment.

So what if your child could be described as gifted and emotionally intense, or gifted and easily bored, gifted and challenging, a little professor, a gifted and perfectionistic student, rather than bipolar or ADHD or high-functioning autistic? How would you like others to think about them, and how would you like them to think about themselves? Emphasize the strengths, or emphasize the weaknesses? In other words, if they could be described either way, and you didn’t need a diagnostic category for educational placement or medical treatment, could you have a choice? Is it which one is true, or which do you prefer, like in the movie Life of Pi?

The stories we tell about ourselves and one another are very powerful. They inform us in how we should think, behave, and believe. Make your story a good one, a story you love.

Many of the people who have come to see me in my practice are complex like this. Few can be adequately described, categorized, or served effectively using a single category. That’s why, when I created the intensivecareforyou.com video course series, I covered such a broad spectrum. I also sought to bring in perspectives and interventions from outside the scope of the disciplines I was trained and practiced in. I am also twice exceptional, or maybe three or four times, then again maybe not at all, depending on who you talk to!

As a side note, when I was making the video course The Struggle of the Gifted Child, I met my wife for the first time, a gifted DaVinci robotic surgeon. I wanted to interview a gifted woman about what it was like to be a gifted girl in public school, so our first meeting is all recorded! I married her not long after, and we remain happily married. Needless to say, I am sooo glad I decided to make that video!
Gifted characteristics that interfere with proper identification:

Boredom with and refusal of rote and routine tasks, like homework
Self-critical and frustration with mistakes
Difficulty shifting from one topic or activity to the next
Critical of others and authority figures
Inappropriate jokes
Emotionally over-reactive
Lack of interest in details, don’t turn in homework
Stubborn and non-conforming
Dominating or controlling of others
Defiant of authority
Excessive focus on topic of interest
Weak follow through when they have learned what they were after
Resentment of working with those of lesser ability
Weak ability to organize time and assignments
Signs of Perfectionism:
Worries over small mistakes
Difficulty making choices
Focuses on the one thing that’s wrong
Fiercely competitive
Carried away with details
Own worst critic
Never satisfied with own work
Makes excuses or blames others for mistakes
Overly upset when a skill or activity doesn’t come easily
Skips time to rest, play, or socialize because there is too much work
Puts off big projects
Trouble letting go and finishing big projects
These people believe; you are what you do, the world is watching, failure would be totally
humiliating, perfect performance gives them a sense of control that they think will relieve their
anxiety

Tempering Perfectionism
Attunement: don’t disagree, describe wishes or fears, offer affection until they are less upset, you
can reflect but downgrade with semantics to help shift perspective; “I’m an idiot” = “You are
frustrated with your mistake.”
Identify what went right and praise effort and persistence over outcome
Don’t correct their homework
Allow failures and disappointments
Teach smart self-talk and coping strategies but not when they are upset
Focus on reasonable effort rather than “Doing your best.”

Resources

Daniels, S. & Piechowski, M. (2009). Living With Intensity. Tuscon, Arizona: Great Potential Press <Great book about the nature and flavor of intensities in gifted people and ways to manage, one of my favorites>
Delisle, J. & Galbraith, J. (2002). When Gifted Kids Don’t Have all the Answers. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc. <I liked this text as a source of ways gifted children can struggle, a good overall guide>
Elgin, S. (1996). The Gentle Art of Communicating with Kids. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Kennedy-Moore, E. & Lowenthal, M. (2011). Smart Parenting for Smart Kids. San Francisco: Josey-Bass.<Great resource>
Roberts, J. & Boggess, J. (2011). Teacher’s Survival Guide Gifted Education. Waco, Tx: Prufrock Press, Inc. <Good introduction to the special needs of the gifted, differentiated and hands on guiding strategies>
Shenk, D. (2011). The Genius in all of Us. New York: Anchor books.<Makes a compelling argument that giftedness is nurtured and created rather than nature and innate, with research and strategies on how to do this with your child>
Walker, S. (2002). The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.<Good quick-study and there is also a separately available survival guide for the kids themselves that I think is quite good>
Web, J., et al, (2005). Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults. Scottsdale, Arizona: Great Potential Press, Inc. <Another favorite of mine, and will challenge conventional thinking about gifted people>
Webb, J., et al, (2007). A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Education. Scottsdale, Arizona: Great Potential Press, Inc.<A rich, in-depth and thorough resource>
Winebrenner, S. (2001). Teaching Gifted Kids in the Regular Classroom. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc.<Numerous strategies and learning contract forms to help engage the sometimes hard to reach gifted students>

Helpful link:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional

Gifted Child- Can they be hard to teach and parent?

Gifted Child Struggles

Gifted Child Video Course

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https://nurtureandthriveblog.com/picture-books-teach-kids-stop-think-handle-emotions-mindful/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201611/the-power-emotions-override-rational-thought

The post Teach emotional control and the power of thought appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

The post How do you get the anxious child to use coping strategies? appeared first on Intensive Care for You.

Silly question, right? How can you ever have enough to stop the madness when it comes to the ways adults often interact with children who have differences?

We can make it better. We can train adults in more loving and effective methods, and we can teach children emotional coping skills, social skills, and better ways to behave so they get more of what they really need.

And hey, it’s not rocket science. We can all get better at what we do, making the world a better place for children, so that each successive generation is healthier than the last, making the world better by making more healthy loving people.

I hope you will sign up to join me in learning and sharing by clicking here

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Your thoughts are so powerful they create your reality. Where do your feelings come from? What happens, or how you think about what happens? For example, it could start raining, and I could think, “Oh no- this is going to ruin everything, I’m supposed to go fishing!” I could be really mad about the rain, and stay mad about it all day. Or, I could think, “Awesome! I’m so glad it’s raining! I hope it rains all day, then my grass won’t need to be watered, and maybe the river will fill up so I can go canoeing!” I could be happy about the rain all day. So it’s the same event- the rain- and depending on how I think about it, I could be either happy or mad. There’s where your choice and power lie.

Many people have difficulty stepping outside of their thoughts to think about what they are thinking about or doing. This is a vital thinking skill called metacognition. How do you edit your thoughts, inhibit impulses, or recognize your behavior does not fit in the context if you don’t think about what you are thinking or doing? Some people think in pictures and don’t use self-talk at all, which makes it hard to question, correct, and guide yourself. Emotional control and behavior control aren’t there. This is why teaching self-talk is so important. Then you can make a thought, and think about it. Is this true, correct, accurate? You don’t have to believe all your thoughts. You are not your thoughts, you are the observer of your thoughts, because you can notice a thought that isn’t right or feels bad, and make a better thought.

Sometimes I explain daydreaming to people, and make sure they understand the concept, and then ask them, “Do you ever daydream?” and they say, “No.” When asked what they are or were thinking, they will say, “I don’t know,” or “Nothing.”

We use the term “train of thought” to describe our stream of consciousness. I like to ask, “Where are you on your thought train? Are you on the caboose, just along for the ride, a victim of your thoughts? Would you rather be on the caboose as a passenger, or up in the engine as the conductor or engineer, driving the train, slowing down by putting on the brakes or speeding up, switching tracks when you don’t like where you’re going?”

Your brain makes thoughts all the time. Many of these thoughts are just garbage. They can be wrong, repeated unnecessarily, they can be worry thoughts about the future or angry thoughts about past regrets. What would happen if you tried to drive by watching the rear-view mirror?

And if you are staying upset about past events, well, I like to tell this story. You’ve seen that image of Santa Claus with his big bag of toys over his shoulder, right? What if someone had a bag like that, and everywhere they went, when they found dog poop on the ground, they scooped it into the bag. Then they said, “Man, I hate this stuff. It’s heavy and it stinks.

What would you tell this person? And if you are worrying about something bad happening in the future, isn’t that like living as if the bad event were true now, and living with the fear all the way from now until the future moment when the bad thing may or may not happen? Why would you want to do that?

Make a list of all your worries and fears on one side of a page, and on the other, write down what those worries ever did for you. Nothing, right? You see, your body doesn’t know the difference between what you think, what you imagine, what you dream, and what’s real.

Have you ever had that dream where you are falling or someone is trying to get you, and you wake up, and your heart is beating really fast and you feel scared for a few minutes until you tell yourself, it’s alright, it was just a dream, I’m okay?

See, all of what happens in your mind is real for your body, and while you don’t have complete control over your thoughts, you can decide which ones to believe and you can make new, better things to think or think about. You can practice thought replacement, or thought stopping. You can say to your thoughts, inside your head, “That’s nonsense, I don’t believe you.”

Another strategy for feeling better is called “mindfulness.” This means to try and focus all your awareness on the present moment. What do you hear? Try to hear at least three different sounds. What do you feel? Try to notice at least three different sensations. What do you see? Here’s the thing. The past isn’t real, it’s gone, it’s not now.

The future isn’t real, either, it’s not here, we can’t know what it will be. The only thing that is real is right now, the present. This is all we really have, the only place we exist. We don’t exist in the past or the future. Right now, what do you have to be grateful for? Make a list of what you like about yourself.

Maybe you have a healthy body, all your arms and legs, everything may work the way it’s supposed to. Maybe you are a good artist, friendly, funny, creative, good at Math, and so on. Do you have people in your life who love and care for you, a home with a roof that doesn’t leak, air conditioning for the summer to keep you cool, a bed to sleep in, food to eat? This is called gratitude.

Make this a list you can look at as school starts, write it on your mirror with a dry erase marker, review it before you go to sleep. Stay focused on what is good and right. One more thing about the present. The present is eternal, it always is. You have always been in the present moment and always will be. And in this present moment, you have everything you need. If you don’t have it and you are still here, you must not really need it. You always have had and will have everything you need, as long as you are here, it can’t be any other way. Mind bending, right?

Make a dream book, use the form I created called “garden of the mind.” Start planting your mindgarden, growing what you want and pulling the weeds of negative thoughts.

Next I want you to start using the “Thought Record” every day to record the thoughts you have either right before or during a time you are upset or stressed. Bring your “Thought Record” sheets back to me so we can look at them and make sure you are learning how to notice and correct your thoughts. This way, you are learning to use your smart brain in even smarter ways. Because if your brain makes thoughts that are inaccurate, not true, or feel bad, and you can make new thoughts that are more accurate, you are becoming smarter and able to feel better more often. Would you be okay with being smarter and feeling better?

Read the above passage and then the items below, and see if you or the person you are working with can identify the category of thinking error from the Thinking Errors sheet (find this in the free resources page on my website www.intensivecareforyou.com). Then try generating a smarter or better feeling way to think- make a better thought.

1. Sam raises his hand in class, and the teacher calls on someone else. Sam thinks, “My teacher doesn’t care about me.”
2. Beth has trouble figuring out the answer to the first problem on her Math test. She thinks, “I can’t do anything right. I’m terrible at Math!”
3. Steve wakes up and doesn’t feel all that great. He thinks, “If I have to go to school today, I’ll die!”
4. Peter’s Mom is running late to pick him up from school. He thinks, “Oh my God, she must have had an accident and gotten killed!”
5. Mary realizes there is a small hole in her shirt sleeve. She thinks, “Oh no, everyone is going to think I’m a slob!”
6. Matt asks if he can join a group in a game at recess, and they tell him no. Matt thinks, “Nobody ever wants to play with me. The kids at this school are all mean.”
7. Leo sees someone cut into the lunch line up in front of him. He yells at the other student, goes up to him and pushes him when he doesn’t respond, and here comes the principal, who tells him to stop and go back to his place in line. Leo argues with the principal, refuses to go back in line, and ends up going to the office. He thinks, “That’s not fair. I always follow the rules, and that kid needs to learn his lesson. I’m going to get him back tomorrow.”
8. Leah’s counselor asks her to try asking some classmates if she can sit with them at lunch. Leah says, “I can’t.”
9. Tanya kicks a girl for telling her she’s stupid. Tanya tells her teacher, “It’s not my fault, she called me stupid!” When Tanya goes home she pushes her little brother and tells her parents she can’t help it, because the kids at school were mean to her and her teacher isn’t fair.
10. Bart says that the best player in the NBA ever was Michael Jordan. Kevin disagrees and says it’s Magic Johnson. Bart argues, and keeps insisting he’s right after the teacher tells him to be quiet.
11. Karen is at home and her parents are arguing. Karen thinks, “I must have done something really bad.”
12. Mike goes home and his mother tells him to take out the trash. Mike thinks, “I hate taking out the trash. My life sucks.”
13. Alex has been good in school all year and made almost all A’s. He tries out for the school play and doesn’t get the part. “That’s not fair. The kid who got picked isn’t even as good a student as me. I never get what I deserve.”
14. Barbara asks Kara over to play after school. Kara says, “I can’t, I have a lot of homework. Barbara thinks, “Kara’s just being mean and doesn’t like me.” Barbara tells Kara, “Fine, see if I ever ask you over again.”
15. Nelson is playing baseball and he strikes out. He throws the bat and marches off the field saying “I’m never playing this game again. I never get a hit.”
16. Mason works really hard on a writing assignment, and Mr. Nelson gives him a B. Mason crumples up the paper and throws it in the trash. He tells Mr. Nelson, “That’s not fair, I did everything right, you should have given me an A.

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/basics/definition/prc-20013594

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